I remember when I asked for help back in 2012. I went to someone I trusted with the information I was about to give her. I didn't go to my GP or any family member, I went to my safeguarding officer in college. You can read more on my story here..
I had attempted suicide the night before and I knew I had to speak up after suffering in silence for 9 years.
I had written notes for my safeguarding officer and also my Personal Development Coach to let them know what had happened the night before.
After telling them, I felt relieved. I didn't know who else to tell other than my Mum and my Step-Dad. My safeguarding officer had called my Mum in to have a word with her, my Step-Dad came in too.
They were so supportive and my Step-Dad was shocked that I didn't speak up sooner.
Sometimes, we have to speak up. I had no option but to speak out about my struggles as I had nearly ended my life the previous night.
Next, I had to tell my Nan who was going to later be my Medical Appointee (the one who will be booking and attending my appointments). I had booked a appointment with my GP 3 months after I initially spoke up. He wasn't very helpful. He prescribed me anxiety medication to calm me down when I experienced panic attacks. He also referred me to "Wellbeing team" who had a waiting list. I started with them in September 2013, but after being assessed and starting therapy with them, I wasn't very open to CBT so I stopped going, which actually made me worse. I was referred to them a further 3 times until I was told I was too dangerous for them. I had been very impulsive with my BPD so I had over-dosed and attempted suicide too many times for them to be able to help me.
I didn't know who to turn to. I was admitted to hospital for the first time ever, it didn't last long though as I was discharged the next day.
I felt like I was at a dead end with medical help and soon began to lose hope. I was on medication that I wasn't trusted with.
It wasn't until I booked an emergency/same day appointment to see another doctor. He really helped me. He could see right though me and knew I was struggling just by looking at me. He offered to take me under his wing and so I was under his care and put on multiple medications, including quetiapine and promethazine, fluroxetine, citalopram, apriprazole. I've only just been changed over from quetiapine to olanzapine which will hopefully help with the symptoms I've been experiencing.
I saw this doctor every week, then every two weeks, then every 4 weeks, every two months, then discharged from his care, I could see him when I wanted not when he wanted to see me. He also cut my medication down from every 4 weeks to every week just to keep my impulsion to overdose at a minimum, as he says "I'm fine 99% of the time, but it's that 1% where I'm so impulsive with my meds and my thoughts that I end up in A+E".
I still see him to this day and is my go-to doctor/medical professional at the moment. I'm also under the local mental health team too, I have a psychiatrist that seems to know what he's doing with my care as he is THE one to ask for permission to be working and driving. I used to do psychology too, but I decided that it wasn't working for me, it doesn't mean it won't work for you, you never know until you try it. CBT wasn't for me either, but I tried it and it's all about trial and error, you never know if it'll work for you until you try it.
I feel like I'm now under the right people in my care, have the right knowledge on who to go to for what. I see my psychiatrist every 6 months, my doctor when I need to and both professionals know my risks and know what to do when I'm in a crisis.
I'm grateful for the care I've recieved within the NHS and so grateful for them being free of charge as I would be in debt the amount of ambulances that have been out and the amount of times I've attended A+E.
Do your research, don't lose heart and carry on living. There is help out there, it's finding what's right for you.
If there's ever a time where you're really struggling with anything, go straight to your local hospital and tell them everything, don't hold back on any info because I did at my therapy sessions and it didn't get me anywhere. Feeling suicidal?? Tell someone, you won't regret it.
Hope you're all doing well.
Much love, Catherine x
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