I wake up in a bad place, the realisation kicks in that I have to get through another day without "attention-seeking" or showing any emotion or pain, which at the moment is proving more difficult that normal.
I check my phone, my laptop, I'm scrolling through the messages from my work from home business, replying to each one of them trying to look like I have it together, but the truth is, I can't see what i'm writing through the tears that fill my eyes.
Oh is that a message from Mum, "pick you up at 1045" okay so what time is it now, 10:30 right okay, so I can have 10 more minutes in bed, my safe place.
10:40am; time to get up...
10:45am; my alarm goes off to remind me that Mum's picking me up later, I jump out of bed and throw on the clothes that I wore the day before. Grab my bag, check that my keys are in there, oh and check my appearance, I've been crying so I better wipe my face dry of all emotion.
10:50am I'm out the door and feeling a little strange.
I can hear Mum's car coming down the road, I cross over to get in.
My niece is in the car, I love her!! She always puts a smile on my face.
I get to the appointment with 5 minutes to spare. I hate waiting. At least I can show emotion if I really have to here. I keep it together, I'm waiting and waiting, tapping my feet for the crisis team to attend. They finally come and I'm finally okay to just let it out.
Appointment over and I'm back home, I lock my door and cry cry cry!!
I've cried more than ever!! I always even listen to music that will make me cry or think of something that'll make me cry because it's neccessary to cry and let the pain out.
I'm in my room unless I need the toilet, I'm then in my room until the next morning.
So from staying strong all day to locking my door and completely breaking down, I've definitely got the best of both worlds.
That's the switch!
Thursday, 1 December 2016
Saturday, 20 August 2016
I'm not getting any better
This week has been a disaster.
A few weeks back, I got a letter from the Job Centre (which I am not proud of) about an appointment they booked for me to attend a Disability Assessment. Originally I didn't want to go because if they did decide not to let me work, my world will be crashing down around me.
I ended up attending it and then played the waiting game.
A few weeks later I get a letter confirming that I can't work for 12 months. Not the result I wanted. I wanted at least a few limited hours, but nope, I can't even apply for jobs for the next year. So I'm completely distraught about it all.
I also booked an appointment with my doctor regarding going back to driving after being banned for 3 months due to relapse. The ban officially ended 31st July but my Step-Dad who is a qualified driving instructor wasn't due back from being away on holiday until today so there was no point in seeing my doctor a few weeks before so I booked it for 19th August.
I was doing so well. I didn't have many panic attacks, I was confident, I was volunteering for British Heart Foundation. I started my own business. It was going so well. Until 13th August, something happened, I just blew up. I woke up so irritated. With 6 days to go, it had to happen, it just had to throw my chances out the window. I wanted to cancel the appointment but I didn't. I wanted to at least talk about it all to my doctor.
3 days later, another panic attack struck. It was worse and I literally thought the worst. Again, I thought about cancelling the appointment, but again, I kept hold of it incase he did say yes.
Friday 19th August, the dreaded day arrives. I book a taxi to make it easier and stress-free for myself. I get there with 10 minutes to spare. I hate being early and having to wait. I sat right infront of his door, staring at it waiting. Irritation starts building up and I literally couldn't sit still, so I stood up and walked around. I was finally called through and it was now or never.
I asked about driving, and he asked how I was doing. I said alright, up until Saturday so I explained that to him and he couldn't say yes but said that I could get a second opinion. Doubt that will lead me to a yes. So I'm banned for driving again, for goodness knows how long.
I just feel like a failure. :(
A few weeks back, I got a letter from the Job Centre (which I am not proud of) about an appointment they booked for me to attend a Disability Assessment. Originally I didn't want to go because if they did decide not to let me work, my world will be crashing down around me.
I ended up attending it and then played the waiting game.
A few weeks later I get a letter confirming that I can't work for 12 months. Not the result I wanted. I wanted at least a few limited hours, but nope, I can't even apply for jobs for the next year. So I'm completely distraught about it all.
I also booked an appointment with my doctor regarding going back to driving after being banned for 3 months due to relapse. The ban officially ended 31st July but my Step-Dad who is a qualified driving instructor wasn't due back from being away on holiday until today so there was no point in seeing my doctor a few weeks before so I booked it for 19th August.
I was doing so well. I didn't have many panic attacks, I was confident, I was volunteering for British Heart Foundation. I started my own business. It was going so well. Until 13th August, something happened, I just blew up. I woke up so irritated. With 6 days to go, it had to happen, it just had to throw my chances out the window. I wanted to cancel the appointment but I didn't. I wanted to at least talk about it all to my doctor.
3 days later, another panic attack struck. It was worse and I literally thought the worst. Again, I thought about cancelling the appointment, but again, I kept hold of it incase he did say yes.
Friday 19th August, the dreaded day arrives. I book a taxi to make it easier and stress-free for myself. I get there with 10 minutes to spare. I hate being early and having to wait. I sat right infront of his door, staring at it waiting. Irritation starts building up and I literally couldn't sit still, so I stood up and walked around. I was finally called through and it was now or never.
I asked about driving, and he asked how I was doing. I said alright, up until Saturday so I explained that to him and he couldn't say yes but said that I could get a second opinion. Doubt that will lead me to a yes. So I'm banned for driving again, for goodness knows how long.
I just feel like a failure. :(
Tuesday, 26 July 2016
❤ 30 Day Mental Health Challenge; Day 26 ❤
❤ Day 26 ❤
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Have you had any side effects from your medication?
The medication I'm on yes, but now that the doctor has changed when I take them, it's not as bad as before as both the tablets I took at night clashed so the doctor has changed one for me to take during the day instead.
The medication I'm on yes, but now that the doctor has changed when I take them, it's not as bad as before as both the tablets I took at night clashed so the doctor has changed one for me to take during the day instead.
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⬇Social Media⬇
Monday, 25 July 2016
❤ 30 Day Mental Health Challenge; Day 25 ❤
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What is your biggest regret regarding your mental health?
Opening up about my struggles 9 years too late is definitely my biggest regret ever! I should have spoken up a lot sooner because at 18 I had no choice but to speak up because I nearly went too far!!
Opening up about my struggles 9 years too late is definitely my biggest regret ever! I should have spoken up a lot sooner because at 18 I had no choice but to speak up because I nearly went too far!!
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Sunday, 24 July 2016
❤ 30 Day Mental Health Challenge; Day 24 ❤
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What has helped you so far?
Talking therapy. I started this type of therapy in college when I finally spoke up (you can read more about this here)
Talking therapy. I started this type of therapy in college when I finally spoke up (you can read more about this here)
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Saturday, 23 July 2016
Friday, 22 July 2016
❤ 30 Day Mental Health Challenge; Day 22 ❤
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What short-term goals do you have?
In the next few months (by Christmas) I want to get back driving with Round N About Driving School and pass my test. I'm banned from driving at the moment until my doctor can confirm I am safe to get behind the wheel again.
Work in a school. I'd love to work with children.
In the next few months (by Christmas) I want to get back driving with Round N About Driving School and pass my test. I'm banned from driving at the moment until my doctor can confirm I am safe to get behind the wheel again.
Work in a school. I'd love to work with children.
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⬇Social Media⬇
Thursday, 21 July 2016
❤ 30 Day Mental Health Challenge; Day 21 ❤
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What would you say to someone who has been newly diagnosed?
Research, research and research everything you can about your diagnosis. Read real stories from real people who are diagnosed with the same illness(es) as you and just keep reading. When I was diagnosed with panic attacks and anxiety, I just typed into YouTube and that's how I became a subscriber of Zoella, this video was the first one I watched of hers and I've loved her ever since.
Just research as much as you can. If you feel you can't get the information online, don't be afraid to ask your doctor, no question is silly enough to not ask. Ask away, even if you're embarrassed, there's not a question they haven't heard in their career.
Research, research and research everything you can about your diagnosis. Read real stories from real people who are diagnosed with the same illness(es) as you and just keep reading. When I was diagnosed with panic attacks and anxiety, I just typed into YouTube and that's how I became a subscriber of Zoella, this video was the first one I watched of hers and I've loved her ever since.
Just research as much as you can. If you feel you can't get the information online, don't be afraid to ask your doctor, no question is silly enough to not ask. Ask away, even if you're embarrassed, there's not a question they haven't heard in their career.
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⬇Social Media⬇
Wednesday, 20 July 2016
❤ 30 Day Mental Health Challenge; Day 20 ❤
❤ Day 20 ❤
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In what way do you think your illness(es) have changed you?
It's definitely made me more protective of my family and my own feelings. I'm much weaker than usual because of my EUPD. With my anxiety, it's definitely made me more paranoid about anything and everything, little or big.
It's definitely made me more protective of my family and my own feelings. I'm much weaker than usual because of my EUPD. With my anxiety, it's definitely made me more paranoid about anything and everything, little or big.
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Tuesday, 19 July 2016
❤ 30 Day Mental Health Challenge; Day 19 ❤
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In what way do you think your illness(es) have changed you?
It's definitely made me more protective of my family and myself for that matter. I'm alot weaker than I normally am, I cry at anything and everything at the moment, I'm still waiting for my medication to kick in fully and start working.
It's definitely made me more protective of my family and myself for that matter. I'm alot weaker than I normally am, I cry at anything and everything at the moment, I'm still waiting for my medication to kick in fully and start working.
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Monday, 18 July 2016
❤ 30 Day Mental Health Challenge; Day 18 ❤
❤ Day 18 ❤
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What is your best coping skill?
With my anxiety it's the grounding technique which helps when having an anxiety or panic attack.
When you feel like a panic attack or anxiety attack is coming on, answer these questions;
5 things you can see
4 things you can touch
3 things you can hear
2 things you can smell
1 thing you can taste
Note these down and keep them in your purse for on-the-go relief.
With my EUPD, it's more emotional therapy. Cry it out basically. I put a song on which will make me cry and just cry it out and see how long it takes for me to get it all out, the next time I do it, I try and beat my previous time. It really helps.
With my anxiety it's the grounding technique which helps when having an anxiety or panic attack.
When you feel like a panic attack or anxiety attack is coming on, answer these questions;
5 things you can see
4 things you can touch
3 things you can hear
2 things you can smell
1 thing you can taste
Note these down and keep them in your purse for on-the-go relief.
With my EUPD, it's more emotional therapy. Cry it out basically. I put a song on which will make me cry and just cry it out and see how long it takes for me to get it all out, the next time I do it, I try and beat my previous time. It really helps.
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⬇Social Media⬇
Sunday, 17 July 2016
❤ 30 Day Mental Health Challenge; Day 17 ❤
❤ Day 17 ❤
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What is the most ridiculous thing someone has said to you about your mental illness?
A few people don't believe me and sometimes I'm just pushed to the side when I mention aspects of my mental health, so I just say I have a headache, or been sick when in fact I either want to give up or just feel depressed. It's so much easier than explaining.
A few people don't believe me and sometimes I'm just pushed to the side when I mention aspects of my mental health, so I just say I have a headache, or been sick when in fact I either want to give up or just feel depressed. It's so much easier than explaining.
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Saturday, 16 July 2016
❤ 30 Day Mental Health Challenge; Day 16 ❤
❤ Day 16 ❤
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List 10 reasons why recovery is worth it.
1. There is light at the end of the tunnel.
2. Because you are worth the recovery!
3. You can then get on with your life.
4. Freedom
5. Free of fear
6. Better health
7. Happier
8. Time with your family
9. Because recovery is possible.
10. Why not?
1. There is light at the end of the tunnel.
2. Because you are worth the recovery!
3. You can then get on with your life.
4. Freedom
5. Free of fear
6. Better health
7. Happier
8. Time with your family
9. Because recovery is possible.
10. Why not?
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