Update:

I'm doing another update because I'm finally having my review for my meds next Thursday. I didn't realise it was a phone call appointment, I've never had a review yet, so this will be interesting.
I'm doing okay, I think. Anorexia is getting on my nerves at the moment, I'm trying my best to not give in to the voice. It's hard. Since being on the new meds, I've gained a lot, I don't know just how much, but I've definitely put on maybe a stone, or more. I hate it. I hate the way I look, I hate my weight, I just hate everything about it. I brought some weightloss capsules, not because Ana wants me to lose all 'this fat' but to get back to a healthy weight. This is not to give into Ana, this was a personal choice, because I feel and look for that matter like a young whale.

I recently started my online childcare course, which is going great. I absolutely love it. It's stressful but that's to be expected. I haven't got any deadlines, it gets done when I can do it. It's so much more relaxed than a proper college course, as I did my level 1 in a college setting, Tresham to be exact. I was allowed to do level 2 but I wanted to 'stay with my friends' which I now regret. I'm doing my level 3 and that's my favourite thing about studying online, you don't have to have experience or qualifications to do a higher level, you just need to be prepared to work for your qualification. I started on 18th September, and I have had a lot of help from my tutor, so if someone that's reading this would like to try it, honestly it's one of the best decisions I've made in my whole life.

It's funny how I can type out a long blog post, but when I try and do an assignment, it's like, what the hell do I type, I'm getting used to it I think, it's a stepping stone. I'm going to be glad when my first unit is finally handed in. It's only 2 units and I'm falling behind I think, but it's fine, I've got 1 year to do it and when it's over, I'll be so happy.

My depression tried to take over my life recently too, so I haven't had the motivation to do any of it. I'll do notes and the little things to build up an assignment bit by bit.

I also have an appointment with my psychiatrist which I think will be positive, but I will be honest with what's been happening and I can't wait to share what I've kept quiet for ages!!




Catherine x

Activities to do when you're down

These are some of my favourite activities to do when I'm down.

1. Dot to dot - This helps me focus on something other than what's happening in my head. 

2. Colouring in

3. Singing

4. Dancing

5. Have a photoshoot 

6. Go out for a walk

7. Do your makeup

8. Watch your fav film

9. Watch a Netflix marathon

10. Tidy up 





Catherine x

My Battle With Anorexia: The story so far..

This time last year I posted a photo of a takeaway meal I got from the local kebab shop. It was cheesy chips and I posted it with the caption 'beating anorexia one bite at a time'. Many people didn't believe that I was suffering with anorexia. I didn't look anorexic, I was weight restored at the time. I was a normal weight for my height and age.
Rewind to when I was born, I was born premature, throughout my childhood, I had a healthy appetite, I was undeveloped and was teased at secondary school for having no boobs or cleavage, it was horrible. I was a healthy weight - around 7 stone. I loved food. 
It wasn't until I went to live with my Dad back in 2009 that I noticed my weight and how much I was eating. I would weigh myself daily and make sure it was an even number, if it wasn't I'd punish myself by sleeping in on weekends (although I was working most weekends) and skipping breakfast a lot. I was a size 7-8 years when I was 15. 
I remember one night, I was looking in the mirror and it sounded like someone was next to me saying I was fat, worthless. Now I'd been suffering with hearing voices in my head but this one was different, this one sounded like it was behind me or next to me and sometimes afterschool I was alone in the house until my step-mum returned home from work so it was definitely a voice, but it wasn't in my head - does that make sense??
Since then, I've relapsed so many times, too many times to count. I've felt like I was fat most of my life, it's a horrible illness to live with on top of what I already suffer with - anxiety, depression, OCD, EUPD (BPD), and PTSD. It's like having a devil follow you about telling you you're not good enough, judging what you buy from shops, it's full on. 
I'm still struggling with it today. Last night I had a bad night with it, it hurt to cry so much, my stomach turned everytime I cried, I was a mess. I don't know my exact weight, but I know I'm still overweight which bothers me so much. 
This blog post will be updated a lot in the next few weeks as I've relapsed in the past. For anyone who wants to follow my journey with anorexia, I'll make a new Instagram. 

If you're suffering with any mental health issues and would like support, I'm an admin for a support group on Facebook called Mental Health Matters Speak Out, join and answer the questions and you can be part of the group. We support eachother every day and you're more than welcome to become a member. 





Catherine x

3 Things On My Mind

I'll try and do this as a daily thing, not promising anything though. 

My mental health deteriorated tonight and it was like someone was controlling my emotions. It was horrible. 

So I'm going to be going through the top 3 things on my mind.

1. Ana. Ana is my eating disorder voice and I have a love/hate relationship with her. I've been eating safe foods recently and so I've listened to her and obeyed her. 

I haven't been weighing myself because I haven't got spare batteries for my scales. 

2. Work. I've been working a lot more than i'm used to. The next few days will be so busy, I'm working Saturday and then on Monday I'm with the Air Ambulance doing collection buckets around the town centre. 

3. Business. I'm currently working double time with my business, speaking to so many people about the business opportunity and sharing my network marketing journey, which I did a blog post on so I'll post it here when it goes up. 

Hope everyone is okay.

Catherine x