Hello all,
I'm back on my blog. There's so much that has happened so I'm gonna do an update on what's been going on.
July 2019, I had just lost my dream job for the second time and I was so suicidal which I explained about in my last post so check it out here.
August was my birthday month. I turned 25, or quarter of a century lol.
September, things at home were getting very tense. I had a massive argument with my boyfriend's sister and her partner over the debt they had the previous year.
October - I was told that the house I was living in and paying rent for, I wasn't allowed to be living there as I wasn't allowed on the tenancy agreement because of the debt they had with the actual tenants.
November, things went downhill in my relationship with my boyfriend and..
December 5th 2019, he called the Police on me due to me apparently being suicidal as I had locked him out of the house. The Police came and persuaded me to go to hospital with them, I was taken there and just left. I knew that there wasn't going to be any support with me, so I ended up walking out after I had my obs done. I was wanting to run away until the security for the hospital found me outside near the road, it took them bout 10 minutes to persuade me to go back in and lied to me saying that the crisis team were there ready to assess me, so I went back in believing them, I was taken back to the side room I was in and the crisis team sent a student out to tell me that it was gonna be a 4 hour wait, so I ran out again and I was met by the security again. Again, went back in with them and I ended up waiting 4 hours, I was eventually seen by them and because I was also homeless too, I was asking for some help with that and they replied "we can't support you with that" so I walked out again, I was again met by the security guards who just let me go. I was picked up by my best friend and I stayed at her house for a night until the next night where I could move into another house share, which I'm still in.
Forward to now, I'm still suicidal but I doubt anything will be done about it especially at the moment so there's no point in asking for help at the moment because the mental health services is a load of shite.
So yeah, that's my update.
What have you been up to since I posted last.
Stay safe..
Catherine x
Tuesday, 30 June 2020
Thursday, 25 July 2019
05/07/2019: The day I wanted everything to end
I've been wanting to share what happened on 5th July, but everytime I just save it as a draft, but I feel it's important to those of you who follow me for these updates and help you know that I'm true to you all. I'm scared about the reaction, but here goes..
I wanted to end things on this date, I'd just lost my dream job for the second time. I was actively suicidal and I wanted to harm myself.
I attended my psychiatrist appointment but it was with one of his junior doctors, which I was sceptic about, but I was called in and the appointment began.
She was asking about medication, I told her that it wasn't working, she told me my new dose and I said I hadn't received it from the chemist (or the delivery service Pill Time I use) so I wasn't on that dose. She asked about the past few months, I began to cry, she asked me what happened and I told her everything, I told her that I couldn't keep myself safe and that I was actively suicidal. She finished the appointment and went to speak to my actual psychiatrist who was doing appointments too and she asked me to wait in reception, 10 minutes later she called me back through and said that she's going to call the local crisis team and get me assessed. Now my experience with the crisis team has been so negative, they've admitted me twice before but then I get discharged 24 hrs later, it's nonsense. I agreed but only if they helped me this time. I had a phone call from them hours later saying they wanted to see me, sent me in a taxi to St Mary's Hospital in Kettering and saw me for an hour. I was taken to a side room to discuss what has happened and how they can help. I didn't even get in the door when the lady in the corner J (one of the ones I hated) said "I remember you from 2016". I felt like the ground needed to swallow me up. Throughout the appointment, she was so patronising with her questions.
Anyway, we went through questions and I tried my best to answer them, they wrote my answers down and then I was told to wait in the waiting area. 20 minutes went by and they came out to speak to me, they said that they will refer me to the EUPD team which I have never heard about. They said that they will get a duty worker to see me in a few weeks, then sent me home in a taxi.
I saw the duty worker about a week later, it felt like forever. I didn't know what to expect from the appointment. Turns out it was a check in to make sure I wasn't suicidal still, which I was. I was given questions to answer about my BPD and I scored pretty high so hopefully the EUPD (BPD) team accept me.
Now I'm slipping back into my depression.. I don't want to end things although I do have suicidal thoughts at the moment, but no urge to act on them.
This was a long post, but I wanted to share what actually happened and I will of course update you all when I hopefully be accepted for EUPD treatment.
Catherine x
I wanted to end things on this date, I'd just lost my dream job for the second time. I was actively suicidal and I wanted to harm myself.
I attended my psychiatrist appointment but it was with one of his junior doctors, which I was sceptic about, but I was called in and the appointment began.
She was asking about medication, I told her that it wasn't working, she told me my new dose and I said I hadn't received it from the chemist (or the delivery service Pill Time I use) so I wasn't on that dose. She asked about the past few months, I began to cry, she asked me what happened and I told her everything, I told her that I couldn't keep myself safe and that I was actively suicidal. She finished the appointment and went to speak to my actual psychiatrist who was doing appointments too and she asked me to wait in reception, 10 minutes later she called me back through and said that she's going to call the local crisis team and get me assessed. Now my experience with the crisis team has been so negative, they've admitted me twice before but then I get discharged 24 hrs later, it's nonsense. I agreed but only if they helped me this time. I had a phone call from them hours later saying they wanted to see me, sent me in a taxi to St Mary's Hospital in Kettering and saw me for an hour. I was taken to a side room to discuss what has happened and how they can help. I didn't even get in the door when the lady in the corner J (one of the ones I hated) said "I remember you from 2016". I felt like the ground needed to swallow me up. Throughout the appointment, she was so patronising with her questions.
Anyway, we went through questions and I tried my best to answer them, they wrote my answers down and then I was told to wait in the waiting area. 20 minutes went by and they came out to speak to me, they said that they will refer me to the EUPD team which I have never heard about. They said that they will get a duty worker to see me in a few weeks, then sent me home in a taxi.
I saw the duty worker about a week later, it felt like forever. I didn't know what to expect from the appointment. Turns out it was a check in to make sure I wasn't suicidal still, which I was. I was given questions to answer about my BPD and I scored pretty high so hopefully the EUPD (BPD) team accept me.
Now I'm slipping back into my depression.. I don't want to end things although I do have suicidal thoughts at the moment, but no urge to act on them.
This was a long post, but I wanted to share what actually happened and I will of course update you all when I hopefully be accepted for EUPD treatment.
Catherine x
Sunday, 2 June 2019
OCD Episode
So, last night, I had a OCD episode. It lasted for 2 hours and I was completely lost in my own head. I didn't even know that it was my boyfriend next to me trying to help me, I thought it was one of my alters.. for some weird reason.
I was obsessing over numbers, thinking my family were getting kidnapped or hurt, it was tiring. I was thinking about the route the kidnappers were taking and for some reason, it was A43 (Corby, Kettering), A14 (Kettering), and then B57 which is in Australia and then B20 which I don't know about.
I haven't had a OCD attack that serious since March 2018, that one was the same kind of thing that happened last night, obsessing over numbers and roads again thinking my family were getting kidnapped.
I may have landed my dream job but that doesn't mean I'm cured now that I work, I wish it was an overnight thing but it's not and I have to live with it.
Just thought I'd record this as I love looking back and looking to see how far I've come.
Hope you're all okay.
Miss Catherine x
I was obsessing over numbers, thinking my family were getting kidnapped or hurt, it was tiring. I was thinking about the route the kidnappers were taking and for some reason, it was A43 (Corby, Kettering), A14 (Kettering), and then B57 which is in Australia and then B20 which I don't know about.
I haven't had a OCD attack that serious since March 2018, that one was the same kind of thing that happened last night, obsessing over numbers and roads again thinking my family were getting kidnapped.
I may have landed my dream job but that doesn't mean I'm cured now that I work, I wish it was an overnight thing but it's not and I have to live with it.
Just thought I'd record this as I love looking back and looking to see how far I've come.
Hope you're all okay.
Miss Catherine x
Tuesday, 28 May 2019
BIG NEWS!!!!
So where have I been hiding??
Well, to tell you the truth, I've been working.. let me explain this.
I attended 3 interviews for my dream job and one nursery got back to me and said that they want me as bank staff!! I've landed my dream job!! I'm loving every minute of it, it's the best job I have ever had.
It's in a local nursery, and for security reasons, that's all I am giving you.
I started last Monday and I love it!!
I went to the job centre on Monday 20th May and told them that I got my dream job working in a nursery and they were so happy for me.
Nearly 3 years ago, I was told by the job centre that I couldn't work because of my mental health being unstable. 3 years later, I've got my dream job, I have a wonderful man by my side every step of the way and life couldn't be better.
A new job, hopefully a new house coming up soon too, I'm just over the moon.
My mental health has been stable, yes I may have had a little cry last night but that's because I hadn't worked since Friday, I had a full week of work last week and I can honestly say, it's the best nursery I've worked for, they were so welcoming and lovely to me, I just love it.
So that's my update for you all.. just keeping you up to date in the world of Miss Catherine.
Hope you're all doing well.
Miss Catherine x
Wednesday, 1 May 2019
1st May 2019
Hey guys,
So I'm back for another blog post, just to update you guys on what's been happening in the world of Miss Catherine.
After the homeless shelter sadly closed for the spring/summer, I found myself drifting out of good and bad mental health so I needed something to keep me occupied, so I decided to go back and volunteer at my local Cancer Research UK store and I have been back for 1 day and I already feel better in myself, I've been taking my medication when I should which is a big step for me as I don't like the side effects I'm getting.
Here's a run down of what's happening this month..
I have 2 interviews coming up for my dream job, I honestly can't wait. One on Friday and one on Tuesday 7th, I'm so excited.
8th May, I've got my physical appointment which I'm dreading already, it's a blood test and also they will check my weight.. which I haven't been able to do for ages, I'm slightly worried about my weight, not going to lie, but I will try and be positive because my boyfriend doesn't care what weight I am and tells me i'm beautiful everyday.. although I don't believe him half the time, only when I have make up on and when I have a good body image day.
9th May is my Mumma Bear's birthday so I'll be busy on that day too.
11th May is my Mumma Bear's and Step-Dad's wedding anniversary and again, I'll be celebrating with them.
I'm away from the 15th to the 17th for my cousin's wedding which is going to be the most emotional day ever, I know my cousin is going to look incredible in her dress, and the venue looks amazing. I'll be doing a Instagram live whilst doing my makeup, so go on over to my page (@KERKBeauty), and give me a cheeky follow. I'll announce on there when i'm going live, I'm so excited!!
Then we have my niece's birthday.
Keep your fingers and toes crossed for my interviews.
Eeeeek, it's gonna be a long month, but i'm excited, did I say that already?! LOL!!
What's your plans for the next month??
Hope you're all okay, stay strong, it's a new month, so new goals, go out there and smash them!!!!
Miss Catherine x
Thursday, 25 April 2019
Day 2 since the homeless shelter closed
I'm just going to be bluntly honest on this as I always am..
I'm struggling.
I'm really struggling.
I just want to skip to November and work there again.
It was hard seeing the residents leave the shelter, most of them cried but we have done our very best for all of them. I feel empty, worthless and lost.
I'm so glad I've got this blog to just share my thoughts and feelings, I feel like i'm a burden to everyone and especially my boyfriend because he's got his own issues and I don't want to make it about me all the time.
It's been over 5 years since I spoke up and do I regret it?? Yes, I do. I'm on medication that works and makes me stable but it's caused weight gain, which I hate. I'm really struggling with my anorexia and bulimia at the moment, I'm torn between not wanting to eat and eating so much that I purge. My OCD is also on overdrive, it's been affecting me the most. My PTSD has left me alone for a while which I guess that's because of the medication.
I have a physical health appointment on 8th May and I'm shitting myself. My boyfriend hasn't allowed me to weigh myself in ages and I'm scared to know what my weight is, it's either going to make me or break me, most likely break me as I know i'm over 12 stone now.. which is double what I was and I hate myself for it. The letter for the physical health appointment said that it will help Dr H to find the right treatment for me. I just feel like telling them the truth about how I've REALLY been.
I'm struggling, that's what I've come on here and tell you, I'm really struggling.. I have been putting on this brave face, this game face for work, now that it's over, I'm lost.
I'm safe, before anyone starts worrying, this is just what I do on my blog, rant about things, tell the truth about how I've been doing, which, don't worry, I will be telling my psychiatrist and even my GP if I continue to deteriorate. Truth is, I haven't been taking my meds, I'm scared of them, the side effects I've gained from taking olanzapine have been severe, increased appetite, weight gain.
I've just checked my BMI (using the weight I was a few months ago) and I'm 4 stone overweight.. OMG!! I don't want to go to my appointment because I know what he's going to say.. he's either going to tell me to lose weight or I don't even know what's going to happen..
I know I've been telling people that I've been fine.. but the truth is, i'm not. I'm far from it.. I've had a blip tonight, my OCD episodes are creeping up on me and I'm trying my hardest to not let my OCD get the better of me. I wanted to run away earlier, I still do.. I'm just struggling with everything.
Anyway, that's enough ranting for tonight, I'm gonna try and not run away, try and chill and try and calm down.. doubt it's going to happen but oh well..
Miss Catherine x
I'm struggling.
I'm really struggling.
I just want to skip to November and work there again.
It was hard seeing the residents leave the shelter, most of them cried but we have done our very best for all of them. I feel empty, worthless and lost.
I'm so glad I've got this blog to just share my thoughts and feelings, I feel like i'm a burden to everyone and especially my boyfriend because he's got his own issues and I don't want to make it about me all the time.
It's been over 5 years since I spoke up and do I regret it?? Yes, I do. I'm on medication that works and makes me stable but it's caused weight gain, which I hate. I'm really struggling with my anorexia and bulimia at the moment, I'm torn between not wanting to eat and eating so much that I purge. My OCD is also on overdrive, it's been affecting me the most. My PTSD has left me alone for a while which I guess that's because of the medication.
I have a physical health appointment on 8th May and I'm shitting myself. My boyfriend hasn't allowed me to weigh myself in ages and I'm scared to know what my weight is, it's either going to make me or break me, most likely break me as I know i'm over 12 stone now.. which is double what I was and I hate myself for it. The letter for the physical health appointment said that it will help Dr H to find the right treatment for me. I just feel like telling them the truth about how I've REALLY been.
I'm struggling, that's what I've come on here and tell you, I'm really struggling.. I have been putting on this brave face, this game face for work, now that it's over, I'm lost.
I'm safe, before anyone starts worrying, this is just what I do on my blog, rant about things, tell the truth about how I've been doing, which, don't worry, I will be telling my psychiatrist and even my GP if I continue to deteriorate. Truth is, I haven't been taking my meds, I'm scared of them, the side effects I've gained from taking olanzapine have been severe, increased appetite, weight gain.
I've just checked my BMI (using the weight I was a few months ago) and I'm 4 stone overweight.. OMG!! I don't want to go to my appointment because I know what he's going to say.. he's either going to tell me to lose weight or I don't even know what's going to happen..
I know I've been telling people that I've been fine.. but the truth is, i'm not. I'm far from it.. I've had a blip tonight, my OCD episodes are creeping up on me and I'm trying my hardest to not let my OCD get the better of me. I wanted to run away earlier, I still do.. I'm just struggling with everything.
Anyway, that's enough ranting for tonight, I'm gonna try and not run away, try and chill and try and calm down.. doubt it's going to happen but oh well..
Miss Catherine x
Monday, 8 April 2019
Update April 2019
Hey, it's Catherine.
It's 5:03am and I've been awake since 2am.
I'm struggling badly, I've been drowning myself in shifts at work, I did 5 night shifts last week which is a lot, but I needed to just distract myself. I love my job, giving back to the community gives me such joy, I love it.
I haven't been taking my meds as I should as I'm working so much. I don't like the side effects I've experienced, I've put on 3 stone since starting them, my appetite is higher than normal and I hate the way I look. I've been self-harming again, picking at my lip and scabs, I'm nearly at breaking point.
I got back from work yesterday morning about 7am and just broke down in tears in front of my boyfriend telling him how the shelter is closing soon and just like last year, it's going to break me, I'm going to have to have the support of my doctor and psychiatrist, I'm meant to see my psychiatrist this month but I don't have an appointment yet, so I'm going to phone today and ask if there's been an appointment booked.
My boyfriend took me under his wing, got me to take my medication and took my phone away for a bit, we then went down to the shop and he got some fags and I got some food, then he told me to go to sleep and sleep it off, which really helped, until 2am this morning when I woke up in a panic attack. Although I'm not taking my medication as I should, I don't think they are helping me, I'm diagnosed with anorexia and it's really affecting Ana, she's been loud recently but I haven't told anyone and acted normal around family and my boyfriend, I just feel like a burden if I share what's really going on.
I've been asking for help for 6 years now and it's not got me anywhere, my psychologist decided to tell me I'm adopted by saying that he's confused about my DNA, which breaks my heart because it was before Christmas he told me that and on Christmas Day I ended up spending time in the bathroom a lot crying my eyes out thinking the family I was spending Christmas with wasn't my actual family, it tore me apart.
It's 5:03am and I've been awake since 2am.
I'm struggling badly, I've been drowning myself in shifts at work, I did 5 night shifts last week which is a lot, but I needed to just distract myself. I love my job, giving back to the community gives me such joy, I love it.
I haven't been taking my meds as I should as I'm working so much. I don't like the side effects I've experienced, I've put on 3 stone since starting them, my appetite is higher than normal and I hate the way I look. I've been self-harming again, picking at my lip and scabs, I'm nearly at breaking point.
I got back from work yesterday morning about 7am and just broke down in tears in front of my boyfriend telling him how the shelter is closing soon and just like last year, it's going to break me, I'm going to have to have the support of my doctor and psychiatrist, I'm meant to see my psychiatrist this month but I don't have an appointment yet, so I'm going to phone today and ask if there's been an appointment booked.
My boyfriend took me under his wing, got me to take my medication and took my phone away for a bit, we then went down to the shop and he got some fags and I got some food, then he told me to go to sleep and sleep it off, which really helped, until 2am this morning when I woke up in a panic attack. Although I'm not taking my medication as I should, I don't think they are helping me, I'm diagnosed with anorexia and it's really affecting Ana, she's been loud recently but I haven't told anyone and acted normal around family and my boyfriend, I just feel like a burden if I share what's really going on.
I've been asking for help for 6 years now and it's not got me anywhere, my psychologist decided to tell me I'm adopted by saying that he's confused about my DNA, which breaks my heart because it was before Christmas he told me that and on Christmas Day I ended up spending time in the bathroom a lot crying my eyes out thinking the family I was spending Christmas with wasn't my actual family, it tore me apart.
This was more of a rant than an update, but I'm really struggling at the moment, I've got a few days off work to get myself back to normal, I'm so grateful for my work colleagues as they support me through anything and they are just incredible.
Hopefully my next update will be me landing my dream job which I'm going to ask about today when I wake up as I haven't heard from them yet.
I also need to phone my old letting agency today and see if they have either one big couples room or two rooms in the same house as the letting agents that we viewed a room with wanted to go with a couple that are working. So I'm still stressed out about that. I will explain what's happened in another blog post when I'm in a better situation.
Hope you're all okay.
Miss Catherine x
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