I'm back with another helpful post, this time I'm going to give you some games you can do when you're experiencing a panic attack or low mood.
First is my favourite, it's to name as many items you would buy from a supermarket beginning with each letter of the alphabet.
So for example: A is for apples, B is for bananas, C is for crafts - it could be anything you can buy from a supermarket or mall.
Second, I'm going for the grounding technique. If you suffer from panic attacks or psychosis and you don't know this technique, write it down or save this blog post as a bookmark for future reference.
It's simple:
tell me:
5 things you can see
4 things you can touch
3 things you can hear
2 things you can smell
1 thing you can taste
And repeat until you're calming down.
Third and last, I'd like to share with you something that helps me when i'm feeling emotional. So when my emotions are getting the better of me.
Put on some songs that make you cry or emotional, this is what I call emotional therapy. Let it all out, it'll be better by the end of it I promise you.
So that's that for another blog post. It's currently 1:41am in the UK where I am, and I'm not tired at all, I've not had my meds tonight which is why I'm not sleeping as I left them at my boyfriends.
Hope you're all well.
Catherine x
Sunday, 14 October 2018
Thursday, 11 October 2018
Going into therapy
Tomorrow, I'm phoning my old counselling service who I've worked with before and going back into therapy. I'm honestly so nervous as I usually see a lady in Kettering but I can't afford going there every week so I'm going to the local one here in Corby, Northamptonshire. I wanted to go into therapy a few months ago but I was already seeing my psychologist so I thought I would let that work first but I had a bad experience with him so I've decided to go into counselling and talk my problems out.
Back when I was 14, I was groomed online, I didn't realise I was a victim to sexual grooming until Loose Women shared their #itsnevertoolate campaign, and I then cried my eyes out when the realisation kicked in.
I was also raped back in 2014, when I moved house. It was a horrible experience, I again thought it was my fault. So I didn't push for sentencing the person. I was raped again in 2016, when my ex moved in. I was drunk the first time and the CID lady said that it was my fault, but the thing is I didn't give consent and I also didn't say no to it. I didn't give them the proper evidence because I felt so ashamed.
Back when I was 14, I was groomed online, I didn't realise I was a victim to sexual grooming until Loose Women shared their #itsnevertoolate campaign, and I then cried my eyes out when the realisation kicked in.
I was also raped back in 2014, when I moved house. It was a horrible experience, I again thought it was my fault. So I didn't push for sentencing the person. I was raped again in 2016, when my ex moved in. I was drunk the first time and the CID lady said that it was my fault, but the thing is I didn't give consent and I also didn't say no to it. I didn't give them the proper evidence because I felt so ashamed.
It's going to be hard work, but it's going to worth it. I'm really excited to start counselling again.
Wednesday, 10 October 2018
World Mental Health Day 2018
I'm so excited to be sharing my story once again, I shared my story back in 2016 and a lot has happened since, so this will be an updated version. Enjoy.
My journey started 15 years ago, I was 9 years old. I started becoming obsessed over even numbers, touching things twice or more times and if I didn't do it, someone in my family would've come to harm in some way. I then started hearing voices in my head but I thought everyone hears voices in their head at some point each day, so I thought nothing of it. I then started experiencing panic attacks. I remember my first ever panic attack, it was in London Underground when I was going through the barriers. I remember after going through every single barrier, I would have heavy heart palpitations, voices would get louder and louder (I mean, it was loud enough in reality as it was during the Christmas rush), it was all so scary, I would burst out crying, it was horrible. I then started to experience hallucinations which added to the madness. I would hallucinate during the night and shout for my Mum to come in so I was safe. At school, it crept up on me. At primary school I was obsessing over even numbers and the voices in my head asked me to spin around on one foot an even number of times or my Mum would get hurt and obviously I didn't want that, so I did as I was told. My club teacher didn't like it and kept telling me off for it as I was meant to face the front and read off the screen.
Fast forward to when I was 15, I was living with my Dad and I started experiencing thoughts and feelings about food. It became an obsession as well. I hid food in my room, refuse to eat my lunch at school and I just hated my body. I would get home, binge on cereal and purge it all back up. This was the start of an eating disorder that is still haunting me even today. I was born premature and was looked after in Special Care Baby Unit in Kettering, Northamptonshire so I was small in size anyway, but this added another level. I was underweight for my height and I still hated my body.
At 18 years old, I was experiencing a panic attack in my room, shaking, crying hysterically. The only thought that went through my head was 'why don't you kill yourself??' and it was scary to think that for the very first time ever, I'd never experienced that before.. anyway, I thought 'I need to speak out about this, it's been too long and not forgetting painful'. I made a note for both my PDC (Personal Development Coach) and my safeguarding officer Kirstie, folded them up and put them in my college bag for the next day.
The next day I went in to see Kirstie and gave her the note whilst trying to not cry. She read the note and looked up at me with just a shocked face. I felt a relief rolling off my shoulders now that I finally had told someone about what had been happening. She was shocked because she knew me so well, I was Vice President in Student Union, going for the role of President of the Corby Campus at Tresham College. She agreed to meet me after my lessons, so I walked up to my class and apologised to my teacher for being late (she knew why a little later). I then started on my work, 5 minutes later, I was hysterically crying my eyes out (only my friend knew about it), I asked my teacher what room number we were in and she told me. I emailed Kirstie downstairs and she came straight up, called my teacher out and explained what had happened before class.
I was then called to the front of the class to speak to my teacher, my teacher passed me a note that said 'Kirstie will speak to you after college'. I agreed and carried on with my work.
I then went down to see Kirstie after college, she brought me into a small room and I burst in to tears, again she was shocked. We had spoken for an hour or so, and I headed home with my Mum.
I had also seen my PDC Sian, and gave her the same note I gave to Kirstie.
I was given a leaflet by Kirstie and on it said about a counselling service that college was doing, and that it might help me. And boy did it!! It really helped me. Although I've seen her 3 times now and now I don't see anyone as I've been on the waiting list for ages for places that haven't even contacted me. I'm going to try and see Cathy (the counsellor from Tresham) again.
With the help of my Nan, I booked an appointment to see my family GP, Dr W. The day came and I couldn't have been more nervous about it. I went in open minded and talked about everything that had happened, he then referred me to the Wellbeing Team and prescribed me some medication called Propanalol to help with my panic attacks.
I started taking them and they did more bad than good unfortunately. I went back so many times and he still referred me to the same place until Wellbeing team had told me that I was too dangerous for them to manage. I didn't find my doctor helpful at all, so a few years later I saw another doctor. He was shocked about how many times I was thrown back and forth through different places, put on the waiting list for Mind counselling who still to this day haven't contacted me. This new doctor (Dr R) agreed to put me under his wing for a while as I was 'too dangerous' not to be. He continued to see me for a couple of months until he was happy to let me get on with things.
At 22, I started experiencing PTSD flashbacks from when I was groomed online at 14 years old and I was also raped back in 2014, this something I'm going to be working on in therapy (I'm calling them today), I had only realised that I wasn't alone, when the Loose Women spoke up about their experiences with rape in their #ItsNeverTooLate campaign. I always thought it was my fault that those things happened to me, but in fact it wasn't. No consent is no consent, not saying yes or no is not consent!! This is something I'd like to eventually speak publically about because I think it's such a taboo subject like mental health is, but I will be able to finally talk about it.
After being bulimic at age 15, I found another eating disorder that took hold of me, anorexia. I was always told as a child that I had a belly on me which fed my addiction with Ana (my anorexia voice). I eventually starved myself for a few weeks and felt sick because of it. I phoned 111 and told them I had blood in my sick and they told me to go to the nearest urgent care centre and that they were expecting me, so I phoned my Grandad to take me over there. I was then rushed into the Observation Bays, and was given fluids. The next day, I went to see Dr R and he asked me if I was okay. He then looked over at my Grandad who was sitting next to me shaking his head. He told Dr R what happened yesterday and I told him with tears in my eyes that I had starved myself. I gave him my urine sample and it turns out to be that I didn't have enough ketones. So my doctor started to get worried about me. I was told to go to the hospital to get checked over and they gave me a glass of something that tasted like acid but it was a drink to help with the starvation I had done to myself. Since then I haven't gone back, thankfully.
I am happy with where I am in life, I'm now doing a childcare course online, got myself a man who cares for me and I am so happy with my progress and so is my doctor who I haven't had to see for over a year which is just amazing!!
I'm going to be updating this as time goes on, but yeah so far that's my story.
Stay strong everyone.
Catherine x
My journey started 15 years ago, I was 9 years old. I started becoming obsessed over even numbers, touching things twice or more times and if I didn't do it, someone in my family would've come to harm in some way. I then started hearing voices in my head but I thought everyone hears voices in their head at some point each day, so I thought nothing of it. I then started experiencing panic attacks. I remember my first ever panic attack, it was in London Underground when I was going through the barriers. I remember after going through every single barrier, I would have heavy heart palpitations, voices would get louder and louder (I mean, it was loud enough in reality as it was during the Christmas rush), it was all so scary, I would burst out crying, it was horrible. I then started to experience hallucinations which added to the madness. I would hallucinate during the night and shout for my Mum to come in so I was safe. At school, it crept up on me. At primary school I was obsessing over even numbers and the voices in my head asked me to spin around on one foot an even number of times or my Mum would get hurt and obviously I didn't want that, so I did as I was told. My club teacher didn't like it and kept telling me off for it as I was meant to face the front and read off the screen.
Fast forward to when I was 15, I was living with my Dad and I started experiencing thoughts and feelings about food. It became an obsession as well. I hid food in my room, refuse to eat my lunch at school and I just hated my body. I would get home, binge on cereal and purge it all back up. This was the start of an eating disorder that is still haunting me even today. I was born premature and was looked after in Special Care Baby Unit in Kettering, Northamptonshire so I was small in size anyway, but this added another level. I was underweight for my height and I still hated my body.
At 18 years old, I was experiencing a panic attack in my room, shaking, crying hysterically. The only thought that went through my head was 'why don't you kill yourself??' and it was scary to think that for the very first time ever, I'd never experienced that before.. anyway, I thought 'I need to speak out about this, it's been too long and not forgetting painful'. I made a note for both my PDC (Personal Development Coach) and my safeguarding officer Kirstie, folded them up and put them in my college bag for the next day.
The next day I went in to see Kirstie and gave her the note whilst trying to not cry. She read the note and looked up at me with just a shocked face. I felt a relief rolling off my shoulders now that I finally had told someone about what had been happening. She was shocked because she knew me so well, I was Vice President in Student Union, going for the role of President of the Corby Campus at Tresham College. She agreed to meet me after my lessons, so I walked up to my class and apologised to my teacher for being late (she knew why a little later). I then started on my work, 5 minutes later, I was hysterically crying my eyes out (only my friend knew about it), I asked my teacher what room number we were in and she told me. I emailed Kirstie downstairs and she came straight up, called my teacher out and explained what had happened before class.
I was then called to the front of the class to speak to my teacher, my teacher passed me a note that said 'Kirstie will speak to you after college'. I agreed and carried on with my work.
I then went down to see Kirstie after college, she brought me into a small room and I burst in to tears, again she was shocked. We had spoken for an hour or so, and I headed home with my Mum.
I had also seen my PDC Sian, and gave her the same note I gave to Kirstie.
I was given a leaflet by Kirstie and on it said about a counselling service that college was doing, and that it might help me. And boy did it!! It really helped me. Although I've seen her 3 times now and now I don't see anyone as I've been on the waiting list for ages for places that haven't even contacted me. I'm going to try and see Cathy (the counsellor from Tresham) again.
With the help of my Nan, I booked an appointment to see my family GP, Dr W. The day came and I couldn't have been more nervous about it. I went in open minded and talked about everything that had happened, he then referred me to the Wellbeing Team and prescribed me some medication called Propanalol to help with my panic attacks.
I started taking them and they did more bad than good unfortunately. I went back so many times and he still referred me to the same place until Wellbeing team had told me that I was too dangerous for them to manage. I didn't find my doctor helpful at all, so a few years later I saw another doctor. He was shocked about how many times I was thrown back and forth through different places, put on the waiting list for Mind counselling who still to this day haven't contacted me. This new doctor (Dr R) agreed to put me under his wing for a while as I was 'too dangerous' not to be. He continued to see me for a couple of months until he was happy to let me get on with things.
At 22, I started experiencing PTSD flashbacks from when I was groomed online at 14 years old and I was also raped back in 2014, this something I'm going to be working on in therapy (I'm calling them today), I had only realised that I wasn't alone, when the Loose Women spoke up about their experiences with rape in their #ItsNeverTooLate campaign. I always thought it was my fault that those things happened to me, but in fact it wasn't. No consent is no consent, not saying yes or no is not consent!! This is something I'd like to eventually speak publically about because I think it's such a taboo subject like mental health is, but I will be able to finally talk about it.
After being bulimic at age 15, I found another eating disorder that took hold of me, anorexia. I was always told as a child that I had a belly on me which fed my addiction with Ana (my anorexia voice). I eventually starved myself for a few weeks and felt sick because of it. I phoned 111 and told them I had blood in my sick and they told me to go to the nearest urgent care centre and that they were expecting me, so I phoned my Grandad to take me over there. I was then rushed into the Observation Bays, and was given fluids. The next day, I went to see Dr R and he asked me if I was okay. He then looked over at my Grandad who was sitting next to me shaking his head. He told Dr R what happened yesterday and I told him with tears in my eyes that I had starved myself. I gave him my urine sample and it turns out to be that I didn't have enough ketones. So my doctor started to get worried about me. I was told to go to the hospital to get checked over and they gave me a glass of something that tasted like acid but it was a drink to help with the starvation I had done to myself. Since then I haven't gone back, thankfully.
I am happy with where I am in life, I'm now doing a childcare course online, got myself a man who cares for me and I am so happy with my progress and so is my doctor who I haven't had to see for over a year which is just amazing!!
I'm going to be updating this as time goes on, but yeah so far that's my story.
Stay strong everyone.
Catherine x
Wednesday, 3 October 2018
Psychiatrist appointment
I had my psychiatrist appointment and he's running out of medications to give me as I've had most of the ones I'm allowed. I'll be speaking to my doctor tomorrow about it because I don't think they are working.
Self harm urges are high tonight, because one of the people on Instagram posted a picture of her arm covered in blood, thankfully she's getting help for it at hospital. My self-harm scars are really triggering me and I just want to feel something that's not numbness. I'm with my boyfriend tonight so I'm safe.
I have my doctor phoning me tomorrow so I will also update people on what he says too.
I haven't been to work for about a week and a bit, I wanted to start my online Childcare course so I'm going back there in the next few weeks.
Hope everyone is okay.
Much love, Catherine
Self harm urges are high tonight, because one of the people on Instagram posted a picture of her arm covered in blood, thankfully she's getting help for it at hospital. My self-harm scars are really triggering me and I just want to feel something that's not numbness. I'm with my boyfriend tonight so I'm safe.
I have my doctor phoning me tomorrow so I will also update people on what he says too.
I haven't been to work for about a week and a bit, I wanted to start my online Childcare course so I'm going back there in the next few weeks.
Hope everyone is okay.
Much love, Catherine
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