Finding what works for you..

There will be trigger warnings present so if you're easily triggered then please do not read. There will be a happier post coming on Wednesday at 8pm UK time.
When we think of recovery we think of a graph with the line being drawn from the bottom all the way to the top across the graph.
My experience doesn't even come near that.

Whether you've got depression, anxiety or anorexia, finding the right people to help you is needed as much as food and water is needed.

My experience with getting help started great, I spoke to my safeguarding officer about suffering in silence for 9 years - you can find out more about my story here.

I went to someone who 1. had known me for a good year or so and 2. someone I trusted with what I was telling her. It's her job to look out for people who may be struggling.

Safe to say she was shocked.

I then went to see my doctor, who was helpful at first then decided that one place was definitely going to help, which really didn't, they decided to say I was too "dangerous" for them to take on and so I was back at square one. 

I was then in a crisis and had the crisis team come out after being impulsive with my medication and the two times I had overdosed, they landed me in hospital as a voluntary admission, I begged the first time and it was suggested the second time as I had overdosed 2 times that night. The admissions didn't last long, 26 hours each, but it helped in some way. I know how to access the help when I need it and I know who to turn to and who will actually help me.

I was definitely an impulsive patient and ended up going to A&E a lot by ambulance. 

As my doctor explains - I'm okay 99% of the time, that 1% left over I'm so impulsive and don't think about the consequences.

The first person I went to as I said was Kirstie, my safeguarding officer in college. 

Next I went to see my doctor (family GP) who wasn't very helpful. It was until I was really in a crisis, I met my current doctor who is so understanding and knows me like the back of his hand, he took me under his wing and I've seen him ever since. He started by seeing me every week, then every 2 weeks, every month, every 2 months then said I was safe enough to be seeing him under my terms. 

Finding help can be hard for many people just starting to speak out, me, I didn't know who to go to, I just wanted to tell someone before it got worse.

I remember the night before I spoke up, I was having a panic attack and suicidal thoughts were racing around my head, my voices saying "you're better off dead, look at you, you're short and just a waste" It was hell to say the least. I remember writing out the notes I gave to Kirstie, my safeguarding officer and Sian, my personal development coach the next morning. 

Find what works for you, somethings are going to and somethings are not going to help you, but it takes time to find what is right. 

Catherine x

Recovery Is Possible Series: 5. Anorexia

This is my forth post in my series. 
I have done 3 posts before this so use the links below to navigate to each one..
Anxiety
Depression 
OCD
BPD (EUPD)

I'll be sharing my experiences with the variety of mental health illnesses I suffer with.
Today will be about anorexia 

If you want to see my full story then please click here..

When I was diagnosed with anorexia, I wasn't 'skinny' or 'thin', I was weight restored, the perfect weight for my height. Ever since I was a little girl I would be told I had a belly on me, so I would try and hide food in my room at age 14 when I was living with my Dad. If you ever seen me, you wouldn't have noticed, I was very small at just 4ft 9inch, I was tiny, I would be crowded round in the classroom and outside in the playground. It was horrible. 
I held a secret and that was I would drink so much water which would fill me up. 
It worked a short while until I rebelled against Ana, the girl in my head telling what and when to eat, it's horrible. I'm still battling her even today. 

It's a tough journey, but know you are not alone in this.

We are here to help you. 

Much love, 
Catherine x

Why it's important to share your mental health story whether you're in recovery or not

At the grand age of 23. I have shared my story so many times with so many people who are going down the same path to recovery as I am, although there are so many different stories to tell and here's why I shared mine so early on in my recovery.

It's so important to show others that it isn't shameful to be suffering with mental health illnesses. It's not shameful for you to be put on medication to help you cope. People with cancer may have to have chemo or radiotherapy to help them recover, those with diabetes have to take insulin to balance the sugar levels in their body. That's exactly what we're doing, taking medication to help us recover and to balance out the serotonin in our brains. 
I love sharing my story with others, it's helped so many people speak out about their own struggles.
I suffered in silence for 9 years from age 9 til 18. I didn't have a choice but to speak up. It was a long hard road to travel down on your own. It's difficult. It was absolute hell!! It brought out the teenage rebel in me and now that that is under control, I feel so bad about how I was. If you want to speak out, please do, it's the best thing I have ever done and I have done some amazing things in the past. Yes of course I had bad experiences with some people, but it's about them understanding what's going on. Yes, some people are going to run away and be scared and again it's about them understanding, without understanding, it's ignorance. Just because you can't see it, doesn't mean it's not there. Like cancer and diabetes, you can't see that either, yet the stigma for mental health is much larger than stigma against cancer and diabetes. 
It's so important to share that you have mental health issues, yes it's closed so many doors but opened so many more for me. If it wasn't for my mental health, I wouldn't be off work right now and that's a blessing in disguise because it gives me time to get qualifications for me to pursue my dream job in childcare. 

Share your diagnosis' below and let's get rid of the stigma!! Speak loud and speak proud!!

Hope you're all enjoying the beautiful weather, 

Catherine x

Self Harm Milestone

Many of us who use Facebook know that it shows memories called On This Day, showing us what we posted 1year - how long you've had Facebook on that specific day. 
I looked on my memories today and 1 year ago today, I was 80 days self harm free so that makes it 1 year and 80 days self harm free.
To share this makes me feel emotional and above all strong to be able to go that long without self-harming. 

To see alternatives to self harm and ways to self care - check out this blog post

Recovery Is Possible Series: 4. BPD (EUPD)

This is my forth post in my series. 
I have done 3 posts before this so use the links below to navigate to each one..
Anxiety
Depression 
OCD

I'll be sharing my experiences with the variety of mental health illnesses I suffer with.
Today will be about BPD (EUPD)  

If you want to see my full story then please click here..

I was diagnosed with EUPD shortly after my admission to a local psych ward. 
I feel like I experienced EUPD symptoms since I was 9 the same as the OCD symptoms. 
Some days I feel like I can conquer the world, and other days, I can barely leave my bed or shower. It's definitely one of my top mental illness that I don't like suffering with. It's hell. Your emotions are always high, some days are better than others though. 
My thoughts race, emotions run down my cheeks and I barely have a good day where it leaves me alone. 

It's a tough journey, but know you are not alone in this.

Much love,
Catherine x

Falling through the Mental Health System: My experience with asking for help

Before I get into the post, I would like to tell you positive experiences with mental health professionals.
I was admitted into hospital when I was really struggling with my mental health but then discharged the next day.
It really depends on how safe you are at home and what help is available in the community.

I was first diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder back in 2013, after suffering in silence for 9 years. I didn't realise what made my heart beat fast, my hands go numb and cold and my head fill with negative thoughts.
I went to my safeguarding officer at college, the day after I attempted suicide for the first time ever. I didn't know what to expect, but quickly she noticed that I wasn't right and offered to chat to me after college. I went upstairs to my class and 15 minutes later I was in tears, panicking about speaking to her, which was strange but again I didn't know if she was gonna call the crisis team in and get me sectioned then and there. It was a weird day.
After college, I went back down and spoke to her. She was really surprised that I had suffered with depression for 9 years in silence, as I was going for the role of President of the Student Union. She called my Mum and Step-Dad in to talk to them about supporting me at home too. 
I was very impressed with how my safeguarding officer handled it, she was in shock but she handled it well.
Next step was to get counselling and medication. This is where my panic attacks got worse, I would experience them daily, 5 times at least a day. I asked my Nan to come with me to my first appointment to tell my doctor about what I had been experiencing. He was helpful at the start but then referred me to the same place who decided I was "too dangerous" for them. I felt like I was being medicated and forgotten.
I then got an emergency appointment with a different doctor, and he was very surprised that I had survived all them months without support. He took me under his wing and I saw him every week, every 2 weeks, every 4 weeks, every 2 months, then signed me off when I was safe enough. I still see him and I'm in contact with him all the time.
He referred me to the local mental heath team and my psychiatrist has really helped me. The last appointment was helpful, so I felt listened to, finally..

Things that didn't work for me: (it may work for you)

CBT 
Propanalol
Citalopram
Mirtazapine
Fluorextine 
Quetiapine

Things that did work:
Counselling
Medication
Mindfullness 
Head Space app (definitely download this!!)








Just because some things didn't work for me, it doesn't mean that it won't work for you, you never know until you tried it. 

#BPDChat 10/06/2018

If you have been never heard or been part of #BPDChat and would like to be part of a community, please search for us on Twitter and take part every Sunday at 9pm UK time and 4PM EDT US.
I would like to thank everyone who has made me feel welcome in the community.

Tonight's topic was - we're all in this together: Taking good care of yourself and your friends (especially when things seem difficult)

It was about ways to self care, when things get difficult.
How do you self care, what do you do to calm things down??

I colour, listen to music, speak to people in the same situation as me, speak to admins on support groups on Facebook and write right here on my blog.

Other ways of self care is to look after you, it's not selfish, it's needed. If you don't look after you, no one else is going to do it for you.
I learnt that the hard way. 

Self care ideas:

Retail therapy. 
Eating.
Sleeping.
Showering
Play games
Turning your phone off, even if it's just for an hour. 
Challenging your negative thinking - this helps me a lot. 
Using the app called Headspace
Rearrange your room, make it look fresh.
Make a self soothe box for times like this
Find a new hobby
Have a Netflix marathon - my choice was the new series of Big Bang Theory. 
Colour
Watch uplifting youtubers, I love Zoella, she suffers with mental health too. 
Discover what stresses you out
Listen to a podcast.
Declutter
Learn about your diagnosis
Learn the basics of a new language
Tackle 3 important tasks - mine would be: sleep, shower and eat.
Read a magazine or a book
Play an instrument 
Take a day off and just look after you. 
Jigsaw puzzles
Make a Spotify playlist based on your mood.
Start a journal - which is what this blog essentially is. 

Recovery Is Possible Series: 3. OCD

This is my third post in my series. 
I have done 2 posts before this so use the links below to navigate to each one..
Anxiety
Depression 

I'll be sharing my experiences with the variety of mental health illnesses I suffer with.
Today will be about OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder)  

If you want to see my full story then please click here..

I have suffered from OCD since I was 9. I remember being in singing club after school and I heard a voice in my head telling me to spin around on 1 foot an even number of times. They also told me to touch the line in the middle of the road an even number of times too.
I hate being controlled so this has been hell. I still experience OCD and unfortunately it's gotten worse since. I now hear a voice who tells me to do missions, like steal my step-dad's car and take it on a route that the voice tells me.

I will keep you updated on my mental health journey as always. 





Much love, 
Catherine x

Rant

My psychiatrist told me to stop Quetiapine just like that and now that I followed his instructions (as he's the head of my care) I have had a lot of side effects, including weight gain. I can see the weight gain, it's horrible. I'm not showing anyone any hate towards my weight and body image because they just don't understand from mine and Ana's perspective. My boyfriend says the new meds have made me more focus on things, but the truth is, it really hasn't.
The new meds hasn't made me sleepy. It's now nearly 10 past 10 in the evening and I'm yet to take my meds, I normally take it at half past 10. I'm phoning my doctors tomorrow to speak to him on the phone. I'm scared of what he'll say or do when I tell him what has actually gone on, because I really can't cope with the PTSD flashbacks, nightmares, hallucinations, restless syndrome apparently I get at night.
I'm just exhausted.
I missed my appointment today because they do work the next day when I actually need to function. 
I'm now getting so restless, annoyed easily and emotional. I just want it to stop!!

General Update

Tomorrow is my counselling assessment at 10am. I honestly can't wait to get back to therapy. I feel like I've went backwards whilst seeing my psychologist, so this should be a clean slate, back on the road to recovery. 
Today I went to work. John (one of the fundraisers that I work with) arrived at my door and shouted my name. I hadn't checked my texts so I didn't know that I was working otherwise I would have been ready. We went to a local car boot and did a tombola and raised a lot of money - don't know how much we raised but it looked like a lot. 
We have a number of dates coming up and I can't wait. 
Next weekend, we're doing the tombola, and then on Sunday we have a Teddy Bear's Picnic which is just cute!!

I also have a meeting, festival and conference to attend too. So more on that when I get more info. 

I will of course update you tomorrow after my appointment, I'm very nervous about it as it won't be my usual counsellor as she's in Kettering not Corby, but hopefully I get more help with my emotions, PTSD and my depression which are definitely the top 3 problems I have. 





Thanks for reading, 
Much love, Catherine x

Recovery Is Possible Series: 2. Depression

This is my second post in my series. 
I have done 1 post before this so use the links below to navigate to each one..
Anxiety

I'll be sharing my experiences with the variety of mental health illnesses I suffer with.
Today will be about depression 
If you want to see my full story then please click here.. 

I suffer from depression and it's definitely more than feeling sad. It's persistently feeling down, upset and just lost. 
I first experienced depression when I moved school at age 14. I was moved down a year due to my grades and so I was given a second chance at my GCSE's. 
Many young people experience stress and depression when at school and Uni. 
I'm still getting symptoms of depression even now and it appears out of the blue. 
Check out this video by Lindsay Marie, as it shows how it can come and go in a matter of minutes. 







Much love,
Catherine x

Medication Update: Olanzapine 5mg

It's coming up to two weeks of starting this new medication and nothing has changed apart from emotions have gotten extremely higher and I seem to cry at everything, more than I usually do. It doesn't knock me out, which is why I'm writing this at 1o'clock in the morning.
With my old medication (Quetiapine 50mg at night), I took it at night at about 10:30 and be asleep by 11:30. My new medication doesn't seem to be doing anything, so I'm booking an appointment with my doctor about it and seeing if he can up the dosage to 7.5mg (2.5mg in the morning then the 5mg at night). 
My psychologist decided to send me a letter telling me all of the dialog of each appointment. I ended up sending a photo of the letter in to my family group chat and my sister decides to call me out on my hallucinations saying that I'm lying about it. Honestly I would rather lie about it than experience it because it's is so scary. 
I will share the dialog in here because I think it'll be useful for other people if they can relate to what it says and what I'm experiencing too. 





That's all now, I'm going to be booking an appointment on Monday for Thursday so I can get a review done and hopefully up my dosage to 7.5 as promised by my psychiatrist. 
I'm also getting a fridge freezer for my room and saving up for my online childcare course. 
I've been banned from working, I phone the job centre saying that I would like to do this course, but they can't help me with any funds, so gonna take 3 months to save up for it, but the fact that they can't help me since they were the ones that signed me off for 2 years now. Review won't be until December/January but I hope they give me one more chance to just get back on the road to recovery then I can go full time with childcare jobs. 




Hope you're all okay. 
Sending kisses and hugs to you all.



Catherine x