I didn't think it could get this bad, but it just did..

The past few weeks, I have had a lot of changes and by this I mean moving house.
I have a new letting agency, a new room on a new estate. Well I say new, I mean new to me.
I've only moved 4 times in my short life. 
I'm starting an online college course.
I need to invest in a new laptop/tablet so i'm going to get a Amazon Fire 7 With Alexa which will help me continue with my business and i'm able to start on my online course too.
I dropped my laptop last night and there's a massive crack on my screen.

With regards to my mental health, it's gotten a lot worse.
Paranoia, hallucinations, even more voices in my head controlling my every move.
I've fallen out with 2 people so far because of my BPD.

The job centre are on my back to apply for jobs even though i'm still on limited capability for work and work related activity. I've explained to them that last year, I was sent for an assessment to see if I can continue to look for work and a month later I was told I was banned from working. And as soon as I read the letter, I ripped it up not thinking I might need it to keep it incase they wiped my notes from their system, and unfortunately they did. I need to phone up and ask for the letter to be sent out again because they don't believe i'm not allowed to look for work and then have the cheek to send me another letter to send me for another assessment. I know what they are going to do, ban me from working again and I don't think I can go through that again. 

I have the doctors tomorrow afternoon, I normally go with my Nan but I had a massive go at her for not understanding my situation with regards to my voices and my alter-egos. I really want to give her a chance to understand because she's so supportive of me with anything else. I don't blame her, BPD is complicated enough for me to understand. I sent her the nastiest texts ever, which I didn't mean to, my BPD makes me react in unhealthy ways and I hope she understands that. 
I know i'm hard to love with my BPD, but i'm still me.
I sent her another text to say that i'm sorry and that I love her. Hope she can see past my BPD and still come with me tomorrow.

I'm gonna write up a few things and take it with me so it's not all mumbled up and that I don't forget anything.