I see my psychiatrist on the 12th September and I'm so nervous. The last time I saw him, I was about to tell him about a suicide plan that I had in place but he didn't have enough time and said that the next patient will be waiting (which they weren't). I don't know, I just feel I'm now beyond help.
My psychologist appointment didn't go to well. 11am Wednesday morning I had really upsetting news. You guys may not know I was admin for a mental health support group on Facebook called BPD Support Ark, the girl that created the group had taken an overdose the night before and passed away in her sleep.
I had been helping her so much, getting her help, into hospital and calling for welfare checks every so often, she kept being discharged from services, she had been asking for help for so long and unfortunately couldn't do it anymore which makes it harder for me. I've never known anyone that had committed suicide in the past and it really pulled on my heart strings. It was horrendous.
That day I had to attend my psychologist appointment with my Nan and I basically had a massive go at the psychologist for what he did as a job and told him why he should be looking out for people like Tori and I.
I literally had a breakdown in front of him and he proceeded to end the appointment so abruptly that I didn't even realise what time it was. I will be seeing him again in October which isn't too bad to be honest. I don't think I'll be asking my Nan to attend the therapy sessions because I just feel like there's no need for her to be there other than to have her points put across too which she did have the chance to in the assessment appointment. I will still let her attend my psychiatrist appointments with me and my doctors appointments too, but therapy to me is meant to be for 1:1 conversations. I haven't told her this yet, so I hope she understands.
I woke up at 5pm yesterday afternoon.. I'm currently on a double dose of medication and so it knocks me out clean until the following afternoon.
To end this here, I want to thank everyone for supporting and reading my posts. If you are reading this, please leave a comment and even share it. I hope to get to know my readers as much as possible. If I have helped you in any way, please let me know, I love to hear from you!!
Catherine x
Thursday, 31 August 2017
Tuesday, 15 August 2017
Health Update
I know I haven't been on this much. I apologise for that.
I dropped my laptop and it basically cracked the screen, I invested in a tablet - the Amazon Fire Tablet 16GB - and so far so good.
To be honest, I've not been great but because I've been hiding it more and better than ever, I don't think anyone will believe me.
I've got my psychologist assessment initial appointment type thing on 23rd August and I honestly can't wait to just let go of everything that I've been hiding.
My Nan thinks she's coming with me, I doubt it. She really supports me with physical health and cleanliness and things like that but when it comes to my mental health, she just doesn't understand. Her partner isnt any better, he has cancer and tells me that all the time and says that I shouldn't be stressed as he has it worse of. There's always gonna be someone worse of than the next person so I don't get why it gets mentioned to me all the time.
We've got a lot going on within the family so I don't want to add to it, I just deal with myself and crack a smile and a laugh when I need to.
I can't do it anymore though, it's really getting me down and although I can't discuss it with anyone outside the family, I'm gonna be discussing it with my psychologist because its the main reason I'm stressed at the moment. My paranoia is so strong right now. I've now got 10 dwalfs in my room looking and watching my every move. They report back to their leader about what I've done and I'm trying to spite them right now by writing about them because no one else knows their plan except me.
I'm still working on my business because it's the only thing keeping me alive at the moment and it gives me a distraction.
It's now 1:18pm in the morning here in the UK I've been awake for 12 hours now.
Voices in my head telling me what to do, what they think of me. I now have 20 different voices in my head and I just don't know what to do anymore.
When I was sent the form to fill out for my psychologist, it asked me what would help me, and I literally put down "I don't know anymore, I don't know who to turn to anymore" and its the truth.
You guys know that I was in hospital for 24 hours each time and discharged the next day.. I'm never going back into hospital, I'd have to put up a fight because I know they are just gonna do the same as last time as I'm too high functioning for their criteria.
When I was discharged from Berrywood in Northampton UK, they just sent me on a bus ride on my own and I was so suicidal then, I honestly don't know how I got home safe. Luckily my Nan was about, she let me stay over to keep me safe and to make sure I was okay which was really thoughtful and really helped me although I hate pushing all my problems onto her.
With what I said about her earlier, she's great with things like letting me come over and looking after me, but in appointments she's just gonna sit in the corner and tut at everything I say and it's not helpful at all.
The last appointment I had with my psychiatrist and she came with me, she was actually so open with talking about my voices which I was very surprised at tbh and when I talk about them with her, she tells me to not talk so much rubbish, so I don't know, but I'm the type to forgive so I guess I'm just gonna go round in a circle.
If I tell her not to come, she'll probably say well you said yes the other day and I'll just tell her that that's the BPD and that my mind can change at anytime. I even told her to stay outside of an appointment because I didn't want her in there 5 seconds before they called me in, that's just the way I am and I know she hates it but I am learning to control that.
I'm hoping they can help me tbh, I've never seen a psychologist before so i' m hoping its gonna help me. I spoke to my best friend from school about it and she sees the same person, and tells me such good things about it and that its intensive which sounds positive.
I really want to beat these terrible illnesses because it's taken so much away from me, my license, the opportunity to better myself and I just can't do it anymore. I have to beat this and I hope to before I'm 30 but doubt it.
The job centre has been on my back too, I'm getting letters and messages from them almost daily even when they were the ones that signed me off work as "unfit" and I was banned for 12 months and I was told that I was gonna be assessed after 12 months. I still havent been assessed.. And its been a month now..
When they signed me off, I obviously didn't have to attend anyt appointments or anything but they did take all my notes off so they continued to ask me to attend this and that and threaten to sanction me if I didn't and I just didn't understand how they couldnt look on the system and see that I was signed off
Oh and they mistakenly sent me on a employment course which stressed the hell out of me, being told I had to attend appointments in Kettering, I literally had multiple panic attacks. I got a phone call from my employment course advisor to tell me that I had been put in the wrong group and I was on the bus so I couldn't just break down in tears. I just took the call as professionally as I could and cried myself to sleep at night!
I know that might come across as ungrateful but if you were sent a letter saying you were banned from working as well as being told you're also banned from driving for another 3 months in the same month, planned out your suicide down to a T and had it all ready, sent on an employment course which you had to starve yourself to be able to attend because your stupid alter egos decide to use your card to go and have a shopping spree, to then find out that I was mistakenly put on the list for this stupid course which I had to agree to.
Anyway, rant over, I need to get some sleep and I'll update on Wednesday 23rd August about my appointment.
Hugs to all.
Catherine x
I dropped my laptop and it basically cracked the screen, I invested in a tablet - the Amazon Fire Tablet 16GB - and so far so good.
To be honest, I've not been great but because I've been hiding it more and better than ever, I don't think anyone will believe me.
I've got my psychologist assessment initial appointment type thing on 23rd August and I honestly can't wait to just let go of everything that I've been hiding.
My Nan thinks she's coming with me, I doubt it. She really supports me with physical health and cleanliness and things like that but when it comes to my mental health, she just doesn't understand. Her partner isnt any better, he has cancer and tells me that all the time and says that I shouldn't be stressed as he has it worse of. There's always gonna be someone worse of than the next person so I don't get why it gets mentioned to me all the time.
We've got a lot going on within the family so I don't want to add to it, I just deal with myself and crack a smile and a laugh when I need to.
I can't do it anymore though, it's really getting me down and although I can't discuss it with anyone outside the family, I'm gonna be discussing it with my psychologist because its the main reason I'm stressed at the moment. My paranoia is so strong right now. I've now got 10 dwalfs in my room looking and watching my every move. They report back to their leader about what I've done and I'm trying to spite them right now by writing about them because no one else knows their plan except me.
I'm still working on my business because it's the only thing keeping me alive at the moment and it gives me a distraction.
It's now 1:18pm in the morning here in the UK I've been awake for 12 hours now.
Voices in my head telling me what to do, what they think of me. I now have 20 different voices in my head and I just don't know what to do anymore.
When I was sent the form to fill out for my psychologist, it asked me what would help me, and I literally put down "I don't know anymore, I don't know who to turn to anymore" and its the truth.
You guys know that I was in hospital for 24 hours each time and discharged the next day.. I'm never going back into hospital, I'd have to put up a fight because I know they are just gonna do the same as last time as I'm too high functioning for their criteria.
When I was discharged from Berrywood in Northampton UK, they just sent me on a bus ride on my own and I was so suicidal then, I honestly don't know how I got home safe. Luckily my Nan was about, she let me stay over to keep me safe and to make sure I was okay which was really thoughtful and really helped me although I hate pushing all my problems onto her.
With what I said about her earlier, she's great with things like letting me come over and looking after me, but in appointments she's just gonna sit in the corner and tut at everything I say and it's not helpful at all.
The last appointment I had with my psychiatrist and she came with me, she was actually so open with talking about my voices which I was very surprised at tbh and when I talk about them with her, she tells me to not talk so much rubbish, so I don't know, but I'm the type to forgive so I guess I'm just gonna go round in a circle.
If I tell her not to come, she'll probably say well you said yes the other day and I'll just tell her that that's the BPD and that my mind can change at anytime. I even told her to stay outside of an appointment because I didn't want her in there 5 seconds before they called me in, that's just the way I am and I know she hates it but I am learning to control that.
I'm hoping they can help me tbh, I've never seen a psychologist before so i' m hoping its gonna help me. I spoke to my best friend from school about it and she sees the same person, and tells me such good things about it and that its intensive which sounds positive.
I really want to beat these terrible illnesses because it's taken so much away from me, my license, the opportunity to better myself and I just can't do it anymore. I have to beat this and I hope to before I'm 30 but doubt it.
The job centre has been on my back too, I'm getting letters and messages from them almost daily even when they were the ones that signed me off work as "unfit" and I was banned for 12 months and I was told that I was gonna be assessed after 12 months. I still havent been assessed.. And its been a month now..
When they signed me off, I obviously didn't have to attend anyt appointments or anything but they did take all my notes off so they continued to ask me to attend this and that and threaten to sanction me if I didn't and I just didn't understand how they couldnt look on the system and see that I was signed off
Oh and they mistakenly sent me on a employment course which stressed the hell out of me, being told I had to attend appointments in Kettering, I literally had multiple panic attacks. I got a phone call from my employment course advisor to tell me that I had been put in the wrong group and I was on the bus so I couldn't just break down in tears. I just took the call as professionally as I could and cried myself to sleep at night!
I know that might come across as ungrateful but if you were sent a letter saying you were banned from working as well as being told you're also banned from driving for another 3 months in the same month, planned out your suicide down to a T and had it all ready, sent on an employment course which you had to starve yourself to be able to attend because your stupid alter egos decide to use your card to go and have a shopping spree, to then find out that I was mistakenly put on the list for this stupid course which I had to agree to.
Anyway, rant over, I need to get some sleep and I'll update on Wednesday 23rd August about my appointment.
Hugs to all.
Catherine x
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