I've been wanting to share what happened on 5th July, but everytime I just save it as a draft, but I feel it's important to those of you who follow me for these updates and help you know that I'm true to you all. I'm scared about the reaction, but here goes..
I wanted to end things on this date, I'd just lost my dream job for the second time. I was actively suicidal and I wanted to harm myself.
I attended my psychiatrist appointment but it was with one of his junior doctors, which I was sceptic about, but I was called in and the appointment began.
She was asking about medication, I told her that it wasn't working, she told me my new dose and I said I hadn't received it from the chemist (or the delivery service Pill Time I use) so I wasn't on that dose. She asked about the past few months, I began to cry, she asked me what happened and I told her everything, I told her that I couldn't keep myself safe and that I was actively suicidal. She finished the appointment and went to speak to my actual psychiatrist who was doing appointments too and she asked me to wait in reception, 10 minutes later she called me back through and said that she's going to call the local crisis team and get me assessed. Now my experience with the crisis team has been so negative, they've admitted me twice before but then I get discharged 24 hrs later, it's nonsense. I agreed but only if they helped me this time. I had a phone call from them hours later saying they wanted to see me, sent me in a taxi to St Mary's Hospital in Kettering and saw me for an hour. I was taken to a side room to discuss what has happened and how they can help. I didn't even get in the door when the lady in the corner J (one of the ones I hated) said "I remember you from 2016". I felt like the ground needed to swallow me up. Throughout the appointment, she was so patronising with her questions.
Anyway, we went through questions and I tried my best to answer them, they wrote my answers down and then I was told to wait in the waiting area. 20 minutes went by and they came out to speak to me, they said that they will refer me to the EUPD team which I have never heard about. They said that they will get a duty worker to see me in a few weeks, then sent me home in a taxi.
I saw the duty worker about a week later, it felt like forever. I didn't know what to expect from the appointment. Turns out it was a check in to make sure I wasn't suicidal still, which I was. I was given questions to answer about my BPD and I scored pretty high so hopefully the EUPD (BPD) team accept me.
Now I'm slipping back into my depression.. I don't want to end things although I do have suicidal thoughts at the moment, but no urge to act on them.
This was a long post, but I wanted to share what actually happened and I will of course update you all when I hopefully be accepted for EUPD treatment.
Catherine x
