Recovery Is Possible Series: 1. Anxiety/GAD

I'm so excited to be doing my first ever series here on my blog. 
I'll be sharing my experiences with the variety of mental health illnesses I suffer with.
Today will be about anxiety/generalised anxiety disorder. 

If you want to see my full story then please click here.. 

I was diagnosed with anxiety first, in 2013. I had suffered in silence for 9 years until I had no choice but to speak up after attempting suicide the night before. I suffered badly with panic attacks and the first one I experienced was in London Underground during Christmas shopping rush hour, it was hell. 

I didn't know what was happening, I would run through the barriers as quick as I could then burst into tears after each one. I didn't know it was a panic attack until I saw my doctor 9/10 years later. I was 9 at the time. I was put on Propranalol which are beta-blockers. It is used to treat anxiety disorders aswell as angina, heart failure, atrial fibrillation, heart attack and high blood pressure.  They help slow down the heart rate. During panic attacks, you tend to hyperventilate which means your heart rate goes really fast and you struggle to catch your breath. It feels like you're having a heart attack and you'll feel like you're going to die, but don't worry, just remember that it's just a panic attack, it's going to be temporary and it's going to pass soon. 

Since I was put on Propranalol, I was then put on citalopram, referred to Wellbeing Team multiple times, then I was put on fluoxetine, promethazine and most recently quetiapine and now I take olanzapine. 

It's a tough journey, but know you are not alone in this.

We are here to help you. 

Sending you all hugs and I hope this has helped you. 

Catherine x

Recovery Is Possible Series: Mental Health Awareness

So I am going to do a series of blog posts relating to the variety of mental health issues I suffer with and will be looking for other people to share their experiences. 
I suffer with anxiety, depression, OCD, BPD (EUPD), anorexia and PTSD, so I will be covering these, if you suffer with other mental health illnesses and would like to share your story, please email me via catherinejw@hotmail.com and I will publish your story on here. 

First I will start with Generalised Anxiety Disorder and new blog posts will be posted on a Monday at 8pm UK time. 






Much love, 
Catherine x

Asking for help: the truth..

I remember when I asked for help back in 2012. I went to someone I trusted with the information I was about to give her. I didn't go to my GP or any family member, I went to my safeguarding officer in college. You can read more on my story here..
I had attempted suicide the night before and I knew I had to speak up after suffering in silence for 9 years. 
I had written notes for my safeguarding officer and also my Personal Development Coach to let them know what had happened the night before. 

After telling them, I felt relieved. I didn't know who else to tell other than my Mum and my Step-Dad. My safeguarding officer had called my Mum in to have a word with her, my Step-Dad came in too. 
They were so supportive and my Step-Dad was shocked that I didn't speak up sooner.

Sometimes, we have to speak up. I had no option but to speak out about my struggles as I had nearly ended my life the previous night. 
Next, I had to tell my Nan who was going to later be my Medical Appointee (the one who will be booking and attending my appointments). I had booked a appointment with my GP 3 months after I initially spoke up. He wasn't very helpful. He prescribed me anxiety medication to calm me down when I experienced panic attacks. He also referred me to "Wellbeing team" who had a waiting list. I started with them in September 2013, but after being assessed and starting therapy with them, I wasn't very open to CBT so I stopped going, which actually made me worse. I was referred to them a further 3 times until I was told I was too dangerous for them. I had been very impulsive with my BPD so I had over-dosed and attempted suicide too many times for them to be able to help me.
I didn't know who to turn to. I was admitted to hospital for the first time ever, it didn't last long though as I was discharged the next day. 
I felt like I was at a dead end with medical help and soon began to lose hope. I was on medication that I wasn't trusted with. 
It wasn't until I booked an emergency/same day appointment to see another doctor. He really helped me. He could see right though me and knew I was struggling just by looking at me. He offered to take me under his wing and so I was under his care and put on multiple medications, including quetiapine and promethazine, fluroxetine, citalopram, apriprazole. I've only just been changed over from quetiapine to olanzapine which will hopefully help with the symptoms I've been experiencing.
I saw this doctor every week, then every two weeks, then every 4 weeks, every two months, then discharged from his care, I could see him when I wanted not when he wanted to see me. He also cut my medication down from every 4 weeks to every week just to keep my impulsion to overdose at a minimum, as he says "I'm fine 99% of the time, but it's that 1% where I'm so impulsive with my meds and my thoughts that I end up in A+E". 
I still see him to this day and is my go-to doctor/medical professional at the moment. I'm also under the local mental health team too, I have a psychiatrist that seems to know what he's doing with my care as he is THE one to ask for permission to be working and driving. I used to do psychology too, but I decided that it wasn't working for me, it doesn't mean it won't work for you, you never know until you try it. CBT wasn't for me either, but I tried it and it's all about trial and error, you never know if it'll work for you until you try it. 
I feel like I'm now under the right people in my care, have the right knowledge on who to go to for what. I see my psychiatrist every 6 months, my doctor when I need to and both professionals know my risks and know what to do when I'm in a crisis. 
I'm grateful for the care I've recieved within the NHS and so grateful for them being free of charge as I would be in debt the amount of ambulances that have been out and the amount of times I've attended A+E. 

Do your research, don't lose heart and carry on living. There is help out there, it's finding what's right for you.

If there's ever a time where you're really struggling with anything, go straight to your local hospital and tell them everything, don't hold back on any info because I did at my therapy sessions and it didn't get me anywhere. Feeling suicidal?? Tell someone, you won't regret it. 





Hope you're all doing well. 
Much love, Catherine x

Appointment Update: 22nd May 2018

I attended my appointment with my psychiatrist yesterday and he's changing my meds from Quetiapine 50mg twice a day to Olanzapine 5mg. 
I've already had a couple of people tell me about their experiences with the medicine, so will see how it affects me and get back to you.
If you or someone you know has been on this medication, please drop me an email - catherinejw@hotmail.com
I spoke to my psychiatrist about a number of things, including driving, he would have let me do my driving lessons. 
I also spoke to him about my experience with my psychologist which hasn't gone too well as you can read here.. 
My boyfriend came with me to explain the psychotic episodes I've been experiencing after I saw my psychologist. 
I've finally discharged myself from my psychologist so I will be going to counselling with Teamwork Trust in Corby to see if they can help me. I already attended the Kettering one and saw an incredible counsellor there, so if anyone is local to Kettering, Northamptonshire, definitely phone up and try and see Cathy, she really helped me when I was first diagnosed and ever since then too. 
Even just hearing her voice today has made my day!!
I'll keep you updated on all things recovery and mental health related. 




Thanks for reading, hope you're all doing well. 



Catherine x

Update: 18th May 2018

Hey!! 
I know i've been very absent on here and also my general blog, but i'm back and to start my blogs off again, I'm going to share an update on my mental health and just a general update on what is happening in the life of me.
Since I spoke to you all, I've had alot going on. 
The last post was before I started seeing my psychologist, well things didn't go to plan. There wasn't much organisation with each session, I was basically talking to a counsellor each time I saw him, then he decided to actually be organised but soon that went down the drain.
He started being late to our sessions, our sessions went down from being an hour long, to him coming down half an hour late from the staff room, then cutting the sessions short to 12 minutes. 
That's not all of it though, he started a session with 'first of all, I wanna ask you a question, was looking through your medical history and I'm confused about your DNA' now if you were told that, what would you think?? You would think your father isn't your father, right??!! Well this is what I thought, so I questioned him about it and said I was confused with what he meant, now, if I was questioning someones DNA I would be telling them why, my psychologist didn't even do that, he just said 'well I'll move on then'.. 
I went home (not sure how, may I add) breaking inside and eventually got on the phone to my Nan who was with my Mum at the time, about to ask her if I was adopted, YES you read right, ADOPTED!! Because that's what he made me think.
Now I'm 23 so I should have been told at 18 but I wasn't, because guess what?? I'M NOT ADOPTED!!!! 
Also, he left me all of Christmas to think I was. He left me thinking that the family I was celebrating Christmas with wasn't my family. Yeah!! :'(
Anyway, back to the story - my Nan told me that she was with my Mum and was going to ring me later. I got all paranoid and thought they were trying to figure out how to tell me. I eventually get a call back and by this point my paranoia was really bad!! I asked her with tears in my eyes rolling down my cheeks, if I was in fact adopted. She said no, why, who said that?? I explained what my psychologist said about being 'confused about my DNA' and she was like, course you're not adopted, why would you think that??
I wasn't convinced. The next appointment, I brought my Nan with me who asks him what he meant, he then THEN explains to my Nan what he meant, and what he meant by 'confused by my DNA' was my missing chromosomes, yeah something I already knew about.. why couldn't he have told me??
Since then I have been breaking down into tears, paranoia getting the better of me and to top it off, I have psychotic episodes every night since my now last appointment with him. Yeah I still went back to him, but since he cut the sessions down to 12 minutes, I wasn't happy. He didn't have any patients waiting for him, he just wanted to go back up to the staff room to have a coffee and the thing is, he told the receptionist he was going to do that as she was even shocked how quick I was. 
So yeah that's basically what's been going on with me. 
I'm going backwards in recovery, I experience paranoia, psychotic episodes, my EUPD flares up all the time, it's actually ruining my life. I want to just get on with it and now that I phoned up the centre and said I would like to cancel my booked appointment with him and when the receptionist asked me if I would like another appointment, I said NO straight away. So I've discharged myself from him because I felt he was making me worse not better. 

I see my psychiatrist on Tuesday 22nd May 2018 so I will update then too. He wants to ask me about my experience with my psychologist because he's heard that he's caused a lot of issues with his other patients. I'm not looking forward to it, because even typing this now is breaking me inside because to this day, I'm in battle with my family and my head. It's horrible.





Hope you all are doing so much better than me, I wouldn't wish this on my worst enermy. 
I love you all. 
Speak to you in my next blog post (which I am going to type out after I've finished this one because I've got amazing news to tell you!!)

Catherine x