I'm back with another helpful post, this time I'm going to give you some games you can do when you're experiencing a panic attack or low mood.
First is my favourite, it's to name as many items you would buy from a supermarket beginning with each letter of the alphabet.
So for example: A is for apples, B is for bananas, C is for crafts - it could be anything you can buy from a supermarket or mall.
Second, I'm going for the grounding technique. If you suffer from panic attacks or psychosis and you don't know this technique, write it down or save this blog post as a bookmark for future reference.
It's simple:
tell me:
5 things you can see
4 things you can touch
3 things you can hear
2 things you can smell
1 thing you can taste
And repeat until you're calming down.
Third and last, I'd like to share with you something that helps me when i'm feeling emotional. So when my emotions are getting the better of me.
Put on some songs that make you cry or emotional, this is what I call emotional therapy. Let it all out, it'll be better by the end of it I promise you.
So that's that for another blog post. It's currently 1:41am in the UK where I am, and I'm not tired at all, I've not had my meds tonight which is why I'm not sleeping as I left them at my boyfriends.
Hope you're all well.
Catherine x
Sunday, 14 October 2018
Thursday, 11 October 2018
Going into therapy
Tomorrow, I'm phoning my old counselling service who I've worked with before and going back into therapy. I'm honestly so nervous as I usually see a lady in Kettering but I can't afford going there every week so I'm going to the local one here in Corby, Northamptonshire. I wanted to go into therapy a few months ago but I was already seeing my psychologist so I thought I would let that work first but I had a bad experience with him so I've decided to go into counselling and talk my problems out.
Back when I was 14, I was groomed online, I didn't realise I was a victim to sexual grooming until Loose Women shared their #itsnevertoolate campaign, and I then cried my eyes out when the realisation kicked in.
I was also raped back in 2014, when I moved house. It was a horrible experience, I again thought it was my fault. So I didn't push for sentencing the person. I was raped again in 2016, when my ex moved in. I was drunk the first time and the CID lady said that it was my fault, but the thing is I didn't give consent and I also didn't say no to it. I didn't give them the proper evidence because I felt so ashamed.
Back when I was 14, I was groomed online, I didn't realise I was a victim to sexual grooming until Loose Women shared their #itsnevertoolate campaign, and I then cried my eyes out when the realisation kicked in.
I was also raped back in 2014, when I moved house. It was a horrible experience, I again thought it was my fault. So I didn't push for sentencing the person. I was raped again in 2016, when my ex moved in. I was drunk the first time and the CID lady said that it was my fault, but the thing is I didn't give consent and I also didn't say no to it. I didn't give them the proper evidence because I felt so ashamed.
It's going to be hard work, but it's going to worth it. I'm really excited to start counselling again.
Wednesday, 10 October 2018
World Mental Health Day 2018
I'm so excited to be sharing my story once again, I shared my story back in 2016 and a lot has happened since, so this will be an updated version. Enjoy.
My journey started 15 years ago, I was 9 years old. I started becoming obsessed over even numbers, touching things twice or more times and if I didn't do it, someone in my family would've come to harm in some way. I then started hearing voices in my head but I thought everyone hears voices in their head at some point each day, so I thought nothing of it. I then started experiencing panic attacks. I remember my first ever panic attack, it was in London Underground when I was going through the barriers. I remember after going through every single barrier, I would have heavy heart palpitations, voices would get louder and louder (I mean, it was loud enough in reality as it was during the Christmas rush), it was all so scary, I would burst out crying, it was horrible. I then started to experience hallucinations which added to the madness. I would hallucinate during the night and shout for my Mum to come in so I was safe. At school, it crept up on me. At primary school I was obsessing over even numbers and the voices in my head asked me to spin around on one foot an even number of times or my Mum would get hurt and obviously I didn't want that, so I did as I was told. My club teacher didn't like it and kept telling me off for it as I was meant to face the front and read off the screen.
Fast forward to when I was 15, I was living with my Dad and I started experiencing thoughts and feelings about food. It became an obsession as well. I hid food in my room, refuse to eat my lunch at school and I just hated my body. I would get home, binge on cereal and purge it all back up. This was the start of an eating disorder that is still haunting me even today. I was born premature and was looked after in Special Care Baby Unit in Kettering, Northamptonshire so I was small in size anyway, but this added another level. I was underweight for my height and I still hated my body.
At 18 years old, I was experiencing a panic attack in my room, shaking, crying hysterically. The only thought that went through my head was 'why don't you kill yourself??' and it was scary to think that for the very first time ever, I'd never experienced that before.. anyway, I thought 'I need to speak out about this, it's been too long and not forgetting painful'. I made a note for both my PDC (Personal Development Coach) and my safeguarding officer Kirstie, folded them up and put them in my college bag for the next day.
The next day I went in to see Kirstie and gave her the note whilst trying to not cry. She read the note and looked up at me with just a shocked face. I felt a relief rolling off my shoulders now that I finally had told someone about what had been happening. She was shocked because she knew me so well, I was Vice President in Student Union, going for the role of President of the Corby Campus at Tresham College. She agreed to meet me after my lessons, so I walked up to my class and apologised to my teacher for being late (she knew why a little later). I then started on my work, 5 minutes later, I was hysterically crying my eyes out (only my friend knew about it), I asked my teacher what room number we were in and she told me. I emailed Kirstie downstairs and she came straight up, called my teacher out and explained what had happened before class.
I was then called to the front of the class to speak to my teacher, my teacher passed me a note that said 'Kirstie will speak to you after college'. I agreed and carried on with my work.
I then went down to see Kirstie after college, she brought me into a small room and I burst in to tears, again she was shocked. We had spoken for an hour or so, and I headed home with my Mum.
I had also seen my PDC Sian, and gave her the same note I gave to Kirstie.
I was given a leaflet by Kirstie and on it said about a counselling service that college was doing, and that it might help me. And boy did it!! It really helped me. Although I've seen her 3 times now and now I don't see anyone as I've been on the waiting list for ages for places that haven't even contacted me. I'm going to try and see Cathy (the counsellor from Tresham) again.
With the help of my Nan, I booked an appointment to see my family GP, Dr W. The day came and I couldn't have been more nervous about it. I went in open minded and talked about everything that had happened, he then referred me to the Wellbeing Team and prescribed me some medication called Propanalol to help with my panic attacks.
I started taking them and they did more bad than good unfortunately. I went back so many times and he still referred me to the same place until Wellbeing team had told me that I was too dangerous for them to manage. I didn't find my doctor helpful at all, so a few years later I saw another doctor. He was shocked about how many times I was thrown back and forth through different places, put on the waiting list for Mind counselling who still to this day haven't contacted me. This new doctor (Dr R) agreed to put me under his wing for a while as I was 'too dangerous' not to be. He continued to see me for a couple of months until he was happy to let me get on with things.
At 22, I started experiencing PTSD flashbacks from when I was groomed online at 14 years old and I was also raped back in 2014, this something I'm going to be working on in therapy (I'm calling them today), I had only realised that I wasn't alone, when the Loose Women spoke up about their experiences with rape in their #ItsNeverTooLate campaign. I always thought it was my fault that those things happened to me, but in fact it wasn't. No consent is no consent, not saying yes or no is not consent!! This is something I'd like to eventually speak publically about because I think it's such a taboo subject like mental health is, but I will be able to finally talk about it.
After being bulimic at age 15, I found another eating disorder that took hold of me, anorexia. I was always told as a child that I had a belly on me which fed my addiction with Ana (my anorexia voice). I eventually starved myself for a few weeks and felt sick because of it. I phoned 111 and told them I had blood in my sick and they told me to go to the nearest urgent care centre and that they were expecting me, so I phoned my Grandad to take me over there. I was then rushed into the Observation Bays, and was given fluids. The next day, I went to see Dr R and he asked me if I was okay. He then looked over at my Grandad who was sitting next to me shaking his head. He told Dr R what happened yesterday and I told him with tears in my eyes that I had starved myself. I gave him my urine sample and it turns out to be that I didn't have enough ketones. So my doctor started to get worried about me. I was told to go to the hospital to get checked over and they gave me a glass of something that tasted like acid but it was a drink to help with the starvation I had done to myself. Since then I haven't gone back, thankfully.
I am happy with where I am in life, I'm now doing a childcare course online, got myself a man who cares for me and I am so happy with my progress and so is my doctor who I haven't had to see for over a year which is just amazing!!
I'm going to be updating this as time goes on, but yeah so far that's my story.
Stay strong everyone.
Catherine x
My journey started 15 years ago, I was 9 years old. I started becoming obsessed over even numbers, touching things twice or more times and if I didn't do it, someone in my family would've come to harm in some way. I then started hearing voices in my head but I thought everyone hears voices in their head at some point each day, so I thought nothing of it. I then started experiencing panic attacks. I remember my first ever panic attack, it was in London Underground when I was going through the barriers. I remember after going through every single barrier, I would have heavy heart palpitations, voices would get louder and louder (I mean, it was loud enough in reality as it was during the Christmas rush), it was all so scary, I would burst out crying, it was horrible. I then started to experience hallucinations which added to the madness. I would hallucinate during the night and shout for my Mum to come in so I was safe. At school, it crept up on me. At primary school I was obsessing over even numbers and the voices in my head asked me to spin around on one foot an even number of times or my Mum would get hurt and obviously I didn't want that, so I did as I was told. My club teacher didn't like it and kept telling me off for it as I was meant to face the front and read off the screen.
Fast forward to when I was 15, I was living with my Dad and I started experiencing thoughts and feelings about food. It became an obsession as well. I hid food in my room, refuse to eat my lunch at school and I just hated my body. I would get home, binge on cereal and purge it all back up. This was the start of an eating disorder that is still haunting me even today. I was born premature and was looked after in Special Care Baby Unit in Kettering, Northamptonshire so I was small in size anyway, but this added another level. I was underweight for my height and I still hated my body.
At 18 years old, I was experiencing a panic attack in my room, shaking, crying hysterically. The only thought that went through my head was 'why don't you kill yourself??' and it was scary to think that for the very first time ever, I'd never experienced that before.. anyway, I thought 'I need to speak out about this, it's been too long and not forgetting painful'. I made a note for both my PDC (Personal Development Coach) and my safeguarding officer Kirstie, folded them up and put them in my college bag for the next day.
The next day I went in to see Kirstie and gave her the note whilst trying to not cry. She read the note and looked up at me with just a shocked face. I felt a relief rolling off my shoulders now that I finally had told someone about what had been happening. She was shocked because she knew me so well, I was Vice President in Student Union, going for the role of President of the Corby Campus at Tresham College. She agreed to meet me after my lessons, so I walked up to my class and apologised to my teacher for being late (she knew why a little later). I then started on my work, 5 minutes later, I was hysterically crying my eyes out (only my friend knew about it), I asked my teacher what room number we were in and she told me. I emailed Kirstie downstairs and she came straight up, called my teacher out and explained what had happened before class.
I was then called to the front of the class to speak to my teacher, my teacher passed me a note that said 'Kirstie will speak to you after college'. I agreed and carried on with my work.
I then went down to see Kirstie after college, she brought me into a small room and I burst in to tears, again she was shocked. We had spoken for an hour or so, and I headed home with my Mum.
I had also seen my PDC Sian, and gave her the same note I gave to Kirstie.
I was given a leaflet by Kirstie and on it said about a counselling service that college was doing, and that it might help me. And boy did it!! It really helped me. Although I've seen her 3 times now and now I don't see anyone as I've been on the waiting list for ages for places that haven't even contacted me. I'm going to try and see Cathy (the counsellor from Tresham) again.
With the help of my Nan, I booked an appointment to see my family GP, Dr W. The day came and I couldn't have been more nervous about it. I went in open minded and talked about everything that had happened, he then referred me to the Wellbeing Team and prescribed me some medication called Propanalol to help with my panic attacks.
I started taking them and they did more bad than good unfortunately. I went back so many times and he still referred me to the same place until Wellbeing team had told me that I was too dangerous for them to manage. I didn't find my doctor helpful at all, so a few years later I saw another doctor. He was shocked about how many times I was thrown back and forth through different places, put on the waiting list for Mind counselling who still to this day haven't contacted me. This new doctor (Dr R) agreed to put me under his wing for a while as I was 'too dangerous' not to be. He continued to see me for a couple of months until he was happy to let me get on with things.
At 22, I started experiencing PTSD flashbacks from when I was groomed online at 14 years old and I was also raped back in 2014, this something I'm going to be working on in therapy (I'm calling them today), I had only realised that I wasn't alone, when the Loose Women spoke up about their experiences with rape in their #ItsNeverTooLate campaign. I always thought it was my fault that those things happened to me, but in fact it wasn't. No consent is no consent, not saying yes or no is not consent!! This is something I'd like to eventually speak publically about because I think it's such a taboo subject like mental health is, but I will be able to finally talk about it.
After being bulimic at age 15, I found another eating disorder that took hold of me, anorexia. I was always told as a child that I had a belly on me which fed my addiction with Ana (my anorexia voice). I eventually starved myself for a few weeks and felt sick because of it. I phoned 111 and told them I had blood in my sick and they told me to go to the nearest urgent care centre and that they were expecting me, so I phoned my Grandad to take me over there. I was then rushed into the Observation Bays, and was given fluids. The next day, I went to see Dr R and he asked me if I was okay. He then looked over at my Grandad who was sitting next to me shaking his head. He told Dr R what happened yesterday and I told him with tears in my eyes that I had starved myself. I gave him my urine sample and it turns out to be that I didn't have enough ketones. So my doctor started to get worried about me. I was told to go to the hospital to get checked over and they gave me a glass of something that tasted like acid but it was a drink to help with the starvation I had done to myself. Since then I haven't gone back, thankfully.
I am happy with where I am in life, I'm now doing a childcare course online, got myself a man who cares for me and I am so happy with my progress and so is my doctor who I haven't had to see for over a year which is just amazing!!
I'm going to be updating this as time goes on, but yeah so far that's my story.
Stay strong everyone.
Catherine x
Wednesday, 3 October 2018
Psychiatrist appointment
I had my psychiatrist appointment and he's running out of medications to give me as I've had most of the ones I'm allowed. I'll be speaking to my doctor tomorrow about it because I don't think they are working.
Self harm urges are high tonight, because one of the people on Instagram posted a picture of her arm covered in blood, thankfully she's getting help for it at hospital. My self-harm scars are really triggering me and I just want to feel something that's not numbness. I'm with my boyfriend tonight so I'm safe.
I have my doctor phoning me tomorrow so I will also update people on what he says too.
I haven't been to work for about a week and a bit, I wanted to start my online Childcare course so I'm going back there in the next few weeks.
Hope everyone is okay.
Much love, Catherine
Self harm urges are high tonight, because one of the people on Instagram posted a picture of her arm covered in blood, thankfully she's getting help for it at hospital. My self-harm scars are really triggering me and I just want to feel something that's not numbness. I'm with my boyfriend tonight so I'm safe.
I have my doctor phoning me tomorrow so I will also update people on what he says too.
I haven't been to work for about a week and a bit, I wanted to start my online Childcare course so I'm going back there in the next few weeks.
Hope everyone is okay.
Much love, Catherine
Thursday, 27 September 2018
Update:
I'm doing another update because I'm finally having my review for my meds next Thursday. I didn't realise it was a phone call appointment, I've never had a review yet, so this will be interesting.
I'm doing okay, I think. Anorexia is getting on my nerves at the moment, I'm trying my best to not give in to the voice. It's hard. Since being on the new meds, I've gained a lot, I don't know just how much, but I've definitely put on maybe a stone, or more. I hate it. I hate the way I look, I hate my weight, I just hate everything about it. I brought some weightloss capsules, not because Ana wants me to lose all 'this fat' but to get back to a healthy weight. This is not to give into Ana, this was a personal choice, because I feel and look for that matter like a young whale.
I recently started my online childcare course, which is going great. I absolutely love it. It's stressful but that's to be expected. I haven't got any deadlines, it gets done when I can do it. It's so much more relaxed than a proper college course, as I did my level 1 in a college setting, Tresham to be exact. I was allowed to do level 2 but I wanted to 'stay with my friends' which I now regret. I'm doing my level 3 and that's my favourite thing about studying online, you don't have to have experience or qualifications to do a higher level, you just need to be prepared to work for your qualification. I started on 18th September, and I have had a lot of help from my tutor, so if someone that's reading this would like to try it, honestly it's one of the best decisions I've made in my whole life.
It's funny how I can type out a long blog post, but when I try and do an assignment, it's like, what the hell do I type, I'm getting used to it I think, it's a stepping stone. I'm going to be glad when my first unit is finally handed in. It's only 2 units and I'm falling behind I think, but it's fine, I've got 1 year to do it and when it's over, I'll be so happy.
My depression tried to take over my life recently too, so I haven't had the motivation to do any of it. I'll do notes and the little things to build up an assignment bit by bit.
I also have an appointment with my psychiatrist which I think will be positive, but I will be honest with what's been happening and I can't wait to share what I've kept quiet for ages!!
Catherine x
I'm doing okay, I think. Anorexia is getting on my nerves at the moment, I'm trying my best to not give in to the voice. It's hard. Since being on the new meds, I've gained a lot, I don't know just how much, but I've definitely put on maybe a stone, or more. I hate it. I hate the way I look, I hate my weight, I just hate everything about it. I brought some weightloss capsules, not because Ana wants me to lose all 'this fat' but to get back to a healthy weight. This is not to give into Ana, this was a personal choice, because I feel and look for that matter like a young whale.
I recently started my online childcare course, which is going great. I absolutely love it. It's stressful but that's to be expected. I haven't got any deadlines, it gets done when I can do it. It's so much more relaxed than a proper college course, as I did my level 1 in a college setting, Tresham to be exact. I was allowed to do level 2 but I wanted to 'stay with my friends' which I now regret. I'm doing my level 3 and that's my favourite thing about studying online, you don't have to have experience or qualifications to do a higher level, you just need to be prepared to work for your qualification. I started on 18th September, and I have had a lot of help from my tutor, so if someone that's reading this would like to try it, honestly it's one of the best decisions I've made in my whole life.
It's funny how I can type out a long blog post, but when I try and do an assignment, it's like, what the hell do I type, I'm getting used to it I think, it's a stepping stone. I'm going to be glad when my first unit is finally handed in. It's only 2 units and I'm falling behind I think, but it's fine, I've got 1 year to do it and when it's over, I'll be so happy.
My depression tried to take over my life recently too, so I haven't had the motivation to do any of it. I'll do notes and the little things to build up an assignment bit by bit.
I also have an appointment with my psychiatrist which I think will be positive, but I will be honest with what's been happening and I can't wait to share what I've kept quiet for ages!!
Catherine x
Wednesday, 12 September 2018
Activities to do when you're down
These are some of my favourite activities to do when I'm down.
1. Dot to dot - This helps me focus on something other than what's happening in my head.
2. Colouring in
3. Singing
4. Dancing
5. Have a photoshoot
6. Go out for a walk
7. Do your makeup
8. Watch your fav film
9. Watch a Netflix marathon
10. Tidy up
Catherine x
1. Dot to dot - This helps me focus on something other than what's happening in my head.
2. Colouring in
3. Singing
4. Dancing
5. Have a photoshoot
6. Go out for a walk
7. Do your makeup
8. Watch your fav film
9. Watch a Netflix marathon
10. Tidy up
Catherine x
Sunday, 9 September 2018
My Battle With Anorexia: The story so far..
This time last year I posted a photo of a takeaway meal I got from the local kebab shop. It was cheesy chips and I posted it with the caption 'beating anorexia one bite at a time'. Many people didn't believe that I was suffering with anorexia. I didn't look anorexic, I was weight restored at the time. I was a normal weight for my height and age.
Rewind to when I was born, I was born premature, throughout my childhood, I had a healthy appetite, I was undeveloped and was teased at secondary school for having no boobs or cleavage, it was horrible. I was a healthy weight - around 7 stone. I loved food.
It wasn't until I went to live with my Dad back in 2009 that I noticed my weight and how much I was eating. I would weigh myself daily and make sure it was an even number, if it wasn't I'd punish myself by sleeping in on weekends (although I was working most weekends) and skipping breakfast a lot. I was a size 7-8 years when I was 15.
I remember one night, I was looking in the mirror and it sounded like someone was next to me saying I was fat, worthless. Now I'd been suffering with hearing voices in my head but this one was different, this one sounded like it was behind me or next to me and sometimes afterschool I was alone in the house until my step-mum returned home from work so it was definitely a voice, but it wasn't in my head - does that make sense??
Since then, I've relapsed so many times, too many times to count. I've felt like I was fat most of my life, it's a horrible illness to live with on top of what I already suffer with - anxiety, depression, OCD, EUPD (BPD), and PTSD. It's like having a devil follow you about telling you you're not good enough, judging what you buy from shops, it's full on.
I'm still struggling with it today. Last night I had a bad night with it, it hurt to cry so much, my stomach turned everytime I cried, I was a mess. I don't know my exact weight, but I know I'm still overweight which bothers me so much.
This blog post will be updated a lot in the next few weeks as I've relapsed in the past. For anyone who wants to follow my journey with anorexia, I'll make a new Instagram.
If you're suffering with any mental health issues and would like support, I'm an admin for a support group on Facebook called Mental Health Matters Speak Out, join and answer the questions and you can be part of the group. We support eachother every day and you're more than welcome to become a member.
Catherine x
Rewind to when I was born, I was born premature, throughout my childhood, I had a healthy appetite, I was undeveloped and was teased at secondary school for having no boobs or cleavage, it was horrible. I was a healthy weight - around 7 stone. I loved food.
It wasn't until I went to live with my Dad back in 2009 that I noticed my weight and how much I was eating. I would weigh myself daily and make sure it was an even number, if it wasn't I'd punish myself by sleeping in on weekends (although I was working most weekends) and skipping breakfast a lot. I was a size 7-8 years when I was 15.
I remember one night, I was looking in the mirror and it sounded like someone was next to me saying I was fat, worthless. Now I'd been suffering with hearing voices in my head but this one was different, this one sounded like it was behind me or next to me and sometimes afterschool I was alone in the house until my step-mum returned home from work so it was definitely a voice, but it wasn't in my head - does that make sense??
Since then, I've relapsed so many times, too many times to count. I've felt like I was fat most of my life, it's a horrible illness to live with on top of what I already suffer with - anxiety, depression, OCD, EUPD (BPD), and PTSD. It's like having a devil follow you about telling you you're not good enough, judging what you buy from shops, it's full on.
I'm still struggling with it today. Last night I had a bad night with it, it hurt to cry so much, my stomach turned everytime I cried, I was a mess. I don't know my exact weight, but I know I'm still overweight which bothers me so much.
This blog post will be updated a lot in the next few weeks as I've relapsed in the past. For anyone who wants to follow my journey with anorexia, I'll make a new Instagram.
If you're suffering with any mental health issues and would like support, I'm an admin for a support group on Facebook called Mental Health Matters Speak Out, join and answer the questions and you can be part of the group. We support eachother every day and you're more than welcome to become a member.
Catherine x
Thursday, 6 September 2018
3 Things On My Mind
I'll try and do this as a daily thing, not promising anything though.
My mental health deteriorated tonight and it was like someone was controlling my emotions. It was horrible.
So I'm going to be going through the top 3 things on my mind.
1. Ana. Ana is my eating disorder voice and I have a love/hate relationship with her. I've been eating safe foods recently and so I've listened to her and obeyed her.
I haven't been weighing myself because I haven't got spare batteries for my scales.
2. Work. I've been working a lot more than i'm used to. The next few days will be so busy, I'm working Saturday and then on Monday I'm with the Air Ambulance doing collection buckets around the town centre.
3. Business. I'm currently working double time with my business, speaking to so many people about the business opportunity and sharing my network marketing journey, which I did a blog post on so I'll post it here when it goes up.
Hope everyone is okay.
Catherine x
Sunday, 26 August 2018
Update:
Hello,
I know I haven't been very active on this blog, I've been concentrating on my mental health. There's a lot of updates I need to catch up on so I thought I'd put it all in one blog post. Enjoy.
So during the past couple of weeks, I've been very anxious. I've started a new job at the local Cancer Research UK store and I absolutely love it. It's my 4th charity I've worked for and I love volunteering. The next place I'll be looking at would be Marie Curie and then Mind in the charity shops. I love that I'm able to volunteer my spare time to amazing charities.
I'm also going back to volunteer for my local homeless shelter this winter and I'm so excited to be back.
I turned 24 a week ago and I'm feeling very old. I can't believe I've reached 24 years of age, if it wasn't for my family and my business, I wouldn't have reached 22. So thank you to everyone who was involved in saving me, I really appreciate you all.
I saw my doctor last week and he's so impressed with my progress, my boyfriend came with me and was very impressed with my doctor and how he's looking after me very well so I'm pleased with my progress. My doctor has upped my medication to 2.5mg in the morning on top of my 5mg I take at night.
I'm so happy with things are going, it's been 8 months since I met my boyfriend again (he's known me since I was 3 years old, he's my brother's best friend).
I know I haven't been very active on this blog, I've been concentrating on my mental health. There's a lot of updates I need to catch up on so I thought I'd put it all in one blog post. Enjoy.
So during the past couple of weeks, I've been very anxious. I've started a new job at the local Cancer Research UK store and I absolutely love it. It's my 4th charity I've worked for and I love volunteering. The next place I'll be looking at would be Marie Curie and then Mind in the charity shops. I love that I'm able to volunteer my spare time to amazing charities.
I'm also going back to volunteer for my local homeless shelter this winter and I'm so excited to be back.
I turned 24 a week ago and I'm feeling very old. I can't believe I've reached 24 years of age, if it wasn't for my family and my business, I wouldn't have reached 22. So thank you to everyone who was involved in saving me, I really appreciate you all.
I saw my doctor last week and he's so impressed with my progress, my boyfriend came with me and was very impressed with my doctor and how he's looking after me very well so I'm pleased with my progress. My doctor has upped my medication to 2.5mg in the morning on top of my 5mg I take at night.
I'm so happy with things are going, it's been 8 months since I met my boyfriend again (he's known me since I was 3 years old, he's my brother's best friend).
Thanks to everyone of you for your continued support, please keep it coming and I'll make some new posts to schedule them.
Catherine x
Tuesday, 24 July 2018
The Big Listen - Samaritans Annual Awareness Day
Here are their contact details and also a link to my group I'm head admin for incase you would like to speak with someone who is in the same boat as you.
Call: 116 123 (free from all phones UK and ROI only)
Call: 116 123 (free from all phones UK and ROI only)
Text: 07725909090
Email: jo@samaritans.org (UK)
jo@samaritans.ie (ROI)
Alternatively, I'm a head admin and admin for many groups, if you feel you just need to talk to someone who has been in your shoes, definitely join this group.
If you have your own experiences with talking with someone from Samaritans, please share your stories below.
Catherine x
Monday, 23 July 2018
Nearly 2 years since I said yes to a FREE opportunity
Without my business, I wouldn't be typing this today.
I said yes to a FREE opportunity nearly 2 years ago to create a life, a purpose and to have hope in my life again.
I said yes to a FREE opportunity nearly 2 years ago to create a life, a purpose and to have hope in my life again.
I was told the worst news, I wasn't be able to live a 'normal' life. I was told I wasn't allowed to work for the next 12 months. That same week I was told I couldn't drive for 3 months until I was stable with my mental health.
My mental health has got in the way with so many things, did I let that get to me, of course I did. Depression kicked in and I felt lost and worthless. I then planned to end my life, it was heart breaking for me to carry on living, so I didn't want to be here anymore. I saved up my tablets, taking them all at once, with a bottle of vodka in my hand, I was ready to go. I was 19..
2 minutes before I was about to end my life, I was given a lifeline. A way of working without going to work, a way of working where I can choose my own hours, choose who to work with and most importantly a way in which I can do from my bed if depression took a hold again.
I felt relieved, I didn't want to end my life, I didn't want to do it at all, but at the time, it felt the right thing to do, I didn't want to fail my family. Mental health has well and truly killed me so many times, and I use all my energy to bring myself back up to then get on with what I'm meant to do everyday, like shower, do my hair, tidy up, make myself food.
I felt hopeful for my future, I had a purpose again. I felt like I could take on the world, just by saying yes to starting my own online business.
If you're struggling to find work or struggling to get a job, open your own door, open your own door to your own success. I struggled with being at work, constantly being watched and judged. I still have my dream career in sight for the first time since I was little, I know what I want to do and have known for a long time.
If you would like some info on how I changed my life and changed my outlook on life, drop me an email via catherinejw@hotmail.com.
It's nearly 2 years since I said yes to a FREE opportunity and I haven't looked back!! It helps me on my bad days, I love being able to say I'm my own boss.
I'm also been getting back into work, ready for when I pursue my dream career.
I've been working for many charities including of course the homeless shelter.
I will be going live on my Facebook account on 2nd August, which of course is my 2nd year anniversary with the company I'm partnered with.
It's nearly 2 years since I said yes to a FREE opportunity and I haven't looked back!! It helps me on my bad days, I love being able to say I'm my own boss.
I'm also been getting back into work, ready for when I pursue my dream career.
I've been working for many charities including of course the homeless shelter.
I will be going live on my Facebook account on 2nd August, which of course is my 2nd year anniversary with the company I'm partnered with.
Thank You for your continued support.
I love you all!!
Catherine x
Saturday, 21 July 2018
Casualty Episode 42: Alicia's rape
This blog post is going to include major trigger warnings, I will list them here after I've typed this just so you can decide whether or not to read on.
This blog post is about the episode 42 of Casualty which was shown tonight (21/07/2018).
This blog post is about the episode 42 of Casualty which was shown tonight (21/07/2018).
I unfortunately was sexually assaulted when I was 19 years old and it pains me to write about it. The episode this blog post is relating to actually triggered me and has brought me to tears. I still blame myself for what happened to me back in 2014.
I didn't know what to do with myself. My sister got straight on the phone and called the police, she really supported me through it all and I can't thank her enough for her being there for me. Like Alicia, the character who was sexually assaulted in Casualty, I was also drunk but I didn't say yes or no, so I didn't know if it was rape or not.
Not only was I sexually assaulted/raped, I was also sexually groomed online at age 14 which i'm yet to speak out about. It's crippled me, even thinking about it now is making me cry so much right now. I'm yet to speak to my doctor about it and I will be going into therapy about it when I can get an appointment with a counsellor at my local Teamwork Trust.
I used to see a counsellor from the Kettering branch but I can't keep on seeing the same person, if anyone is local to Kettering and needs to see a counsellor, go and see Cathy at Teamwork Trust Kettering, she's amazing!!
I'm going to cut this short because I need to calm down. I can't wait for next weeks episode, I love Casualty!!
Catherine x
Wednesday, 18 July 2018
Update
I keep putting off seeing my doctor and I really need to speak to him about something that's been going on for a while but during the recent weeks, I've struggled with it a lot. I need to speak out. I'm also going to use the weighing scales he has in there, as mine have run out of batteries. I'm so nervous about it, which is why I keep putting it off longer and longer. I just think that I'm wasting his time.
When I was experiencing seizures, I was told by my doctor to phone an ambulance but I didn't all the time, I only called an ambulance when I couldn't recover properly from them. I was told by a paramedic that I was wasting resources so when I see a medical professional like my GP I'm always cautious about wasting his time. I'm going to be seeing him on Friday because I'm with my Mum tomorrow so I will WILL make an appointment on Friday to see him then.
When I was experiencing seizures, I was told by my doctor to phone an ambulance but I didn't all the time, I only called an ambulance when I couldn't recover properly from them. I was told by a paramedic that I was wasting resources so when I see a medical professional like my GP I'm always cautious about wasting his time. I'm going to be seeing him on Friday because I'm with my Mum tomorrow so I will WILL make an appointment on Friday to see him then.
Sunday, 8 July 2018
Samaritans Talk To Us Month - July 2018
Talk To Us month is an annual awareness-raising campaign by the amazing Samaritans.
I've used Samaritans a few times and I wanted to share their campaign and also contact details just in case you want to contact them yourself whether you're in a crisis or not.
The first time I contacted Samaritans, I didn't know what to expect. I used their email first of all after I was given a Samaritans bookmark by my counsellor at college. I was then given their text line number via email as it took along time for them to reply to emails as they were only answered during working hours. I then found their phone number to call them for free, all three ways saved my life so many times. I felt I was listened to and understood on so many levels, I can't thank them enough.
I've used Samaritans a few times and I wanted to share their campaign and also contact details just in case you want to contact them yourself whether you're in a crisis or not.
The first time I contacted Samaritans, I didn't know what to expect. I used their email first of all after I was given a Samaritans bookmark by my counsellor at college. I was then given their text line number via email as it took along time for them to reply to emails as they were only answered during working hours. I then found their phone number to call them for free, all three ways saved my life so many times. I felt I was listened to and understood on so many levels, I can't thank them enough.
Enough about my experiences, here are the numbers:
Call: 116 123 (free from all phones UK and ROI only)
Text: 07725909090
Email: jo@samaritans.org (UK)
jo@samaritans.ie (ROI)
Alternatively, I'm a head admin and admin for many groups, if you feel you just need to talk to someone who has been in your shoes, definitely join this group.
If you have your own experiences with talking with someone from Samaritans, please share your stories below.
Catherine x
Saturday, 7 July 2018
30 Day Self Care Challenge
I was going through accounts that use the hashtag #mentalhealth and I came across an account that is in the middle of doing a Self Care Challenge for 30 days.
Their Instagram account is called - bipolarandchubby and she also has a blog called the same, here's the link to it.
I started on 29th July 2018 - with Day One, check them out below:
Day One
Day Two
Day Three
Day Four
Day Five
Day Six
Day Seven
Day Eight
Day Nine: Watch the sunrise or sunset
I'm so glad this has come up, I love watching the sunset!!
Catherine x
Their Instagram account is called - bipolarandchubby and she also has a blog called the same, here's the link to it.
I started on 29th July 2018 - with Day One, check them out below:
Day One
Day Two
Day Three
Day Four
Day Five
Day Six
Day Seven
Day Eight
Day Nine: Watch the sunrise or sunset
I'm so glad this has come up, I love watching the sunset!!
Catherine x
Thursday, 5 July 2018
Alcohol Abuse - My Experience - Sober Demi Lovato
I've just listened to Demi Lovato's track called Sober. It's such a great song. These are the lyrics that she sings..
I got no excuses
For all of these goodbyes
Call me when it's over
'Cause I'm dying inside
Wake me up when the shakes are gone
And the cold sweats disappear
Call me when it's over
And myself has reappeared
For all of these goodbyes
Call me when it's over
'Cause I'm dying inside
Wake me up when the shakes are gone
And the cold sweats disappear
Call me when it's over
And myself has reappeared
I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know why
I do it every, every, every time
It's only when I'm lonely
Sometimes I just wanna cave
And I don't wanna fight
I try and I try and I try and I try
Just hold me, I'm lonely
I do it every, every, every time
It's only when I'm lonely
Sometimes I just wanna cave
And I don't wanna fight
I try and I try and I try and I try
Just hold me, I'm lonely
Momma, I'm so sorry I'm not sober anymore
And daddy, please forgive me for the drinks spilled on the floor
To the ones who never left me
We've been down this road before
I'm so sorry, I'm not sober anymore
And daddy, please forgive me for the drinks spilled on the floor
To the ones who never left me
We've been down this road before
I'm so sorry, I'm not sober anymore
I'm sorry to my future love
For the man who left my bed
For making love the way I saved for you inside my head
I'm sorry for the fans I lost
Who watched me fall again
For the man who left my bed
For making love the way I saved for you inside my head
I'm sorry for the fans I lost
Who watched me fall again
I wanna be a role model
But I'm only human
But I'm only human
I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know why
I do it every, every, every time
It's only when I'm lonely
Sometimes I just wanna cave
And I don't wanna fight
I try and I try and I try and I try
Just hold me, I'm lonely
I do it every, every, every time
It's only when I'm lonely
Sometimes I just wanna cave
And I don't wanna fight
I try and I try and I try and I try
Just hold me, I'm lonely
I got these lyrics from MetroLyrics which you can find
I haven't really gone into how this relates to me at all on my blog. But I used to abuse alcohol to cope with my mental health. I've been sober from alcohol abuse since 2015. I worked in Wetherspoons, behind the bar and used to buy so much alcohol to take home, and just drink. I finally gave up the day after my 19th birthday. I now only drink socially, I don't drink to get drunk, I don't drink to have fun and most importantly, I don't drink to cope with my mental health. It's been such a long and hard road from my drinking days. I have come so far and I'm so happy with my progress. Yes, okay the rare "I could use a vodka right about now" pops into my head and yes I did drink excessively at my work do but that wasn't to cope with my mental health that was because I was enjoying myself for the first time in ages. Massive thank you to Demi for sharing her story in her documentary Simply Complicated on YouTube and now in her songs.
If you struggle with alcohol abuse too, please be aware there's so much help out there, going to your GP is so worth it.
Catherine x
Sunday, 1 July 2018
Recovery Is Beautiful Series: 6. PTSD
This is my fifth post in my series.
I have done 3 posts before this so use the links below to navigate to each one..
Anxiety
Depression
OCD
BPD (EUPD)
Anorexia
I'll be sharing my experiences with the variety of mental health illnesses I suffer with.
Today will be about PTSD
If you want to see my full story then please click here..
My most recent diagnosis is PTSD. I was sexually groomed online and also raped twice.
It was hell. I didn't speak up until a few months ago because I felt guilty for what happened to me all those times.
I am recovering from PTSD and I know I can, with a little professional help, I can get there, back to the road to recovery.
It's a tough journey, but know you are not alone in this.
Much love,
Catherine x
I have done 3 posts before this so use the links below to navigate to each one..
Anxiety
Depression
OCD
BPD (EUPD)
Anorexia
I'll be sharing my experiences with the variety of mental health illnesses I suffer with.
Today will be about PTSD
If you want to see my full story then please click here..
My most recent diagnosis is PTSD. I was sexually groomed online and also raped twice.
It was hell. I didn't speak up until a few months ago because I felt guilty for what happened to me all those times.
I am recovering from PTSD and I know I can, with a little professional help, I can get there, back to the road to recovery.
It's a tough journey, but know you are not alone in this.
We are here to help you.
Much love,
Catherine x
Thursday, 28 June 2018
Finding what works for you..
There will be trigger warnings present so if you're easily triggered then please do not read. There will be a happier post coming on Wednesday at 8pm UK time.
When we think of recovery we think of a graph with the line being drawn from the bottom all the way to the top across the graph.
My experience doesn't even come near that.
When we think of recovery we think of a graph with the line being drawn from the bottom all the way to the top across the graph.
My experience doesn't even come near that.
Whether you've got depression, anxiety or anorexia, finding the right people to help you is needed as much as food and water is needed.
My experience with getting help started great, I spoke to my safeguarding officer about suffering in silence for 9 years - you can find out more about my story here.
I went to someone who 1. had known me for a good year or so and 2. someone I trusted with what I was telling her. It's her job to look out for people who may be struggling.
Safe to say she was shocked.
I then went to see my doctor, who was helpful at first then decided that one place was definitely going to help, which really didn't, they decided to say I was too "dangerous" for them to take on and so I was back at square one.
I was then in a crisis and had the crisis team come out after being impulsive with my medication and the two times I had overdosed, they landed me in hospital as a voluntary admission, I begged the first time and it was suggested the second time as I had overdosed 2 times that night. The admissions didn't last long, 26 hours each, but it helped in some way. I know how to access the help when I need it and I know who to turn to and who will actually help me.
I was definitely an impulsive patient and ended up going to A&E a lot by ambulance.
As my doctor explains - I'm okay 99% of the time, that 1% left over I'm so impulsive and don't think about the consequences.
The first person I went to as I said was Kirstie, my safeguarding officer in college.
Next I went to see my doctor (family GP) who wasn't very helpful. It was until I was really in a crisis, I met my current doctor who is so understanding and knows me like the back of his hand, he took me under his wing and I've seen him ever since. He started by seeing me every week, then every 2 weeks, every month, every 2 months then said I was safe enough to be seeing him under my terms.
Finding help can be hard for many people just starting to speak out, me, I didn't know who to go to, I just wanted to tell someone before it got worse.
I remember the night before I spoke up, I was having a panic attack and suicidal thoughts were racing around my head, my voices saying "you're better off dead, look at you, you're short and just a waste" It was hell to say the least. I remember writing out the notes I gave to Kirstie, my safeguarding officer and Sian, my personal development coach the next morning.
Find what works for you, somethings are going to and somethings are not going to help you, but it takes time to find what is right.
Catherine x
Sunday, 24 June 2018
Recovery Is Possible Series: 5. Anorexia
This is my forth post in my series.
I have done 3 posts before this so use the links below to navigate to each one..
Anxiety
Depression
OCD
BPD (EUPD)
I'll be sharing my experiences with the variety of mental health illnesses I suffer with.
Today will be about anorexia
If you want to see my full story then please click here..
When I was diagnosed with anorexia, I wasn't 'skinny' or 'thin', I was weight restored, the perfect weight for my height. Ever since I was a little girl I would be told I had a belly on me, so I would try and hide food in my room at age 14 when I was living with my Dad. If you ever seen me, you wouldn't have noticed, I was very small at just 4ft 9inch, I was tiny, I would be crowded round in the classroom and outside in the playground. It was horrible.
I held a secret and that was I would drink so much water which would fill me up.
It worked a short while until I rebelled against Ana, the girl in my head telling what and when to eat, it's horrible. I'm still battling her even today.
It's a tough journey, but know you are not alone in this.
Much love,
Catherine x
I have done 3 posts before this so use the links below to navigate to each one..
Anxiety
Depression
OCD
BPD (EUPD)
I'll be sharing my experiences with the variety of mental health illnesses I suffer with.
Today will be about anorexia
If you want to see my full story then please click here..
When I was diagnosed with anorexia, I wasn't 'skinny' or 'thin', I was weight restored, the perfect weight for my height. Ever since I was a little girl I would be told I had a belly on me, so I would try and hide food in my room at age 14 when I was living with my Dad. If you ever seen me, you wouldn't have noticed, I was very small at just 4ft 9inch, I was tiny, I would be crowded round in the classroom and outside in the playground. It was horrible.
I held a secret and that was I would drink so much water which would fill me up.
It worked a short while until I rebelled against Ana, the girl in my head telling what and when to eat, it's horrible. I'm still battling her even today.
It's a tough journey, but know you are not alone in this.
We are here to help you.
Much love,
Catherine x
Friday, 22 June 2018
Why it's important to share your mental health story whether you're in recovery or not
At the grand age of 23. I have shared my story so many times with so many people who are going down the same path to recovery as I am, although there are so many different stories to tell and here's why I shared mine so early on in my recovery.
It's so important to show others that it isn't shameful to be suffering with mental health illnesses. It's not shameful for you to be put on medication to help you cope. People with cancer may have to have chemo or radiotherapy to help them recover, those with diabetes have to take insulin to balance the sugar levels in their body. That's exactly what we're doing, taking medication to help us recover and to balance out the serotonin in our brains.
I love sharing my story with others, it's helped so many people speak out about their own struggles.
I suffered in silence for 9 years from age 9 til 18. I didn't have a choice but to speak up. It was a long hard road to travel down on your own. It's difficult. It was absolute hell!! It brought out the teenage rebel in me and now that that is under control, I feel so bad about how I was. If you want to speak out, please do, it's the best thing I have ever done and I have done some amazing things in the past. Yes of course I had bad experiences with some people, but it's about them understanding what's going on. Yes, some people are going to run away and be scared and again it's about them understanding, without understanding, it's ignorance. Just because you can't see it, doesn't mean it's not there. Like cancer and diabetes, you can't see that either, yet the stigma for mental health is much larger than stigma against cancer and diabetes.
It's so important to share that you have mental health issues, yes it's closed so many doors but opened so many more for me. If it wasn't for my mental health, I wouldn't be off work right now and that's a blessing in disguise because it gives me time to get qualifications for me to pursue my dream job in childcare.
It's so important to show others that it isn't shameful to be suffering with mental health illnesses. It's not shameful for you to be put on medication to help you cope. People with cancer may have to have chemo or radiotherapy to help them recover, those with diabetes have to take insulin to balance the sugar levels in their body. That's exactly what we're doing, taking medication to help us recover and to balance out the serotonin in our brains.
I love sharing my story with others, it's helped so many people speak out about their own struggles.
I suffered in silence for 9 years from age 9 til 18. I didn't have a choice but to speak up. It was a long hard road to travel down on your own. It's difficult. It was absolute hell!! It brought out the teenage rebel in me and now that that is under control, I feel so bad about how I was. If you want to speak out, please do, it's the best thing I have ever done and I have done some amazing things in the past. Yes of course I had bad experiences with some people, but it's about them understanding what's going on. Yes, some people are going to run away and be scared and again it's about them understanding, without understanding, it's ignorance. Just because you can't see it, doesn't mean it's not there. Like cancer and diabetes, you can't see that either, yet the stigma for mental health is much larger than stigma against cancer and diabetes.
It's so important to share that you have mental health issues, yes it's closed so many doors but opened so many more for me. If it wasn't for my mental health, I wouldn't be off work right now and that's a blessing in disguise because it gives me time to get qualifications for me to pursue my dream job in childcare.
Share your diagnosis' below and let's get rid of the stigma!! Speak loud and speak proud!!
Hope you're all enjoying the beautiful weather,
Catherine x
Wednesday, 20 June 2018
Self Harm Milestone
Many of us who use Facebook know that it shows memories called On This Day, showing us what we posted 1year - how long you've had Facebook on that specific day.
I looked on my memories today and 1 year ago today, I was 80 days self harm free so that makes it 1 year and 80 days self harm free.
To share this makes me feel emotional and above all strong to be able to go that long without self-harming.
I looked on my memories today and 1 year ago today, I was 80 days self harm free so that makes it 1 year and 80 days self harm free.
To share this makes me feel emotional and above all strong to be able to go that long without self-harming.
To see alternatives to self harm and ways to self care - check out this blog post
Sunday, 17 June 2018
Recovery Is Possible Series: 4. BPD (EUPD)
This is my forth post in my series.
I have done 3 posts before this so use the links below to navigate to each one..
Anxiety
Depression
OCD
I'll be sharing my experiences with the variety of mental health illnesses I suffer with.
Today will be about BPD (EUPD)
If you want to see my full story then please click here..
I was diagnosed with EUPD shortly after my admission to a local psych ward.
I feel like I experienced EUPD symptoms since I was 9 the same as the OCD symptoms.
Some days I feel like I can conquer the world, and other days, I can barely leave my bed or shower. It's definitely one of my top mental illness that I don't like suffering with. It's hell. Your emotions are always high, some days are better than others though.
My thoughts race, emotions run down my cheeks and I barely have a good day where it leaves me alone.
It's a tough journey, but know you are not alone in this.
Catherine x
I have done 3 posts before this so use the links below to navigate to each one..
Anxiety
Depression
OCD
I'll be sharing my experiences with the variety of mental health illnesses I suffer with.
Today will be about BPD (EUPD)
If you want to see my full story then please click here..
I was diagnosed with EUPD shortly after my admission to a local psych ward.
I feel like I experienced EUPD symptoms since I was 9 the same as the OCD symptoms.
Some days I feel like I can conquer the world, and other days, I can barely leave my bed or shower. It's definitely one of my top mental illness that I don't like suffering with. It's hell. Your emotions are always high, some days are better than others though.
My thoughts race, emotions run down my cheeks and I barely have a good day where it leaves me alone.
It's a tough journey, but know you are not alone in this.
Catherine x
Tuesday, 12 June 2018
Falling through the Mental Health System: My experience with asking for help
Before I get into the post, I would like to tell you positive experiences with mental health professionals.
I was admitted into hospital when I was really struggling with my mental health but then discharged the next day.
It really depends on how safe you are at home and what help is available in the community.
I was first diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder back in 2013, after suffering in silence for 9 years. I didn't realise what made my heart beat fast, my hands go numb and cold and my head fill with negative thoughts.
I went to my safeguarding officer at college, the day after I attempted suicide for the first time ever. I didn't know what to expect, but quickly she noticed that I wasn't right and offered to chat to me after college. I went upstairs to my class and 15 minutes later I was in tears, panicking about speaking to her, which was strange but again I didn't know if she was gonna call the crisis team in and get me sectioned then and there. It was a weird day.
After college, I went back down and spoke to her. She was really surprised that I had suffered with depression for 9 years in silence, as I was going for the role of President of the Student Union. She called my Mum and Step-Dad in to talk to them about supporting me at home too.
I was very impressed with how my safeguarding officer handled it, she was in shock but she handled it well.
Next step was to get counselling and medication. This is where my panic attacks got worse, I would experience them daily, 5 times at least a day. I asked my Nan to come with me to my first appointment to tell my doctor about what I had been experiencing. He was helpful at the start but then referred me to the same place who decided I was "too dangerous" for them. I felt like I was being medicated and forgotten.
I then got an emergency appointment with a different doctor, and he was very surprised that I had survived all them months without support. He took me under his wing and I saw him every week, every 2 weeks, every 4 weeks, every 2 months, then signed me off when I was safe enough. I still see him and I'm in contact with him all the time.
He referred me to the local mental heath team and my psychiatrist has really helped me. The last appointment was helpful, so I felt listened to, finally..
Things that didn't work for me: (it may work for you)
CBT
Propanalol
Citalopram
Mirtazapine
Fluorextine
Quetiapine
Things that did work:
Counselling
Medication
Mindfullness
Head Space app (definitely download this!!)
Just because some things didn't work for me, it doesn't mean that it won't work for you, you never know until you tried it.
I was admitted into hospital when I was really struggling with my mental health but then discharged the next day.
It really depends on how safe you are at home and what help is available in the community.
I was first diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder back in 2013, after suffering in silence for 9 years. I didn't realise what made my heart beat fast, my hands go numb and cold and my head fill with negative thoughts.
I went to my safeguarding officer at college, the day after I attempted suicide for the first time ever. I didn't know what to expect, but quickly she noticed that I wasn't right and offered to chat to me after college. I went upstairs to my class and 15 minutes later I was in tears, panicking about speaking to her, which was strange but again I didn't know if she was gonna call the crisis team in and get me sectioned then and there. It was a weird day.
After college, I went back down and spoke to her. She was really surprised that I had suffered with depression for 9 years in silence, as I was going for the role of President of the Student Union. She called my Mum and Step-Dad in to talk to them about supporting me at home too.
I was very impressed with how my safeguarding officer handled it, she was in shock but she handled it well.
Next step was to get counselling and medication. This is where my panic attacks got worse, I would experience them daily, 5 times at least a day. I asked my Nan to come with me to my first appointment to tell my doctor about what I had been experiencing. He was helpful at the start but then referred me to the same place who decided I was "too dangerous" for them. I felt like I was being medicated and forgotten.
I then got an emergency appointment with a different doctor, and he was very surprised that I had survived all them months without support. He took me under his wing and I saw him every week, every 2 weeks, every 4 weeks, every 2 months, then signed me off when I was safe enough. I still see him and I'm in contact with him all the time.
He referred me to the local mental heath team and my psychiatrist has really helped me. The last appointment was helpful, so I felt listened to, finally..
Things that didn't work for me: (it may work for you)
CBT
Propanalol
Citalopram
Mirtazapine
Fluorextine
Quetiapine
Things that did work:
Counselling
Medication
Mindfullness
Head Space app (definitely download this!!)
Just because some things didn't work for me, it doesn't mean that it won't work for you, you never know until you tried it.
Sunday, 10 June 2018
#BPDChat 10/06/2018
If you have been never heard or been part of #BPDChat and would like to be part of a community, please search for us on Twitter and take part every Sunday at 9pm UK time and 4PM EDT US.
I would like to thank everyone who has made me feel welcome in the community.
Tonight's topic was - we're all in this together: Taking good care of yourself and your friends (especially when things seem difficult)
It was about ways to self care, when things get difficult.
How do you self care, what do you do to calm things down??
I colour, listen to music, speak to people in the same situation as me, speak to admins on support groups on Facebook and write right here on my blog.
Other ways of self care is to look after you, it's not selfish, it's needed. If you don't look after you, no one else is going to do it for you.
I learnt that the hard way.
Self care ideas:
Retail therapy.
Eating.
Sleeping.
Showering
Play games
Turning your phone off, even if it's just for an hour.
Challenging your negative thinking - this helps me a lot.
Using the app called Headspace
Rearrange your room, make it look fresh.
Make a self soothe box for times like this
Find a new hobby
Have a Netflix marathon - my choice was the new series of Big Bang Theory.
Colour
Watch uplifting youtubers, I love Zoella, she suffers with mental health too.
Discover what stresses you out
Listen to a podcast.
Declutter
Learn about your diagnosis
Learn the basics of a new language
Tackle 3 important tasks - mine would be: sleep, shower and eat.
Read a magazine or a book
Play an instrument
Take a day off and just look after you.
Jigsaw puzzles
Make a Spotify playlist based on your mood.
Start a journal - which is what this blog essentially is.
I would like to thank everyone who has made me feel welcome in the community.
Tonight's topic was - we're all in this together: Taking good care of yourself and your friends (especially when things seem difficult)
It was about ways to self care, when things get difficult.
How do you self care, what do you do to calm things down??
I colour, listen to music, speak to people in the same situation as me, speak to admins on support groups on Facebook and write right here on my blog.
Other ways of self care is to look after you, it's not selfish, it's needed. If you don't look after you, no one else is going to do it for you.
I learnt that the hard way.
Self care ideas:
Retail therapy.
Eating.
Sleeping.
Showering
Play games
Turning your phone off, even if it's just for an hour.
Challenging your negative thinking - this helps me a lot.
Using the app called Headspace
Rearrange your room, make it look fresh.
Make a self soothe box for times like this
Find a new hobby
Have a Netflix marathon - my choice was the new series of Big Bang Theory.
Colour
Watch uplifting youtubers, I love Zoella, she suffers with mental health too.
Discover what stresses you out
Listen to a podcast.
Declutter
Learn about your diagnosis
Learn the basics of a new language
Tackle 3 important tasks - mine would be: sleep, shower and eat.
Read a magazine or a book
Play an instrument
Take a day off and just look after you.
Jigsaw puzzles
Make a Spotify playlist based on your mood.
Start a journal - which is what this blog essentially is.
Recovery Is Possible Series: 3. OCD
This is my third post in my series.
I have done 2 posts before this so use the links below to navigate to each one..
Anxiety
Depression
I'll be sharing my experiences with the variety of mental health illnesses I suffer with.
Today will be about OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder)
If you want to see my full story then please click here..
I have suffered from OCD since I was 9. I remember being in singing club after school and I heard a voice in my head telling me to spin around on 1 foot an even number of times. They also told me to touch the line in the middle of the road an even number of times too.
I hate being controlled so this has been hell. I still experience OCD and unfortunately it's gotten worse since. I now hear a voice who tells me to do missions, like steal my step-dad's car and take it on a route that the voice tells me.
I will keep you updated on my mental health journey as always.
Much love,
Catherine x
I have done 2 posts before this so use the links below to navigate to each one..
Anxiety
Depression
I'll be sharing my experiences with the variety of mental health illnesses I suffer with.
Today will be about OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder)
If you want to see my full story then please click here..
I have suffered from OCD since I was 9. I remember being in singing club after school and I heard a voice in my head telling me to spin around on 1 foot an even number of times. They also told me to touch the line in the middle of the road an even number of times too.
I hate being controlled so this has been hell. I still experience OCD and unfortunately it's gotten worse since. I now hear a voice who tells me to do missions, like steal my step-dad's car and take it on a route that the voice tells me.
I will keep you updated on my mental health journey as always.
Much love,
Catherine x
Monday, 4 June 2018
Rant
My psychiatrist told me to stop Quetiapine just like that and now that I followed his instructions (as he's the head of my care) I have had a lot of side effects, including weight gain. I can see the weight gain, it's horrible. I'm not showing anyone any hate towards my weight and body image because they just don't understand from mine and Ana's perspective. My boyfriend says the new meds have made me more focus on things, but the truth is, it really hasn't.
The new meds hasn't made me sleepy. It's now nearly 10 past 10 in the evening and I'm yet to take my meds, I normally take it at half past 10. I'm phoning my doctors tomorrow to speak to him on the phone. I'm scared of what he'll say or do when I tell him what has actually gone on, because I really can't cope with the PTSD flashbacks, nightmares, hallucinations, restless syndrome apparently I get at night.
I'm just exhausted.
I missed my appointment today because they do work the next day when I actually need to function.
I'm now getting so restless, annoyed easily and emotional. I just want it to stop!!
The new meds hasn't made me sleepy. It's now nearly 10 past 10 in the evening and I'm yet to take my meds, I normally take it at half past 10. I'm phoning my doctors tomorrow to speak to him on the phone. I'm scared of what he'll say or do when I tell him what has actually gone on, because I really can't cope with the PTSD flashbacks, nightmares, hallucinations, restless syndrome apparently I get at night.
I'm just exhausted.
I missed my appointment today because they do work the next day when I actually need to function.
I'm now getting so restless, annoyed easily and emotional. I just want it to stop!!
Sunday, 3 June 2018
General Update
Tomorrow is my counselling assessment at 10am. I honestly can't wait to get back to therapy. I feel like I've went backwards whilst seeing my psychologist, so this should be a clean slate, back on the road to recovery.
Today I went to work. John (one of the fundraisers that I work with) arrived at my door and shouted my name. I hadn't checked my texts so I didn't know that I was working otherwise I would have been ready. We went to a local car boot and did a tombola and raised a lot of money - don't know how much we raised but it looked like a lot.
We have a number of dates coming up and I can't wait.
Next weekend, we're doing the tombola, and then on Sunday we have a Teddy Bear's Picnic which is just cute!!
I also have a meeting, festival and conference to attend too. So more on that when I get more info.
I will of course update you tomorrow after my appointment, I'm very nervous about it as it won't be my usual counsellor as she's in Kettering not Corby, but hopefully I get more help with my emotions, PTSD and my depression which are definitely the top 3 problems I have.
Thanks for reading,
Much love, Catherine x
Today I went to work. John (one of the fundraisers that I work with) arrived at my door and shouted my name. I hadn't checked my texts so I didn't know that I was working otherwise I would have been ready. We went to a local car boot and did a tombola and raised a lot of money - don't know how much we raised but it looked like a lot.
We have a number of dates coming up and I can't wait.
Next weekend, we're doing the tombola, and then on Sunday we have a Teddy Bear's Picnic which is just cute!!
I also have a meeting, festival and conference to attend too. So more on that when I get more info.
I will of course update you tomorrow after my appointment, I'm very nervous about it as it won't be my usual counsellor as she's in Kettering not Corby, but hopefully I get more help with my emotions, PTSD and my depression which are definitely the top 3 problems I have.
Thanks for reading,
Much love, Catherine x
Recovery Is Possible Series: 2. Depression
This is my second post in my series.
I have done 1 post before this so use the links below to navigate to each one..
Anxiety
I'll be sharing my experiences with the variety of mental health illnesses I suffer with.
Today will be about depression
If you want to see my full story then please click here..
I suffer from depression and it's definitely more than feeling sad. It's persistently feeling down, upset and just lost.
I first experienced depression when I moved school at age 14. I was moved down a year due to my grades and so I was given a second chance at my GCSE's.
Many young people experience stress and depression when at school and Uni.
I'm still getting symptoms of depression even now and it appears out of the blue.
Check out this video by Lindsay Marie, as it shows how it can come and go in a matter of minutes.
Much love,
Catherine x
I have done 1 post before this so use the links below to navigate to each one..
Anxiety
I'll be sharing my experiences with the variety of mental health illnesses I suffer with.
Today will be about depression
If you want to see my full story then please click here..
I suffer from depression and it's definitely more than feeling sad. It's persistently feeling down, upset and just lost.
I first experienced depression when I moved school at age 14. I was moved down a year due to my grades and so I was given a second chance at my GCSE's.
Many young people experience stress and depression when at school and Uni.
I'm still getting symptoms of depression even now and it appears out of the blue.
Check out this video by Lindsay Marie, as it shows how it can come and go in a matter of minutes.
Much love,
Catherine x
Saturday, 2 June 2018
Medication Update: Olanzapine 5mg
It's coming up to two weeks of starting this new medication and nothing has changed apart from emotions have gotten extremely higher and I seem to cry at everything, more than I usually do. It doesn't knock me out, which is why I'm writing this at 1o'clock in the morning.
With my old medication (Quetiapine 50mg at night), I took it at night at about 10:30 and be asleep by 11:30. My new medication doesn't seem to be doing anything, so I'm booking an appointment with my doctor about it and seeing if he can up the dosage to 7.5mg (2.5mg in the morning then the 5mg at night).
My psychologist decided to send me a letter telling me all of the dialog of each appointment. I ended up sending a photo of the letter in to my family group chat and my sister decides to call me out on my hallucinations saying that I'm lying about it. Honestly I would rather lie about it than experience it because it's is so scary.
I will share the dialog in here because I think it'll be useful for other people if they can relate to what it says and what I'm experiencing too.
That's all now, I'm going to be booking an appointment on Monday for Thursday so I can get a review done and hopefully up my dosage to 7.5 as promised by my psychiatrist.
I'm also getting a fridge freezer for my room and saving up for my online childcare course.
I've been banned from working, I phone the job centre saying that I would like to do this course, but they can't help me with any funds, so gonna take 3 months to save up for it, but the fact that they can't help me since they were the ones that signed me off for 2 years now. Review won't be until December/January but I hope they give me one more chance to just get back on the road to recovery then I can go full time with childcare jobs.
Hope you're all okay.
Sending kisses and hugs to you all.
Catherine x
With my old medication (Quetiapine 50mg at night), I took it at night at about 10:30 and be asleep by 11:30. My new medication doesn't seem to be doing anything, so I'm booking an appointment with my doctor about it and seeing if he can up the dosage to 7.5mg (2.5mg in the morning then the 5mg at night).
My psychologist decided to send me a letter telling me all of the dialog of each appointment. I ended up sending a photo of the letter in to my family group chat and my sister decides to call me out on my hallucinations saying that I'm lying about it. Honestly I would rather lie about it than experience it because it's is so scary.
I will share the dialog in here because I think it'll be useful for other people if they can relate to what it says and what I'm experiencing too.
That's all now, I'm going to be booking an appointment on Monday for Thursday so I can get a review done and hopefully up my dosage to 7.5 as promised by my psychiatrist.
I'm also getting a fridge freezer for my room and saving up for my online childcare course.
I've been banned from working, I phone the job centre saying that I would like to do this course, but they can't help me with any funds, so gonna take 3 months to save up for it, but the fact that they can't help me since they were the ones that signed me off for 2 years now. Review won't be until December/January but I hope they give me one more chance to just get back on the road to recovery then I can go full time with childcare jobs.
Hope you're all okay.
Sending kisses and hugs to you all.
Catherine x
Monday, 28 May 2018
Recovery Is Possible Series: 1. Anxiety/GAD
I'm so excited to be doing my first ever series here on my blog.
I'll be sharing my experiences with the variety of mental health illnesses I suffer with.
Today will be about anxiety/generalised anxiety disorder.
If you want to see my full story then please click here..
I'll be sharing my experiences with the variety of mental health illnesses I suffer with.
Today will be about anxiety/generalised anxiety disorder.
If you want to see my full story then please click here..
I was diagnosed with anxiety first, in 2013. I had suffered in silence for 9 years until I had no choice but to speak up after attempting suicide the night before. I suffered badly with panic attacks and the first one I experienced was in London Underground during Christmas shopping rush hour, it was hell.
I didn't know what was happening, I would run through the barriers as quick as I could then burst into tears after each one. I didn't know it was a panic attack until I saw my doctor 9/10 years later. I was 9 at the time. I was put on Propranalol which are beta-blockers. It is used to treat anxiety disorders aswell as angina, heart failure, atrial fibrillation, heart attack and high blood pressure. They help slow down the heart rate. During panic attacks, you tend to hyperventilate which means your heart rate goes really fast and you struggle to catch your breath. It feels like you're having a heart attack and you'll feel like you're going to die, but don't worry, just remember that it's just a panic attack, it's going to be temporary and it's going to pass soon.
Since I was put on Propranalol, I was then put on citalopram, referred to Wellbeing Team multiple times, then I was put on fluoxetine, promethazine and most recently quetiapine and now I take olanzapine.
It's a tough journey, but know you are not alone in this.
We are here to help you.
Sending you all hugs and I hope this has helped you.
Catherine x
Sunday, 27 May 2018
Recovery Is Possible Series: Mental Health Awareness
So I am going to do a series of blog posts relating to the variety of mental health issues I suffer with and will be looking for other people to share their experiences.
I suffer with anxiety, depression, OCD, BPD (EUPD), anorexia and PTSD, so I will be covering these, if you suffer with other mental health illnesses and would like to share your story, please email me via catherinejw@hotmail.com and I will publish your story on here.
First I will start with Generalised Anxiety Disorder and new blog posts will be posted on a Monday at 8pm UK time.
Much love,
Catherine x
I suffer with anxiety, depression, OCD, BPD (EUPD), anorexia and PTSD, so I will be covering these, if you suffer with other mental health illnesses and would like to share your story, please email me via catherinejw@hotmail.com and I will publish your story on here.
First I will start with Generalised Anxiety Disorder and new blog posts will be posted on a Monday at 8pm UK time.
Much love,
Catherine x
Wednesday, 23 May 2018
Asking for help: the truth..
I remember when I asked for help back in 2012. I went to someone I trusted with the information I was about to give her. I didn't go to my GP or any family member, I went to my safeguarding officer in college. You can read more on my story here..
I had attempted suicide the night before and I knew I had to speak up after suffering in silence for 9 years.
I had written notes for my safeguarding officer and also my Personal Development Coach to let them know what had happened the night before.
After telling them, I felt relieved. I didn't know who else to tell other than my Mum and my Step-Dad. My safeguarding officer had called my Mum in to have a word with her, my Step-Dad came in too.
They were so supportive and my Step-Dad was shocked that I didn't speak up sooner.
Sometimes, we have to speak up. I had no option but to speak out about my struggles as I had nearly ended my life the previous night.
Next, I had to tell my Nan who was going to later be my Medical Appointee (the one who will be booking and attending my appointments). I had booked a appointment with my GP 3 months after I initially spoke up. He wasn't very helpful. He prescribed me anxiety medication to calm me down when I experienced panic attacks. He also referred me to "Wellbeing team" who had a waiting list. I started with them in September 2013, but after being assessed and starting therapy with them, I wasn't very open to CBT so I stopped going, which actually made me worse. I was referred to them a further 3 times until I was told I was too dangerous for them. I had been very impulsive with my BPD so I had over-dosed and attempted suicide too many times for them to be able to help me.
I didn't know who to turn to. I was admitted to hospital for the first time ever, it didn't last long though as I was discharged the next day.
I felt like I was at a dead end with medical help and soon began to lose hope. I was on medication that I wasn't trusted with.
It wasn't until I booked an emergency/same day appointment to see another doctor. He really helped me. He could see right though me and knew I was struggling just by looking at me. He offered to take me under his wing and so I was under his care and put on multiple medications, including quetiapine and promethazine, fluroxetine, citalopram, apriprazole. I've only just been changed over from quetiapine to olanzapine which will hopefully help with the symptoms I've been experiencing.
I saw this doctor every week, then every two weeks, then every 4 weeks, every two months, then discharged from his care, I could see him when I wanted not when he wanted to see me. He also cut my medication down from every 4 weeks to every week just to keep my impulsion to overdose at a minimum, as he says "I'm fine 99% of the time, but it's that 1% where I'm so impulsive with my meds and my thoughts that I end up in A+E".
I still see him to this day and is my go-to doctor/medical professional at the moment. I'm also under the local mental health team too, I have a psychiatrist that seems to know what he's doing with my care as he is THE one to ask for permission to be working and driving. I used to do psychology too, but I decided that it wasn't working for me, it doesn't mean it won't work for you, you never know until you try it. CBT wasn't for me either, but I tried it and it's all about trial and error, you never know if it'll work for you until you try it.
I feel like I'm now under the right people in my care, have the right knowledge on who to go to for what. I see my psychiatrist every 6 months, my doctor when I need to and both professionals know my risks and know what to do when I'm in a crisis.
I'm grateful for the care I've recieved within the NHS and so grateful for them being free of charge as I would be in debt the amount of ambulances that have been out and the amount of times I've attended A+E.
Do your research, don't lose heart and carry on living. There is help out there, it's finding what's right for you.
If there's ever a time where you're really struggling with anything, go straight to your local hospital and tell them everything, don't hold back on any info because I did at my therapy sessions and it didn't get me anywhere. Feeling suicidal?? Tell someone, you won't regret it.
Hope you're all doing well.
Much love, Catherine x
I had attempted suicide the night before and I knew I had to speak up after suffering in silence for 9 years.
I had written notes for my safeguarding officer and also my Personal Development Coach to let them know what had happened the night before.
After telling them, I felt relieved. I didn't know who else to tell other than my Mum and my Step-Dad. My safeguarding officer had called my Mum in to have a word with her, my Step-Dad came in too.
They were so supportive and my Step-Dad was shocked that I didn't speak up sooner.
Sometimes, we have to speak up. I had no option but to speak out about my struggles as I had nearly ended my life the previous night.
Next, I had to tell my Nan who was going to later be my Medical Appointee (the one who will be booking and attending my appointments). I had booked a appointment with my GP 3 months after I initially spoke up. He wasn't very helpful. He prescribed me anxiety medication to calm me down when I experienced panic attacks. He also referred me to "Wellbeing team" who had a waiting list. I started with them in September 2013, but after being assessed and starting therapy with them, I wasn't very open to CBT so I stopped going, which actually made me worse. I was referred to them a further 3 times until I was told I was too dangerous for them. I had been very impulsive with my BPD so I had over-dosed and attempted suicide too many times for them to be able to help me.
I didn't know who to turn to. I was admitted to hospital for the first time ever, it didn't last long though as I was discharged the next day.
I felt like I was at a dead end with medical help and soon began to lose hope. I was on medication that I wasn't trusted with.
It wasn't until I booked an emergency/same day appointment to see another doctor. He really helped me. He could see right though me and knew I was struggling just by looking at me. He offered to take me under his wing and so I was under his care and put on multiple medications, including quetiapine and promethazine, fluroxetine, citalopram, apriprazole. I've only just been changed over from quetiapine to olanzapine which will hopefully help with the symptoms I've been experiencing.
I saw this doctor every week, then every two weeks, then every 4 weeks, every two months, then discharged from his care, I could see him when I wanted not when he wanted to see me. He also cut my medication down from every 4 weeks to every week just to keep my impulsion to overdose at a minimum, as he says "I'm fine 99% of the time, but it's that 1% where I'm so impulsive with my meds and my thoughts that I end up in A+E".
I still see him to this day and is my go-to doctor/medical professional at the moment. I'm also under the local mental health team too, I have a psychiatrist that seems to know what he's doing with my care as he is THE one to ask for permission to be working and driving. I used to do psychology too, but I decided that it wasn't working for me, it doesn't mean it won't work for you, you never know until you try it. CBT wasn't for me either, but I tried it and it's all about trial and error, you never know if it'll work for you until you try it.
I feel like I'm now under the right people in my care, have the right knowledge on who to go to for what. I see my psychiatrist every 6 months, my doctor when I need to and both professionals know my risks and know what to do when I'm in a crisis.
I'm grateful for the care I've recieved within the NHS and so grateful for them being free of charge as I would be in debt the amount of ambulances that have been out and the amount of times I've attended A+E.
Do your research, don't lose heart and carry on living. There is help out there, it's finding what's right for you.
If there's ever a time where you're really struggling with anything, go straight to your local hospital and tell them everything, don't hold back on any info because I did at my therapy sessions and it didn't get me anywhere. Feeling suicidal?? Tell someone, you won't regret it.
Hope you're all doing well.
Much love, Catherine x
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