The Switch

I wake up in a bad place, the realisation kicks in that I have to get through another day without "attention-seeking" or showing any emotion or pain, which at the moment is proving more difficult that normal. 
I check my phone, my laptop, I'm scrolling through the messages from my work from home business, replying to each one of them trying to look like I have it together, but the truth is, I can't see what i'm writing through the tears that fill my eyes.
Oh is that a message from Mum, "pick you up at 1045" okay so what time is it now, 10:30 right okay, so I can have 10 more minutes in bed, my safe place. 
10:40am; time to get up...
10:45am; my alarm goes off to remind me that Mum's picking me up later, I jump out of bed and throw on the clothes that I wore the day before. Grab my bag, check that my keys are in there, oh and check my appearance, I've been crying so I better wipe my face dry of all emotion.
10:50am I'm out the door and feeling a little strange.
I can hear Mum's car coming down the road, I cross over to get in.
My niece is in the car, I love her!! She always puts a smile on my face.

I get to the appointment with 5 minutes to spare. I hate waiting. At least I can show emotion if I really have to here. I keep it together, I'm waiting and waiting, tapping my feet for the crisis team to attend. They finally come and I'm finally okay to just let it out. 

Appointment over and I'm back home, I lock my door and cry cry cry!!

I've cried more than ever!! I always even listen to music that will make me cry or think of something that'll make me cry because it's neccessary to cry and let the pain out.

I'm in my room unless I need the toilet, I'm then in my room until the next morning.

So from staying strong all day to locking my door and completely breaking down, I've definitely got the best of both worlds. 

That's the switch!