I'm just going to be bluntly honest on this as I always am..
I'm struggling.
I'm really struggling.
I just want to skip to November and work there again.
It was hard seeing the residents leave the shelter, most of them cried but we have done our very best for all of them. I feel empty, worthless and lost.
I'm so glad I've got this blog to just share my thoughts and feelings, I feel like i'm a burden to everyone and especially my boyfriend because he's got his own issues and I don't want to make it about me all the time.
It's been over 5 years since I spoke up and do I regret it?? Yes, I do. I'm on medication that works and makes me stable but it's caused weight gain, which I hate. I'm really struggling with my anorexia and bulimia at the moment, I'm torn between not wanting to eat and eating so much that I purge. My OCD is also on overdrive, it's been affecting me the most. My PTSD has left me alone for a while which I guess that's because of the medication.
I have a physical health appointment on 8th May and I'm shitting myself. My boyfriend hasn't allowed me to weigh myself in ages and I'm scared to know what my weight is, it's either going to make me or break me, most likely break me as I know i'm over 12 stone now.. which is double what I was and I hate myself for it. The letter for the physical health appointment said that it will help Dr H to find the right treatment for me. I just feel like telling them the truth about how I've REALLY been.
I'm struggling, that's what I've come on here and tell you, I'm really struggling.. I have been putting on this brave face, this game face for work, now that it's over, I'm lost.
I'm safe, before anyone starts worrying, this is just what I do on my blog, rant about things, tell the truth about how I've been doing, which, don't worry, I will be telling my psychiatrist and even my GP if I continue to deteriorate. Truth is, I haven't been taking my meds, I'm scared of them, the side effects I've gained from taking olanzapine have been severe, increased appetite, weight gain.
I've just checked my BMI (using the weight I was a few months ago) and I'm 4 stone overweight.. OMG!! I don't want to go to my appointment because I know what he's going to say.. he's either going to tell me to lose weight or I don't even know what's going to happen..
I know I've been telling people that I've been fine.. but the truth is, i'm not. I'm far from it.. I've had a blip tonight, my OCD episodes are creeping up on me and I'm trying my hardest to not let my OCD get the better of me. I wanted to run away earlier, I still do.. I'm just struggling with everything.
Anyway, that's enough ranting for tonight, I'm gonna try and not run away, try and chill and try and calm down.. doubt it's going to happen but oh well..
Miss Catherine x
Thursday, 25 April 2019
Monday, 8 April 2019
Update April 2019
Hey, it's Catherine.
It's 5:03am and I've been awake since 2am.
I'm struggling badly, I've been drowning myself in shifts at work, I did 5 night shifts last week which is a lot, but I needed to just distract myself. I love my job, giving back to the community gives me such joy, I love it.
I haven't been taking my meds as I should as I'm working so much. I don't like the side effects I've experienced, I've put on 3 stone since starting them, my appetite is higher than normal and I hate the way I look. I've been self-harming again, picking at my lip and scabs, I'm nearly at breaking point.
I got back from work yesterday morning about 7am and just broke down in tears in front of my boyfriend telling him how the shelter is closing soon and just like last year, it's going to break me, I'm going to have to have the support of my doctor and psychiatrist, I'm meant to see my psychiatrist this month but I don't have an appointment yet, so I'm going to phone today and ask if there's been an appointment booked.
My boyfriend took me under his wing, got me to take my medication and took my phone away for a bit, we then went down to the shop and he got some fags and I got some food, then he told me to go to sleep and sleep it off, which really helped, until 2am this morning when I woke up in a panic attack. Although I'm not taking my medication as I should, I don't think they are helping me, I'm diagnosed with anorexia and it's really affecting Ana, she's been loud recently but I haven't told anyone and acted normal around family and my boyfriend, I just feel like a burden if I share what's really going on.
I've been asking for help for 6 years now and it's not got me anywhere, my psychologist decided to tell me I'm adopted by saying that he's confused about my DNA, which breaks my heart because it was before Christmas he told me that and on Christmas Day I ended up spending time in the bathroom a lot crying my eyes out thinking the family I was spending Christmas with wasn't my actual family, it tore me apart.
It's 5:03am and I've been awake since 2am.
I'm struggling badly, I've been drowning myself in shifts at work, I did 5 night shifts last week which is a lot, but I needed to just distract myself. I love my job, giving back to the community gives me such joy, I love it.
I haven't been taking my meds as I should as I'm working so much. I don't like the side effects I've experienced, I've put on 3 stone since starting them, my appetite is higher than normal and I hate the way I look. I've been self-harming again, picking at my lip and scabs, I'm nearly at breaking point.
I got back from work yesterday morning about 7am and just broke down in tears in front of my boyfriend telling him how the shelter is closing soon and just like last year, it's going to break me, I'm going to have to have the support of my doctor and psychiatrist, I'm meant to see my psychiatrist this month but I don't have an appointment yet, so I'm going to phone today and ask if there's been an appointment booked.
My boyfriend took me under his wing, got me to take my medication and took my phone away for a bit, we then went down to the shop and he got some fags and I got some food, then he told me to go to sleep and sleep it off, which really helped, until 2am this morning when I woke up in a panic attack. Although I'm not taking my medication as I should, I don't think they are helping me, I'm diagnosed with anorexia and it's really affecting Ana, she's been loud recently but I haven't told anyone and acted normal around family and my boyfriend, I just feel like a burden if I share what's really going on.
I've been asking for help for 6 years now and it's not got me anywhere, my psychologist decided to tell me I'm adopted by saying that he's confused about my DNA, which breaks my heart because it was before Christmas he told me that and on Christmas Day I ended up spending time in the bathroom a lot crying my eyes out thinking the family I was spending Christmas with wasn't my actual family, it tore me apart.
This was more of a rant than an update, but I'm really struggling at the moment, I've got a few days off work to get myself back to normal, I'm so grateful for my work colleagues as they support me through anything and they are just incredible.
Hopefully my next update will be me landing my dream job which I'm going to ask about today when I wake up as I haven't heard from them yet.
I also need to phone my old letting agency today and see if they have either one big couples room or two rooms in the same house as the letting agents that we viewed a room with wanted to go with a couple that are working. So I'm still stressed out about that. I will explain what's happened in another blog post when I'm in a better situation.
Hope you're all okay.
Miss Catherine x
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