I'm just going to be bluntly honest on this as I always am..
I'm struggling.
I'm really struggling.
I just want to skip to November and work there again.
It was hard seeing the residents leave the shelter, most of them cried but we have done our very best for all of them. I feel empty, worthless and lost.
I'm so glad I've got this blog to just share my thoughts and feelings, I feel like i'm a burden to everyone and especially my boyfriend because he's got his own issues and I don't want to make it about me all the time.
It's been over 5 years since I spoke up and do I regret it?? Yes, I do. I'm on medication that works and makes me stable but it's caused weight gain, which I hate. I'm really struggling with my anorexia and bulimia at the moment, I'm torn between not wanting to eat and eating so much that I purge. My OCD is also on overdrive, it's been affecting me the most. My PTSD has left me alone for a while which I guess that's because of the medication.
I have a physical health appointment on 8th May and I'm shitting myself. My boyfriend hasn't allowed me to weigh myself in ages and I'm scared to know what my weight is, it's either going to make me or break me, most likely break me as I know i'm over 12 stone now.. which is double what I was and I hate myself for it. The letter for the physical health appointment said that it will help Dr H to find the right treatment for me. I just feel like telling them the truth about how I've REALLY been.
I'm struggling, that's what I've come on here and tell you, I'm really struggling.. I have been putting on this brave face, this game face for work, now that it's over, I'm lost.
I'm safe, before anyone starts worrying, this is just what I do on my blog, rant about things, tell the truth about how I've been doing, which, don't worry, I will be telling my psychiatrist and even my GP if I continue to deteriorate. Truth is, I haven't been taking my meds, I'm scared of them, the side effects I've gained from taking olanzapine have been severe, increased appetite, weight gain.
I've just checked my BMI (using the weight I was a few months ago) and I'm 4 stone overweight.. OMG!! I don't want to go to my appointment because I know what he's going to say.. he's either going to tell me to lose weight or I don't even know what's going to happen..
I know I've been telling people that I've been fine.. but the truth is, i'm not. I'm far from it.. I've had a blip tonight, my OCD episodes are creeping up on me and I'm trying my hardest to not let my OCD get the better of me. I wanted to run away earlier, I still do.. I'm just struggling with everything.
Anyway, that's enough ranting for tonight, I'm gonna try and not run away, try and chill and try and calm down.. doubt it's going to happen but oh well..
Miss Catherine x
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