This time last year I posted a photo of a takeaway meal I got from the local kebab shop. It was cheesy chips and I posted it with the caption 'beating anorexia one bite at a time'. Many people didn't believe that I was suffering with anorexia. I didn't look anorexic, I was weight restored at the time. I was a normal weight for my height and age.
Rewind to when I was born, I was born premature, throughout my childhood, I had a healthy appetite, I was undeveloped and was teased at secondary school for having no boobs or cleavage, it was horrible. I was a healthy weight - around 7 stone. I loved food.
It wasn't until I went to live with my Dad back in 2009 that I noticed my weight and how much I was eating. I would weigh myself daily and make sure it was an even number, if it wasn't I'd punish myself by sleeping in on weekends (although I was working most weekends) and skipping breakfast a lot. I was a size 7-8 years when I was 15.
I remember one night, I was looking in the mirror and it sounded like someone was next to me saying I was fat, worthless. Now I'd been suffering with hearing voices in my head but this one was different, this one sounded like it was behind me or next to me and sometimes afterschool I was alone in the house until my step-mum returned home from work so it was definitely a voice, but it wasn't in my head - does that make sense??
Since then, I've relapsed so many times, too many times to count. I've felt like I was fat most of my life, it's a horrible illness to live with on top of what I already suffer with - anxiety, depression, OCD, EUPD (BPD), and PTSD. It's like having a devil follow you about telling you you're not good enough, judging what you buy from shops, it's full on.
I'm still struggling with it today. Last night I had a bad night with it, it hurt to cry so much, my stomach turned everytime I cried, I was a mess. I don't know my exact weight, but I know I'm still overweight which bothers me so much.
This blog post will be updated a lot in the next few weeks as I've relapsed in the past. For anyone who wants to follow my journey with anorexia, I'll make a new Instagram.
If you're suffering with any mental health issues and would like support, I'm an admin for a support group on Facebook called Mental Health Matters Speak Out, join and answer the questions and you can be part of the group. We support eachother every day and you're more than welcome to become a member.
Catherine x
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