Rejection

As a sufferer of Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder (also known as Borderline Personality Disorder), I feel weak 99% of the time. Crying over this and that. But as most people who suffer with BPD know, fear of being rejected is one of the hardest things to deal with. 
This happens to me all the time, the word "no" hurts me just like an insult would hurt someone else. It's not just emotional pain though, you can feel the pain all over your body. 

So how do we deal with rejection and people pushing us away?

We have trust issues, so it's not easy to trust that person or other people in general again. 
We push people away before they can do it to us which in one way is good because we don't get hurt, but in another way it's bad and unhealthy because that's our go-to approach to rejection and then we feel isolated and start shutting ourselves away. 

My family know that the word "no" hurts, so they try not to say it too many times to me, because then I really go down hill then they wonder why i'm pushing them away.
Someone told me this morning "I hope you don't change your mind tomorrow", I hope so too but if I don't feel well enough tomorrow then I will change my mind because if i'm not looking after myself, who is going to?

If someone you love is isolating themselves, the worst thing you can do is bombard them with messages and calls. They are isolating themselves for a reason, yes a text to say "you know what I'm here if you need someone to talk to" is fine, but not loads asking if they are okay all the time. Everyone is different but this is my approach.

After being rejected this morning, I'm back in bed in tears even though to many people who know of me, this is laziness but it really isn't. It's a safe zone for me. If I could wake up feeling good about myself, I make the most of it and go out and experience the world again. But if I wake up feeling like absolute crap, then I won't even get out of bed and that's not a bad thing because at that moment, you literally have no energy even though all you've done is wake up. 

Right now, I'm going to go back to sleep because I can't function properly today and it's only 9:30am. Hopefully i'll be able to eat something later although my appetite suffers because of rejection too. 



Miss Catherine x

#DAW2016

In celebration of Depression Awareness Week, I share my story. Enjoy. 

1 in 10 suffer from mental illness

Stigma is already taking away our voice.

IT'S TIME TO TALK

I know what it's like to feel alone even when you're in a room full of people.

I know what it's like to feel scared when you don't even know why. 

I know what it's like to feel like you have no voice. 

We were given the freedom of speech for a reason, to use our voice. 

SHOUT AND SHOUT LOUD!

We will beat the stigma and we will end discrimination for everyone who are going through the same struggles as we are. Together.

My story starts at the young age of just 9 years old.

I'd hear voices in my head telling me that I wasn't good enough or that I had to do a certain thing four times otherwise something bad would happen to my family.

I'd be scared and do what they said because I didn't want anything to happen to any of my family. 

At the time, I thought it was normal to hear voices in your head and to do compulsive things.  My weaknesses in all of this were touching lines on the road with my hand and spinning around on one foot. 

I nearly got ran-over because of this. 

Which leads me on to the physical fear of roads. I can't cross a road or go near a road without having a panic attack. 

It's got to the point where I have to hold someones hand to then calm down and cross safely, even at zebra crossings or traffic lights, I'd just get into a right state.

I have started driving lessons with my Step-Dad so I can overcome this fear of roads and that I have freedom too. 

The other fear I have is water. This fear occurred when I was water skiing in Lake Arrowhead, it was scary. I was left in the middle of it just floating on my backside with my feet above the water. Then 1 pull and my face went under the water and BAM! I had a panic attack. I was pulled back up into the boat and I was literally shivering with fear. 

This wasn't the first panic attack... oh no. This was in fact the second. 

My first panic attack happened when going through the London Underground barriers. I was visiting my Uncle and his partner, and I suddenly got the shivers, voices in my head, I felt dizzy and I cried after each one (there was basically 10 or more barriers to go through, one after the other) I was then told to 'stop crying over nothing' and with that I just thought oh it's just a fear. WRONG! It was a panic attack. 

After that I had panic attacks nearly everyday, most of them sprung on me when in the school toilets or in my bedroom. But then there were ones where I felt like I was going to go all beetroot in the cheeks and have to walk out.

I remember one panic attack like it was yesterday. I was in Art class and my Maths teacher walks in telling us he was the 'substitute teacher'. There was mutual feelings between every student in that class 'OH GOD HERE WE GO'. 

Think of a teacher you hated and times that by a trillion and keep doing that. That's how much we hated him.

Anyway, he started the lesson and as usual with substitute lessons, we didn't listen, we were throwing our worksheets out of the window folded into paper airplanes. 

He went to shout at us, but thought locking the door with us in the classroom would fix things and make us behave. WRONG.

First it didn't make the class stop at all and secondly, it set me off into a panic attack. I couldn't see properly, everyone was screaming, I'd look down at my hand and they were trembling with fear and I felt like I was dying. 

The thought of being locked in drowned me with fear and discomfort. 

I wanted to run into the next classroom (which was separated from ours by a store room) but I couldn't feel my legs. They'd gone completely numb. I screamed along with the rest of the class wanting to get out as soon as possible, until our Deputy Head came up and settled us down. I still don't even know whether or not the classmates told anyone about that, but it's now out in the open. I certainly haven't. Oh well. Sorry Sir. 

Six years later, I was diagnosed with Panic Disorder, Anxiety and OCD.

Because I was so secretive about it, I was sacked from my job because I cried during every shift. I couldn't tell them, but I did want to. 

Choosing to speak up or not is choosing life or death.

If it wasn't for me speaking up, I wouldn't be here.

But in the past year, I have overcome so many obstacles. 

I had been to so many counselling session which has helped me.

My journey to recovery doesn't end there, in fact this is just the beginning. 

You can start your recovery today by doing and saying so many things. Just answering 'no' to the question 'Are you okay' that's all it takes.

I wish I had spoken up sooner. 

You can today... SPEAK UP AND SPEAK LOUD.

The whole reason for this post is to show everyone that recovery is possible with the right resources and also to share a campaign I have been backing since it was launched.
Mind is a mental health charity who help those with mental illness find help in their area. They have also launched a campaign to help eliminate stigma and discrimination around mental health. 

Please please please back this campaign and help people who are struggling just like us. We're all in this together!

They have a great website, a great team behind the charity and a great campaign.

Check them out and make TIME TO TALK. 

You can do it.

MissCatherineWard<3!✌
Twitter; cjoanward_
Facebook; MissCatherineWard

GET UP AND DANCE!

When ever I am down or lack motivation to do anything, I blast some music and just have a dance around. I know most of the world's population does this too, so by dancing we are releasing our energy and expressing our emotions and feelings through dance. 

I attended Kingswood School in Corby (now named Kingswood Academy) when I was 11 until I graduated at age 16. 

Now the school (or academy) is trying to knock down the dance studio to make more room for a dining area. Yes, food is important but knocking down a dance studio is not and shouldn't be an option. 

The students of Kingswood School need more signatures on their petition to make sure nothing happens. 

The link is here:
https://www.change.org/p/save-our-dance-studio-kingswood-secondary-academy 

They need your support, so please sign and share with your friends and lets make sure this dance studio stays!! :) 



Thank You :) xx