This morning, I couldn't breathe, I woke up gasping for air that I don't think was even there. My eyes wouldn't open properly, I was so tired... then I asked myself why I was tired? I don't work, I don't have children to look after...
Then I remembered what someone said to me yesterday... "why don't you help? It's not like you work or anything..?" It made me think that I wasn't worthy of being tired or worthy of anything... that I was just there to exist, no, not even that.
I am signed off work (not that I have a job or anything), banned from driving for 3 months and I'm supposed to be okay with it. I've come off my medication because I don't want to be using pills to feel normal. I've got two and a half months left before I am legal to drive again, I need to be stable. Not only that I need to be stable for as long as possible so my family aren't on my back constantly.
I feel suffocated and alone all at the same time, if I ask to be with someone for 5mins and the answer is no, that's me back in my cave for the rest of the day until I want to check to see if the "no" still stands and if not, then I repeat the process.
Wednesdays are my big anxious days, but I take this opportunity to look after myself, I use weekends too, but on Wednesdays I know I can't be with family because they just judge me, the way I look, dress, smell (when I haven't bathed in days). I hate making excuses as to why I smell bad, or why I can't leave my bed and yes it is my illness but I'm embarrassed to say this so I have to just go "yeah okay, i'll fix it" but it never gets fixed.
I feel like a burden, who just exists to make everyone else's life a living hell. Which is what a lot of family members say about their loved ones who suffer with mental illnesses.
I was told today that "my mum had the kids to look after, all your problems..." and I just felt so bad for her and in fact the whole family. Suicidal thoughts were going through my head, I was thinking if I could get a taxi to the underpass near school, then i'd quite happily jump off it, or maybe get a bunch of paracetamol and take the whole lot... lots of things were going round my head. Until my nephew walked in and asked what was wrong (a five year old child noticed along with my 2 year old niece noticed and no one else) as I was crying.
I thought right, let's go for a walk to the shops and we did, it really took my mind of everything and I bought everyone a treat just for being awesome!!
These are kind of spur of the moment kind of posts so look out for my next blog post using my twitter (@cjoanward_
Miss Catherine x
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