Before you read on... if you're triggered by suicide, self-harm or overdosing, please be aware that this blog post mentions these in detail. Read on at your own risk.
The last week has been very emotional, negative and just crap.
I had bottled everything up, for 2 weeks and it all came out in one big burst of emotions and actions. It was hard because when I spoke to my family about my problems, I always felt like a burden to them so I kept quiet, until Wednesday, that's when I felt the world crashing down on me.
I had felt so low and just felt like giving up. I rummaged through my drawers for something sharp... found scissors, an odd screw... no, then I found a curvy grip (bobby pin). I had used these before so I knew how to make it sharp. I bit off the blunt bits on the end and started scratching them against my arm, a few seconds later, I was bleeding. It hurt like hell, but it reminded me that I was still alive.
I wanted to go deeper and try and hit a vein, I broke down into tears. I felt so ashamed of myself by doing this, now I'm going to have a massive cut on my arm that I need to try and cover everyday.
I thought of overdosing, as this was a way of relieving some pain and also no one would notice. Then I thought of something better, that would kill me instantly.
I went to the window upstairs, over the porch, and wanted to jump.
I felt this overwhelming rush of emotions and heard my nieces and nephews shout 'no, jayjay' (what they call me). I felt so selfish so I got back up into my window and broke down in tears.
I knew I had to speak up about it, because if it wasn't for my conscious mind, I would be dead.
I cried myself to sleep, woke up the next morning and phoned the doctors to book an emergency appointment with my doctor. I had an appointment at 10:10am that morning, I felt so relieved to be able to see my own doctor 2 hours later.
I phoned about and asked my family who could take me over. They asked why, I lied. I said it was a medication review as it was making me sick, lies.
I got there with plenty of time to spare. My hands were sweaty as I signed in on the screen. I sat down on the chair right in front of his door. I felt like I was about to be sick. He came out and called other people through, I was definitely about to be sick. I held it in and when my phone hit 10:10am, I was shaking uncontrollably. He came out and said 'i'll be with you in a minute okay' I pretended I was okay and just smiled back. 10/20minutes went by and suddenly I thought that he was talking to my actual GP about why I was calling and arranging a section 136 to come and get me. He wasn't. Well, he might have but there was no police anywhere so I felt relieved. He came back down with his coffee or tea and called me in. I sat down, he asked me why now, why straight away? I burst into tears and he knew something wasn't right. I told him what I wanted to do last night, I showed him the cut (now scabbed over) and he was straight on the phone. The words "i'd like to refer a patient for hospital admission" went straight through me, I was definitely going to be sick. I burst into tears again, I was about to be sectioned. He typed up a few things and ended the conversation on the phone, I followed him out and he told the receptionist that I need to be kept an eye on as I was feeling actively suicidal. 4 hours later, I was finally called through to be assessed. After about 10 minutes, he was on the phone to arrange a visit from a doctor from the crisis team. An appointment was booked and a taxi was arranged to pick me up. There wasn't any mention of a hospital admission or anything, even after my doctor saying that he would be surprised if I wasn't admitted today. I felt like I was getting somewhere, but then the crisis team mucked it up, as always.
I felt so upset I wanted to walk out and nearly did. I waited back in line to see if my doctor was available to see me again straight away, he wasn't. I saw another doctor who told me to wait in the waiting room for the phone call from crisis team. I felt like I had been failed. My own doctor had done all that he could to get me help and I'm back to square one. I was expected to ring this number and that number, use these techniques. Well, i'd used that number but most of the time it was engaged. I had used these techniques since I was 9 and its not getting any easier. So... thanks but no thanks.
I finally gave up waiting and left the doctors, without any one knowing. I waited outside and phoned my Nan and basically told her that nothing is being done and I'm expected to just carry on.
She said she was gonna pick me up and bring me to Granddad's as he had a meal for me (I haven't been eating). I went over there, sat down with my Nan and again, burst into tears knowing that they thought I had my meds reviewed. Through tears, I told them the truth.
The questions started pouring out and I just felt like I was a burden to them, I felt like running away and very nearly did.
I heard my Granddad's friend come through the front door, I went back to my normal self and pretended everything was fine, wiped away my tears and put on that old fake smile I knew all too well. Then my Nan became very worried at the way I had just switched back to pretending.
I sat down and had my meal, with tears rolling down my face. No one heard me or seen me though and that's how its always been.
I sat back down in the conservatory, listening to "the good old days" and fought back the tears. She then left and I was back to finding answers to these questions.
I remember sitting there, with my head in my hands and just wanting the questions, voices, pain to just leave me alone. Or leave in general.
My Nan's partner suggested I went to stay with them for that night. I had objections because of my cut, but I knew I could open up to my Nan, so I pulled her aside and showed her.
The next day, I woke up with chest pains. I phoned 111 NHS Direct and they sent an ambulance car out. 3 hours later, I was seen and sent home.
Had breakfast and the taxi had arrived to pick me up. 20 minutes later, I was speaking to a doctor who had prescribed me some other tablets that are stronger than the ones I was on.
About an hour later, I finally felt like I was getting somewhere.
I went back to my Nan's house and had lunch. My Granddad and his friend then came over to bring me some food for that night.
I then went home.
My room was an absolute tip, but while I was taking to the doctor, my Nan had gone over to tidy it all up.
The next day I expected to see the psychiatrist again, but instead it was someone from the crisis team. I felt like I was back at square one yet again, trying to prove everything again.
I have an appointment tomorrow to see the same lady and I don't want to go. My Nan is coming with me whether they like it or not, and she's gonna have an opportunity to say how she feels.
I'm still feeling suicidal, I just want to give up. No one is helping me and I feel like every time I ask for help, it's just a 1hr consultation with a counsellor and sent home in a taxi expected to just carry on.
Well not anymore. If I feel like I'm not getting anywhere, I'm walking out. Simple.
Miss Catherine x
No comments:
Post a Comment