This is my second update. If you want to see the first one, please click here.
Just like last week, it's been full of ups and downs. More ups than downs to be honest.
I wake up in the morning feeling like there's a heavy weight pulling me down. When this happens, I literally have to wait until the last minute to get dressed and walk out the door which is probably why I don't always look put together and quite frankly I sometimes don't care.
Living with depression, anxiety EUPD (BPD) and OCD is hard, you've got the extreme highs and the extreme lows and not forgetting the voices that crowd your mind.
The past few days I've had a fake smile on my face but when I come home and lock my door, everything comes pouring out. That pile of washing I didn't do last week, is still in my washing basket, the mess in my room has gotten worse and I really don't have the motivation. Yet I can "happily" go out with my family.
My family think that i'm fine in company, but they don't know the half of it. I'm calm on the surface but underneath is the real pain. I've been called a "disgrace" "messy" "unclean" you name it, I've been called it and to be honest I can't help myself.
I can't get the help I need so I just sleep it off which is also "wrong".
I said in my first recovery update that my doctor was going to phone me, well, he did. My step-dad was working but I didnt need him because my doctor isn't confident with letting me go behind the wheel after what I did. He asked my permission to speak to the DVLA about my ability to drive and I agreed.
A week later, he rings again, out of the blue.
Now a little bit of history, I was admitted on to a psychiatric ward back in July last year, and 12 hours later I was discharged back in to the community which made me feel worse. He asked how I was, I said I was fine, I lied... I haven't been fine at all, but i'd rather keep it to myself than be seen as "attention-seeking" again. He also told me that he contacted the DVLA (if you don't know what I'm on about, please have a look at recovery update #1, as it will explain more) about my capability to drive and it's been decided that I need to be stable for 3 months before I can drive again. This was Friday. It's now Saturday night and I'm feeling so bad about not speaking up, but what's going to happen? Another worthless trip to A&E, waiting for 7+ hours to be sent home.
I dont meet the criteria to be an inpatient and it's killing me knowing that I can't get the help I need.
Faking a smile somehow got me through the past few days and I honestly don't know how but I'm still fighting a battle everyday that most people who know me don't even know much about.
If you met me on the street, you wouldn't think I suffered from multiple mental illnesses, you'd think that I was in fact normal and had my shit together, well its not true. I wish it was.
Until next Sunday, bye for now :)
Miss Catherine x
Sunday, 28 February 2016
Sunday, 21 February 2016
Recovery Update #1
Just like my #weeklyupdates on my main blog, I'm going to start doing weekly recovery updates here on my recovery blog.
The past few weeks have been tough. There's been a lot of sleeping and just staying in bed for the past few days because I just haven't been feeling too positive about anything.
I now have a massive pile of washing to be done and my room to be tidied and cleaned up because it just hasn't been done.
I took a step back from life and just looked after myself. I have been sleeping loads as this helps me cope with the voices and I know it's not a great way to deal with them but it works for now.
I visited my doctor on Friday 12th because a few weeks back I completely crashed and took an overdose of my prescription medication. It was planned, I planned the whole thing. I was going to tell my Nan everything, which I did. Take the overdose and then go to sleep and hopefully not wake up. But I freaked out and told her what I had done so a trip to the hospital in the back of an ambulance was needed.
14hrs later, I was assessed by the mental health team who thought I was okay to go home and sent me home in a taxi.
When I saw the doctor, he was very disappointed in me, for what I had done. I felt like I couldn't justify myself even though I did want to.
He's phoning me because the main reason why I went to see him was to ask if I could go back to driving as my step-dad wasn't too confident with me going behind the wheel after what i'd done so he's gonna let my step-dad know that medically I can go back to driving.
I've had a word with DVLA about it and they said that it's up to the doctor so... that's what I've done.
Hopefully the next update will be me going back behind the wheel which I absolutely love.
Miss Catherine x
The past few weeks have been tough. There's been a lot of sleeping and just staying in bed for the past few days because I just haven't been feeling too positive about anything.
I now have a massive pile of washing to be done and my room to be tidied and cleaned up because it just hasn't been done.
I took a step back from life and just looked after myself. I have been sleeping loads as this helps me cope with the voices and I know it's not a great way to deal with them but it works for now.
I visited my doctor on Friday 12th because a few weeks back I completely crashed and took an overdose of my prescription medication. It was planned, I planned the whole thing. I was going to tell my Nan everything, which I did. Take the overdose and then go to sleep and hopefully not wake up. But I freaked out and told her what I had done so a trip to the hospital in the back of an ambulance was needed.
14hrs later, I was assessed by the mental health team who thought I was okay to go home and sent me home in a taxi.
When I saw the doctor, he was very disappointed in me, for what I had done. I felt like I couldn't justify myself even though I did want to.
He's phoning me because the main reason why I went to see him was to ask if I could go back to driving as my step-dad wasn't too confident with me going behind the wheel after what i'd done so he's gonna let my step-dad know that medically I can go back to driving.
I've had a word with DVLA about it and they said that it's up to the doctor so... that's what I've done.
Hopefully the next update will be me going back behind the wheel which I absolutely love.
Miss Catherine x
Wednesday, 17 February 2016
My Full-Time Job: Mental Health
The title may mean different things to different people, but the reason I have put it like that is because having a mental illness is a full time job for many and it is for me.
Everyday is a struggle. Everyday I think I'm the burden of society and that my problems don't matter compared to other invisible illnesses.
Every morning, I wake with the same demons that left me the night before, sometimes they don't even leave, they keep me awake at night and torture me with their words.
Saying I'm weak, not good enough, that people are out to get me, that my family will get ill if I eat today. So what do I do to cope? I sleep. It's not laziness it's escape from all the voices, from the demons, from people in general.
Having mental health is a full time job, it can stop you in your tracks, my OCD haunts me everyday and the struggle is real, a fake smile is all it takes to cover everything up.
It may be easy for someone to say "get out and do something instead of lying in bed" which is something that is repeated to me many times, so many times. And to be honest, I'm sick and tired of hearing it and trying to think of an answer I haven't given before.
Telling someone with mental health issues that their issues aren't real because they can't see it is like telling a cancer patient the same thing.
Someone with cancer visits hospital to get treatment every month, if a mental health patient went every month into a hospital, it's seen as attention-seeking yet they are treated so well even though Cancer is an invisible illness just like mental illness. They are treated differently. Cancer patients are waited on hand and foot when feeling weak but mental health patients are told to exercise, get some fresh air, meet people.
Mental health is a full-time job, it eats all your energy before you even get out of bed.
The stigma behind mental illness is double, triple, quadruple the size of the stigma behind cancer and it needs to be killed before another person is.
If you or someone you know is suffering from suicidal thoughts or you are worried that they might be planning something, seek help NOW!!
Miss Catherine x
Everyday is a struggle. Everyday I think I'm the burden of society and that my problems don't matter compared to other invisible illnesses.
Every morning, I wake with the same demons that left me the night before, sometimes they don't even leave, they keep me awake at night and torture me with their words.
Saying I'm weak, not good enough, that people are out to get me, that my family will get ill if I eat today. So what do I do to cope? I sleep. It's not laziness it's escape from all the voices, from the demons, from people in general.
Having mental health is a full time job, it can stop you in your tracks, my OCD haunts me everyday and the struggle is real, a fake smile is all it takes to cover everything up.
It may be easy for someone to say "get out and do something instead of lying in bed" which is something that is repeated to me many times, so many times. And to be honest, I'm sick and tired of hearing it and trying to think of an answer I haven't given before.
Telling someone with mental health issues that their issues aren't real because they can't see it is like telling a cancer patient the same thing.
Someone with cancer visits hospital to get treatment every month, if a mental health patient went every month into a hospital, it's seen as attention-seeking yet they are treated so well even though Cancer is an invisible illness just like mental illness. They are treated differently. Cancer patients are waited on hand and foot when feeling weak but mental health patients are told to exercise, get some fresh air, meet people.
Mental health is a full-time job, it eats all your energy before you even get out of bed.
The stigma behind mental illness is double, triple, quadruple the size of the stigma behind cancer and it needs to be killed before another person is.
If you or someone you know is suffering from suicidal thoughts or you are worried that they might be planning something, seek help NOW!!
Miss Catherine x
Tuesday, 16 February 2016
Mental Heath Tag! #TagTuesday
On my main blog, I do a tag every Tuesday and I found this one so I thought I would post it on this blog instead as it ties in more with the posts here.
I haven't been blogging too much, I will be writing an update post after this one, so that should have already been put up for you, so have a look.
Follow me on Google+ to make sure you don't miss any future posts.
Anyway, enough rambling... let's get on with it.
I found these questions via a YouTube Channel belonging to Emma Wicks so check her out here.
1. What are the main things that help you when struggling with your mental illness?
When I'm anxious, I always run a bath (if I can), it's the most relaxing thing ever. Pop your laptop on a stool next to the bath and catch up on a TV programme of your choice. I also catch up on weekly vlogs, which are my fav YouTube videos to watch. (Keep an eye out on my main blog for my top 10 YouTubers post which will be up in the next week)
2. What makes you happy no matter what?
Definitely spending time with my family, they are a crazy bunch and I know I can tell them anything. They definitely keep my feet firmly on the ground, unless I'm on the floor laughing, which in most cases I am.
3. If you could tell your younger self 1 thing what would it be?
I would tell her to speak up about the struggles I faced and not to bottle everything up like I did for 9 years.
4. If there was one message you want to share with the world what would it be?
The words "it's okay not to be okay" really do make me feel better. Because there is no shame in showing emotion, there's not a single person in the world who doesn't cry because we all do and we know it.
5. Do you feel struggling with certain mental problems has made you stronger as a person?
Definitely. I mean, it's hard to do the smallest of tasks, but you get to learn about yourself a bit more. I definitely am stronger than what I was before suffering with mental illness. Some days are hard but once you get through them, you'll be on the road to recovery!
Miss Catherine x
I haven't been blogging too much, I will be writing an update post after this one, so that should have already been put up for you, so have a look.
Follow me on Google+ to make sure you don't miss any future posts.
Anyway, enough rambling... let's get on with it.
I found these questions via a YouTube Channel belonging to Emma Wicks so check her out here.
1. What are the main things that help you when struggling with your mental illness?
When I'm anxious, I always run a bath (if I can), it's the most relaxing thing ever. Pop your laptop on a stool next to the bath and catch up on a TV programme of your choice. I also catch up on weekly vlogs, which are my fav YouTube videos to watch. (Keep an eye out on my main blog for my top 10 YouTubers post which will be up in the next week)
2. What makes you happy no matter what?
Definitely spending time with my family, they are a crazy bunch and I know I can tell them anything. They definitely keep my feet firmly on the ground, unless I'm on the floor laughing, which in most cases I am.
3. If you could tell your younger self 1 thing what would it be?
I would tell her to speak up about the struggles I faced and not to bottle everything up like I did for 9 years.
4. If there was one message you want to share with the world what would it be?
The words "it's okay not to be okay" really do make me feel better. Because there is no shame in showing emotion, there's not a single person in the world who doesn't cry because we all do and we know it.
5. Do you feel struggling with certain mental problems has made you stronger as a person?
Definitely. I mean, it's hard to do the smallest of tasks, but you get to learn about yourself a bit more. I definitely am stronger than what I was before suffering with mental illness. Some days are hard but once you get through them, you'll be on the road to recovery!
Miss Catherine x
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