Recovery Update #2

This is my second update. If you want to see the first one, please click here.

Just like last week, it's been full of ups and downs. More ups than downs to be honest.
I wake up in the morning feeling like there's a heavy weight pulling me down. When this happens, I literally have to wait until the last minute to get dressed and walk out the door which is probably why I don't always look put together and quite frankly I sometimes don't care.

Living with depression,  anxiety EUPD (BPD) and OCD is hard, you've got the extreme highs and the extreme lows and not forgetting the voices that crowd your mind.

The past few days I've had a fake smile on my face but when I come home and lock my door, everything comes pouring out. That pile of washing I didn't do last week, is still in my washing basket, the mess in my room has gotten worse and I really don't have the motivation. Yet I can "happily" go out with my family.
My family think that i'm fine in company, but they don't know the half of it. I'm calm on the surface but underneath is the real pain. I've been called a "disgrace" "messy" "unclean" you name it, I've been called it and to be honest I can't help myself.
I can't get the help I need so I just sleep it off which is also "wrong".

I said in my first recovery update that my doctor was going to phone me, well, he did. My step-dad was working but I didnt need him because my doctor isn't confident with letting me go behind the wheel after what I did. He asked my permission to speak to the DVLA about my ability to drive and I agreed.
A week later, he rings again, out of the blue.
Now a little bit of history, I was admitted on to a psychiatric ward back in July last year, and 12 hours later I was discharged back in to the community which made me feel worse. He asked how I was, I said I was fine, I lied... I haven't been fine at all, but i'd rather keep it to myself than be seen as "attention-seeking" again. He also told me that he contacted the DVLA (if you don't know what I'm on about, please have a look at recovery update #1, as it will explain more) about my capability to drive and it's been decided that I need to be stable for 3 months before I can drive again. This was Friday. It's now Saturday night and I'm feeling so bad about not speaking up, but what's going to happen? Another worthless trip to A&E, waiting for 7+ hours to be sent home.
I dont meet the criteria to be an inpatient and it's killing me knowing that I can't get the help I need.

Faking a smile somehow got me through the past few days and I honestly don't know how but I'm still fighting a battle everyday that most people who know me don't even know much about.
If you met me on the street, you wouldn't think I suffered from multiple mental illnesses, you'd think that I was in fact normal and had my shit together, well its not true. I wish it was.


Until next Sunday, bye for now :)



Miss Catherine x