I know this feeling very well, it's a feeling I get when my Nan attend appointments with me, I hold back on so much info, that i'm just going round in circles.
I'll be glad to start psychology soon in October and I won't be letting her in for the therapy sessions because I just feel like he's gonna peel back so many layers and I don't want to worry her or feel like a burden, which I know I am sometimes.
The last time I went to an appointment with out her, I had phoned up that morning to book a same day appointment with my doctor, he was straight on the phone to the Crisis Team saying "can I refer a patient for hospital admission" so I'm hoping I don't have to do that again because all the crisis team did was ask my doctor if I was related to my sister (they did give her name but I'm not mentioning it here) and he said yes, but that shouldn't even be a question you ask someone who wanted to die the night before. I waited 4 hours, my family were wondering what was going on as I had mentioned to them that it was a medication review as the meds I was on was making me sick which again made sure that they weren't worrying about me because if I had told the truth, they definitely would have worried.
Anyway, hope you're all doing well.
Catherine x
Wednesday, 20 September 2017
Saturday, 16 September 2017
I don't know how much more I can take..
The past two days, I've been a crying mess. I'm back on medication and I don't know how I can be upset all the time.
I run my own business and have a team member in America, so I stay up until 6am to be available for her, she sent me such a upsetting message tonight and I literally broke down whilst questioning my life and wondering why I bother with the business or even my recovery. Now, I know what you're thinking, this blog is called "Recovery Is Possible" and I still believe it is, but there is some moments that pop up which we can't control and that's okay.
It's how we react to it, that counts.
I'm really looking forward to being with my Mum again at the beginning of next week as my youngest niece goes in to school in the afternoons then starts full days the week after.
My nieces and nephews are the ones keeping Mr going, they are my WHY, they are my diamonds, they are my absolute world!! I really hope my "blips" can be controlled. 2nd day into my medication, it doesn't look good.. But I'm hopeful despite the mess I currently look like.
Catherine x
I run my own business and have a team member in America, so I stay up until 6am to be available for her, she sent me such a upsetting message tonight and I literally broke down whilst questioning my life and wondering why I bother with the business or even my recovery. Now, I know what you're thinking, this blog is called "Recovery Is Possible" and I still believe it is, but there is some moments that pop up which we can't control and that's okay.
It's how we react to it, that counts.
I'm really looking forward to being with my Mum again at the beginning of next week as my youngest niece goes in to school in the afternoons then starts full days the week after.
My nieces and nephews are the ones keeping Mr going, they are my WHY, they are my diamonds, they are my absolute world!! I really hope my "blips" can be controlled. 2nd day into my medication, it doesn't look good.. But I'm hopeful despite the mess I currently look like.
Catherine x
Wednesday, 13 September 2017
Backwards in recovery TW
TW; Eating disorder, fainting and dehydration
I've had Ana in my head all day today telling me what great progress I'm making and how happy she is with me, and I don't see why!!
I have been suffering with Anorexia for nearly a year now and it's getting to the point where I'm now fainting and feeling very lightheaded, I've had my windows and curtains close all day yesterday and today because I fainted at the window when I looked out. I really wish I can just be "normal" (whatever that means) and live my life! I can't even concentrate on my business and that itself is concerning.
People tell me to "just eat" "just drink" and I know it might be easy to you but if I was standing next to you saying that you're Mum is going to die if you touch that fork and feed yourself, you wouldn't do it either.
Why does recovery have to be so hard :'(
I've had Ana in my head all day today telling me what great progress I'm making and how happy she is with me, and I don't see why!!
I have been suffering with Anorexia for nearly a year now and it's getting to the point where I'm now fainting and feeling very lightheaded, I've had my windows and curtains close all day yesterday and today because I fainted at the window when I looked out. I really wish I can just be "normal" (whatever that means) and live my life! I can't even concentrate on my business and that itself is concerning.
People tell me to "just eat" "just drink" and I know it might be easy to you but if I was standing next to you saying that you're Mum is going to die if you touch that fork and feed yourself, you wouldn't do it either.
Why does recovery have to be so hard :'(
Sunday, 3 September 2017
Just a quick one..
I've just realised I'm going out on Friday night but it's gonna be with my sister so I'm in safe hands. I booked her tickets for Wannabe Tribute Band in Kettering for her birthday so I'm excited to go with her!!
I also feel like I'm gonna be babysat so much by her which sometimes I don't mind but she has her own problems and also my brother in law will be there so I don't want to have to be a nuisance but they slam doors and everything there.. And I didn't handle it too well last time. I'm hoping I can stay all weekend but I doubt I will be able to stay that long.
The current place I'm living in now is so quiet, there's barely any noise, no one really comes to the house so I feel very safe here, I have another security guard as a housemate which is awesome, he does nights though so I'm gonna have to just get a phone I can use for calls only and just have it as an emergency because this estate isn't the best.
I really want to be able to go somewhere and not have to panic about where I'm going, the amount of noise that I'm gonna hear or the amount of people I'm gonna be around obviously at the concert, it can't be helped really. I just hope I'm stable enough to not have another freaking breakdown like I did last time because someone decided to pretend they had a suspicious package inside their bag which set me off so much, I kept having mini panic attacks during the concert, I jumped at every light, person, noise, it was the worst but I've got us seats at the emergency doors so it'll be all good hopefully. I think last time, I over thought everything and was on guard too much!!
Anyway, I'm still counting down the days until I see my psychiatrist and I'm hoping he's either going to change my medication or up it to make it a little stronger.
Catherine x
I also feel like I'm gonna be babysat so much by her which sometimes I don't mind but she has her own problems and also my brother in law will be there so I don't want to have to be a nuisance but they slam doors and everything there.. And I didn't handle it too well last time. I'm hoping I can stay all weekend but I doubt I will be able to stay that long.
The current place I'm living in now is so quiet, there's barely any noise, no one really comes to the house so I feel very safe here, I have another security guard as a housemate which is awesome, he does nights though so I'm gonna have to just get a phone I can use for calls only and just have it as an emergency because this estate isn't the best.
I really want to be able to go somewhere and not have to panic about where I'm going, the amount of noise that I'm gonna hear or the amount of people I'm gonna be around obviously at the concert, it can't be helped really. I just hope I'm stable enough to not have another freaking breakdown like I did last time because someone decided to pretend they had a suspicious package inside their bag which set me off so much, I kept having mini panic attacks during the concert, I jumped at every light, person, noise, it was the worst but I've got us seats at the emergency doors so it'll be all good hopefully. I think last time, I over thought everything and was on guard too much!!
Anyway, I'm still counting down the days until I see my psychiatrist and I'm hoping he's either going to change my medication or up it to make it a little stronger.
Catherine x
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